SD
Every day is a fight

Jun
29

Been a while since the last update. It feels like an eternity. I usually get on a better mood when I write about what’s wrong. I’d really love to talk to someone about this but I can’t. Already put as much as I could into my other blogs but really, who has ever encountered a person in Tumblr who cared? Ha. Ha.

This is my dead end.

My sister was here last Saturday chatting about her fucking problems and now they are my problems too. Well, my stupidity to agree to talk about it. I have been battling serious anxiety – like ALL THE TIME – for weeks. Ever since the happiness of getting rid of Ketipinor faded. I will most likely have to start it again. I don’t want to but I hate to feel like this all the time. Nothing helps. Anyway. My sis told she has this kind of black hole inside of her too. She has encountered it after running away from it for years and years. She still tries to run and avoid facing the darkness and the emptiness. She is now going throw the phase I had years ago: understanding why our memories are faulty and why there seems to be so much darkness in the past and why in our memories are no colors, only grey and dark. She still denies the facts and thinks our parents have changed. I don’t know how to explain to her how they still treat me every time I have to see them. I myself try to dodge the shitstorms. Because I know that if I’m forced to face them and stand up for myself it will not end well. Every time I have to spend time around my parents I carry a knife. Usually just the Recon Micro, if I visit them, but I had the Walther Pro in my pocket all the time when my dad came over a few weeks back to help me hang blinds and take apart a sidetable. I sleep with it in my hand. Every night. Just in case I’m attacked again.

Everything A said last weekend brought this flood of shit over me the next few days and now I feel 100 times worse. I’m fighting panic attack 24/7. None of the pills I have actually help. I’m seriously considering of going out and trying to find illegal drugs. Just to get a little relief somehow. I literally can’t think about anything else right now. Every night the same. I try to fight and bear the anxiety and get by without the pills because I hate to be sleepy all the time. Picked up some energy drinks again but can’t seem to drink many at once. My body goes apeshit. Heats up like crazy and then come the shakes and all the other bullshit. A told me she has the same kind of feels, except she only drinks tea… But neither of us can stay still when we’re awake. I’m always moving my hands or feet or fingers, whatever I do, and she said it’s the same with her. She also seems a little OCD. Checking stuff, filling all her time with activity (whereas I can sit around doing nothing for hours, basically just imagining stuff) until she burns out. She’s always out with friends. I live in an imaginary world. Or many of those.

I cut off all my hair two days ago. Down to 1,8mm. Kinda accidentally…. While I was cutting it turned out that my hair was too long to properly cut it down to 30 mm like I wanted to, so I decided to just cut it off – all of it! With the lowest setting. Feels a bit outlandish and takes some time to get used to this kind of look but since I did it I feel a little less disgusted by my body. Already getting used to touching the stubble too. Now my head freezes and I have to wear a scarf (and to protect from sun and I wear a hoodie anyway no matter how hot it gets outside, and/or avoid going out in the first place) and my face looks weird and puffy, but oh this nice airy feeling and no more shedding! That was the one scoop of light. And energy drink. It makes me feel good.

And yeah, writing about this is actually making me feel a little better just now. Maru has kept me awake a lot. He’s bored. And he wants to sleep in my bed. On some nights/days we sleep together. One night he even came under the blanket and cuddled against my belly a bit. :3

*Sigh* I feel more awake now again. I can focus. It ‘almost’ feels as if the sleeping pill I ate 4,5 hours ago would kick in. The good rush of 7,5 mg is almost gone. It does help to the withdrawal but doesn’t really give a rush anymore. I’ve upped it to 15 mg a couple of times but I just got real sleepy and slept for almost 18 hours. That sucks. It used to make me feel awake and focused and light and happy for a few hours. Well. The fun is over I guess. I’ve been using that stuff for about 4 years straight. The same dose every night. Not sure anymore how long. I keep forgetting stuff. That stuff makes me forget. I’ve used zopiclone with oxazepam for a longer term as a double sleeping pill. This year the small dose of ketipinor was added to the mix. But this clearly isn’t working. On most days, for a longer period of time already, I just wait for the evening and the few hours of happiness. Since I’m not getting the effect anymore I feel cheated, anxious and addicted. I still have to eat it every night to avoid withdrawal and things just don’t look good in general.

The other big issue is food. The lack of, and too much of it. See, I also get withdrawal effects from ice cream. It might sound crazy but I’ve been hooked to that shit for 5 years and on some days I eat nothing but ice cream. I’m not really into other sweets. There’s something in the ice cream that makes it keep it’s form and the cheap variants are loaded with weird chems. In Germany I often ate italian ice cream from local cafes that was self made and it never caused shit like this. Right now I can go close to 48 hours after eating some, before the withdrawal kicks in. And THAT sucks. I thought I could never drop caffeine, but when I HAD TO, it was easy. It was nothing compared to this crap I have to go through every day. I’ve had a horrible itch for weeks now. Caused by the chemistry in food and most of that comes from the ice cream. Like, 95%. I’ve scratched myself bloody, including my face and scalp, and I feel the itch every second. Maru has kneaded my throat which looks kinda shitty, admitted. When I go out it’s usually before I have had a bite to eat, I’m pale, can barely walk, I’m shaking and have a horrible itch. I fit perfectly into the flock of local drunks and junkies. People treat me like I’m one of them. In a way I accept it as my fate, one part of me wants to stab them for staring and one part just wants to give the fuck up. Why the hell am I still fighting?

I’d like to go and find a steel brush, a big one, attach it to a tree and scratch the first 5 layers of my skin off to get rid of this itch. Yeah, it’s that bad.

Let’s talk about something less depressing. Or more. I leave it for you to decide. I recently quit my therapy officially and am being transferred to a follow up group in September. In the meeting I barely listened to the new nurse I’ll be seeing. God, my therapist made me talk about 2011 and “the time when I tried to act so dark and dangerous”. Including being interrogated. You know, that’s not the best thing to talk about in the first meeting with a person I’ve never seen before, I don’t know, I don’t trust, and it made me think about the new group as a real bad idea. Since a couple years now I’ve been going more and more into a defensive mode with the health care system. I wanted to quit the therapy for reasons (good reasons), I have gradually lost trust in my previous therapist and tried to get along on my own. Right now I only trust myself and the knife by my side. I don’t want to talk to that stupid nurse. I get angry a lot and I have it increasingly hard to control my temper and those people are one reason for this. Every time I go out I’m pretty much paranoid and the flight or fight -reflex kicks in very easily. And it’s not flight for me. It’s always fight. In winter when it was dark I sometimes walked home from the corner shop (both of those 2 minutes it takes to get back to my door) with the Recon Micro in my hand, inside my sleeve. Ready to attack. I didn’t think anything. I was just ready to attack.

So, like, I will propably have to start taking ketipinor again which sucks. I’m way too paranoid, angry and perceptive. I don’t use energy to anything. Just sit at home in front of tv or at computer. Haven’t played in a while. But I cleaned up at home and have maintained a certain level of cleanliness. It’s far from hygienic and you better just keep your shoes on and not use the microwave. ;D

Well there was actually kinda good news too… My interest in porn has sparked again and I’m going through many many pics every day. I don’t find much to save but occasionally I do. There has been a clear change in my way of seeing some things. Before I tried to hold me back more. All my life I have thought I can’t do this or that or be attracted to this or that – for some petty reason. Those early learned restrictions still affect me but whenever I notice them I just tell myself to let go of them. Like, sometime last year I learned to accept that I’m attracted to women too – to some extent. That must’ve been one of the hardest issues. I told not a single soul about my feeling of being in the wrong body until I was 18. Of course, as a “girl” I could not be attracted to women. Hell, I grew up in a small town where everyone knew each other. I was already targeted because of my parents. Even since I knew that I was a man inside – and a gay man to that – I tried to silence the little voice telling me women are okay too. Like, if I was gay, of course I could not like women. Argh.

On my free time – the time when I was alone and nobody could see me – ever since I was 13 I have acted as male. And because of my situation and the fact that I had no friends and only mingled with adults, I completely skipped the boy-part and went straight up to a grown up male. In interests and behaviour. Way of thinking. I was never allowed to be a normal teenage girl either and I’ve never been able to regain the lost period of actually growing up naturally. In one story I could kind of live the life as a teenage boy but that was just a story and I kept pushing my “childish” parts away. I found liking in violence early. It just felt good.

Now I feel that I’ve become more whole. Life’s always throwing giant boulders on my path but I’ve grown to accept myself. And I’ve accepted the dark part inside. It’s been there so long. I don’t know who I’d be without it. I think that’s something my sister with battle for a long time to come. She will have a real problem accepting the darkness. It was planted into our minds through the actions of adults playing God, it can’t be removed, and running away doesn’t do shit. I’m still me with the darkness. I’m still me even if I sometimes look at boobs. I’d even date a woman. Hell, that took some guts to admit. My preference is still a man. And I’m still a man despite liking art, fashion, cooking and cute girly stuff. I don’t need to prove anything to myself. And I don’t need to attend pride events to prove anything to anyone else. Those are not my beef. I find them kinda stupid to be honest. People are free to celebrate and show off, just leave it outside when you enter my cavern.

I’ve liked a lot interacting with men on Tumblr. Despite not giving away anything personal, my birth gender or stuff, the followers of my blog automatically assume I’m a man by my style of posting and the type of porn I like. That’s the best thing. Also makes me scared because some of them would like to get acquainted or chat in grindr or elsewhere and I can’t show my face without a mask. And it makes me real sad too. My problem here is very simple. It’s this thricedamned, shitty body I was born into.

Like, when some ask about my gender and if I’m trans, I’m baffled. What is that transgender identity they keep talking about? It’s not a man. It’s not a woman. It’s something in between or what? Hell, I’m not in between. I’m just in the fucking wrong body! I have a clear identity and that is male. There’s no in-between. I might be able to call myself a trans person AFTER I get the clear to start transition, but until then I’m just miserable, not moving forward. This pretty much makes it clear where my core problem lies… Hmm, writing it all up somehow again cleared things. Yay. So, I should propably go to some group therapy because my support network consists of just my 4-legged infant son. My sister has been nice but I don’t think she has the strength to support me in this. She doesn’t understand. I will never get forward alone. And unless I move forward and receive some kind of help and eventually move into transition my life’s over. I can’t stand this shit another year. My school is nice and I have no worries about not being able to do this while studying and I don’t know why I stopped moving forward in the first place? I just gave up to the depression and ice cream. x__x

Well, looks like I know what I should do next. Just don’t forget it again dumbass!

I don’t wanna die. I want my dreams to come true. At least this one and the one to own a Sig Sauer P320. :3 I don’t set my goals high anymore. It’s morning now, 4am. I’ve calmed down and the allergy pill helped a little. Only a few places itch and that’s propably cat hair. Now, let’s have a few pics to cheer up. :3

 

Apr
05

It’s over. The nightmare. The depression. All gone. I feel so good.

3 days after starting the asthma medication ALL symptoms were gone and I can breathe. I can’t remember the last time I felt this good. I sleep 1000x better than before, I don’t feel like drowning at night anymore, no more coughing, no more troubles getting air. Also, I got rid of the big dose of Ketipinor and only have 100mg for sleeping. No more being paralyzed! Getting off caffeine reduced the arrhythmia to 0. Excessive resting healed some of the injury in my foot and I can actually walk without constant pain. I’ve been a week without the sleeping pill since I had no money to buy it and I can live without it. Really. I never thought I’d actually feel this way but I don’t actually need chems to sleep. Of course I will take advantage of having the prescription for as long as possible… But if I’m ever encountered by a situation where I just need to get along without my little helpers I’m sure I’ll get along. LOL

Also I got my new clothes and having new, big enough and not broken clothes has done wonders to my self confidence. I even went for a walk the other day! Should go to blood tests this week. Should’ve gone last week but I kept pushing it ahead.

Since all this I have more energy and motivation and am more creative again. I’ve started to clean up the house again. This was an impossible dump and all dishes were dirty. x__x It’s still baby steps but a lot better than two weeks ago. Brought out the trash, washed some dishes and bed sheets. It’s a long road to the point where I can let other people in here but at least I never had a bug problem. Need to vacuum very soon. There’s a massive carpet of cat hair everywhere.

We’ve had a bad dust problem. It was a mild winter but the amount of (useless) sand that was used on the streets has now created massive dust clouds when it’s windy. The day I went to pick up my new clothes there was an apocalyptic glow when setting sun hit the enormous dust cloud hanging between the houses. It was very windy and the dust was blown into my eyes and I breathed it in. Should start to carry one of my dust masks around with me. I made them out of old pants a long time ago. XD I’ve never seen this bad dust problem in the spring.

Yesterday I had luck when I saw that the rent support had been paid already when I was about to go redeem bottles. Got a good amount of stuff to eat, like bread, margarine, cheese, soy yoghurt, 3 liters of Coke, bananas and ice cream. Also stuff to cook a meal from. Going to make a bolognese today. My sleeping routine is still backwards. Yesterday I slept til 5.30pm so I’m not getting tired until around 10am today (it’s 3.45am now) and I will have to push myself not to go to sleep during day. I need a celery for the bolognese so might go buy that and energy drink sometime in the morning to stay awake. The money won’t last forever though and I still gotta pay rent, but I’m happy to announce that I only have 2 rates left from couch and Samsung tablet and beginning June will have 70 euro more left every month. Yayyy!! I’ve been waiting a long time for this. I was originally going to update my pc after those rates are paid but I need to wait a little longer. After all I can run Fallout 4 with several mods and Maru loves to warm his belly on the super heated machine. It has started to make a weird noise lately and today I got the shock of my life when after start I was greeted with a blank desktop void of all personal files. All pics, music, other data and GAME SAVES gone. Something died in me, but after panicking a while I did a restart and it all came back. Jeez. Currently waiting for the backup to finish. Been waiting for the past 4 hours and it’s done in maybe another 45 or 50 minutes.

The past few days I’ve been extra active in Facebook in a new group. Fun and welcoming. But I have generally had real bad experiences with Facebook groups so I’m not getting my hopes up for this to last. Oh, the backup finished and Maru already managed to drool on Rindou, my backup drive. XD For some reason I’m not able to make a full backup with all the libraries included but at least a system backup works and I regularly move the private stuff to one of the storage drives. Yeah, should really see if some company can either fix my big drive or pull the data from there. I had a lot of important stuff there.

Some time ago I went to look for something in my dvd shelf and discovered that I own Mass Effect 2 and 3. Never played, never even installed. Should try them sometime. I propably got one of them as a present but not sure. I can’t remember when I bought most of my games. LOL Need some grub now. Starting to feel dizzy. After that getting Maru’s belly warmed up and trying to find that one damn gun in Fallout 4…

Mar
13

Awake with the painful memories or trapped into endless nightmares. I can’t fall asleep cause all I can think of is her, lying in the hospital bed, dying. At some point I fall into a chem induced sleep that is no sleep, it’s walking from one terrible scene to another, not finding a way out until Maru wakes me up 2pm. In a couple of weeks I’m seeing my doctor and trying to get rid of Ketipinor. I hate it so much. It makes me sick.

The spring is here. Even sunshine during the day. Then, everything is fine and I can do things. Today I opened the BBQ season and cooked the steak that was at sale yesterday. It was worth every 7 euros. Cooked 2-3 minutes each side, then let rest for a good 30 mins. The one I ateonfor dinner was great, pink inside and soooo tender. The one I ate later with baked broccoli was not so good. Warmed it in the microwave and it made me feel slightly sick to the stomach. Still, it’s the first time I have eaten whole beef since last Midsummer and it was good and I just need to learn to not cook beef til it’s dry out of fear of raw meat.

Then the evening attacked us and everything changed. x___x

Now, waiting for the chem rush. I no longer use this one for it’s original purpose. This damn depression has turned everything upside down and brought out my worst sides. My head is full of thoughts that were dead and gone for years. I crave for milk, sugar and drugs. Every minute awake I contemplate on how to cheat my budget and whether or not to go out to places where I could buy drugs. There’s no control left. There’s no will to live. I can lie as long as I hide, but as soon as people see me they find out. This deep desperate feeling wears me out. I’m trapped and there’s no way out and no-one I can turn to. Today I kinda reached something by thinking that I need to stop, turn around and start froim 0, but then I got stuck wondering what is there at the beginning, other than fear, emptiness and anger. I’d like to cry – for what actually? – but nothing comes out.

I pulled some old poems out of my old tablet. Here, have some.

You bend the elements and they become yours.
But you cannot bend cloud grey.
Years pass under the same sky and you become hers.
Cloud grey in your hair. Cloud grey in your soul.
Your whole being manifesting her shining silver,
Until you sleep without waking,
Turning ash,
Your cloud grey becoming one with the elements.
a230614

(This was kind of inspired by my asshole mum and the creepy poem the player in Fallout 3 gets for his/her 10th birthday.)

Willow people.
Bending in the wind.
Bending under human touch.
You can make them yours.
They’ll fit every mold.
Never do they break.
But bent harsh enough, long enough, they become stooping.
Become twisted. Become dwarfed.
Forget the touch of the wind.
b300514

Nothing but wheat and corn.
Endless, ripe, in excess.
Cities like honeycombs
Buzzing busy
Weeping sweet tears in the hot nights.
a090714

Crying silver willow,
Mourning,
The sound carried by the wind
Made my wind chime sad too.
a090714

Filling my head with music. Not need to think for a while.

Goooood. I found this one in SoundCloud and it took like 3 months to find it in Youtube. Finally! The titel is still weird as fuck.

And the last one. Need to eat something (got nothing but dry bread). Soon is morning. 4am now. Google translate russian alphabet saved a lot of trouble tonight. Music kept me busy. No need to think for a little while. Maybe I just go on playing now. Ate all the meds I need to eat – except for ketipinor. Let’s see if I can go on without it a few days. If the schizoaffective symptoms get worse I will have to eat it. Those aren’t my biggest issue, it’s the depression. In 2 hours the closest shop opens and I’ll go get more milk products and chocolate and I will make some pineapple sour cream dessert. MAybe finally cook that pasta sauce. All depends of my budget – hell, it’s already ruined.

I posted an ad on a buy and sell website, try to get rid of the high class washing machine that I can’t take cause it won’t fit into my bathroom.

I also ordered the Overwatch Tracer Nendoroid that is published in August. So, I won’t kill myself before then, right? Nah I don’t think about suicide so much. Too depressed for even that. I function on the basis of filling my cravings and taking care of Maru, and live for those couple of hours feel good after the GOOD evening pills. Maybe I take a nap sometime today cause I am tired. It’s just… I’m frightened of the nightmares. Like putting my life on line every time I fall asleep. Lately I often die in my sleep. I wake up pulling air into my lungs so fast it hurts, the shock of the dream kicking me out of the bed within seconds. Those days are bad. I see the shock written on my face all day long, I get jumpy and paranoid. In those dreams I’m trapped into my childhood and relive the worst times of my life again and again, spiced up with the scares of the modern world.

Now I go. Eat. Gather rubbish. It has piled up again. Typical sign of depression. I live in a dump. Just small steps getting it clean. Yesterday’s meal was the first proper meal in what feels like an eternity.

I should be supportive to a friend. He needs it. I should be happy and content about my life. I should be excited about changes and the spring and being in good terms with my sis. But I isolate myself cause the knife marks on my arms heal so slowly. I don’t know what words could cheer up someone who feels as bad as I do. I can’t pretend to be happy anymore. I just want a break of all this. Like, be dead for a while. No life. Life is torture. A little break. Just for a while.

Feb
05

Just never surrender, that’s it.

In November, my closest friend was diagnosed with final stage cancer and she passed away at Christmas Night. Life hasn’t been very lively after that. I’m plagued by serious depression and the suicidal thoughts have returned. I dream about her last days a lot. So it has come to a stillstand with progress in school and I have to temporarily quit again. I’m trying to get a year off this time. Too much stress. I was doing fine and was able to push the bad feelings away until two weeks ago. After that, I broke. It’s a bad situation because I have very tense relationship to my family right now, I can’t trust or rely on them. I have been physically and emotionally attacked by them in the past 3 months and feel that my life is under constant threat whenever I have to deal with either of my parents. I’ve tried to stay civilized but it’ll have to end. They are killing me, quite literally.

Right now I’m sitting here with my new shark friend, attempting to flush down my evening pills and keep myself distracted. Tomorrow I’m going to try again the test I could not attempt last Thursday and talk to a c0uple of people about quitting for this year. I need to get my injured foot checked too. It’s gotten quite black and hurts now basically all the time. Might be too late to save it.

Yesterday I started to write again something very old that has been frozen for about 10 years. I need to write again. Stress had made it impossible for years and just getting out half a page was a good feeling. I’m turning it all upside down and I’m going to heal while doing so. It was the most painful story I ever wrote but I think I need to re-write it and go through this pain again to be able to make any progress on my own health.

In the beginning of January I was a week in Germany. Three good days altogether. I was feeling very bad and injured the foot even worse, couldn’t sleep, was awake every single night until 5am, couldn’t eat, cried, had nightmares and spent most of my time in the hotel room. Went in jumpy and anxious, got out feeling slightly better and more social. Got many good photos but have not edited them at all yet. One day I looked for gun shops online and found an army shop 200m from my hotel. Went there and spontaneously bought a new little shark friend and new scarf cause I couldn’t wash my old one in hotel. On my last day I was in the Pinakotek der Moderne and took pics and bought a 3D-printed vase. I put here a few pics. I learned to open and close the knife with one hand within a few hours and I love the sound it makes when opened. ^.^

20170105_171219

It also has a glass breaker in butt, which was one requirement along with a tanto blade. I love that blade. The shape, the angles, the material – it’s perfect. And it looks like a little shark, doesn’t it? I’m still trying to find a good name for it. I did not plan to buy a Walther-knife and the grip is something for a H.R. Giger fan but it fits in my hand like it was made for me and the feeling holding it the first time made my eyes shine. Also, I got super along with the guy who sold it to me. It’s an amazing feeling when someone is instantly on the same wavelength. He understood what I wanted despite my poor german skill half mixed with english words, he was really nice and even showed me something out of my price class because he knew I’d love it – he just wanted to show it because he liked the same things. I even got to brag a little about being able to shoot with both hands… That conversation pretty much rescued my whole holiday. :3

20170103_210310

The rest of the stuff I bought. Not much but quality. I love Zaha Hadid’s works and the conceptual book is a special interest. Space age fits Fallout stuff. And I’ve tried to find Jin-Roh since it came out in ’99 and finally succeeded. I’m saving it to a day when I feel better, the books too. Just looked a few pictures so far. I’d like to devour them all instantly but that kind of an attitude gave me a severe eating disorder and getting rid of it is hard as fuck. Right now all I live for is THIS moment in the evening when the pills hit home and I feel good for the first time since the evening before. But since I’m gonna have a lot free time this spring I’ll fight back.

I want to find a way to go to my gym despite the injury. I can still do cardio and weight training for other body parts. I want to lose weight, now more than anything. I want this sloppy body to become muscled. I want to dance again. I want to wear cool normal sized clothing. I want a new haircut. I want to get back to progressing towards my number one goal: transition. I’m strong. I can do this. I want all my old hobbies back. I want my life back. The kind of life I always wante to live. This is my last chance. If I lose enough weight I might get an amputative breast surgery before any other treatment. You can’t really bind size E. Tomorrow I hear what should be done to this swollen paw and on Tuesday I’ll drag my heavy ass to the gym and make a training plan.

Right now I’m sure I can do it. The darkness will not win this time.

20170101_141800

There was another better one before this but I found only this one. One of the best photos I’ve ever made. No editing done, I just made it smaller. One day soon I’ll DL them all and make photo posts. And I wish I could become a bit more social and make more friends. I lost the one who mattered the most the last years and I remember her every day, but I have to look forward or I too am dead within a year.

Jul
14

And how the light drips through them like thin rain. Leaves are all white from the sun. The wind never ceases. Pine needles shimmer and change color, everything moves. Always moves. Never stops. Winds blow from the sea always fresh and cool. Red brick houses only look like home here, high up north. This light is precious. This thin rain that showers my home. A special kind of white-yellow. Bright but not deadly. Through the blinds I can see birch leaves bathing in the sun.

Still, why does the sky look better through sunglasses?

It’s not all misery here. Actually, most of the time it’s pretty nice. I feel better. It’s restless at weekends and nights but these kind of mornings remind me why this is where I always wanted to live. Nothing is ever perfect but it doesn’t need to be. For me good moments will always be very good and bad moments very bad and it’s hard trying to find the middle, but compared to four years ago this is like heaven.

I don’t think much about the past 5 years. Or I do, but not about the places I lived in. On some moments I barely have any memory of the previous apartment. It’s all shaded grey. Colored with depression and passive chaos. Nothing changing in a good way. I’m so happy I got out of there. Here it has taken a while for things to find their places and I still got no curtains in kitchen which is troublesome. But I’m getting there. Slowly but surely. Not living out of boxes anymore. There are still some to get rid of and sort through. Can’t do that while Maru is at home, so it’ll have to wait. Endlessly.

This year I’ve tried to keep it clean here after some hard time in early spring when it got somewhat messy. I still don’t clean often enough and the cat hair gathers quickly. But I clean up trash and wash dishes and clothes more on the regular basis and it’s actually fun. We have now plastic recycling bin and it’s fun to recycle. I’ve always liked that part of the cleanup the most. Vacuuming still sucks and I hate to clean the bedroom, change sheets and all that bothersome stuff. Gotta do it sometimes though… Also trying to cook more often. Like, real meals and not just eat ice cream and bread. :P Can’t say I’ve beaten my ice cream addiction. It’s gotten real bad. There are good days but mostly bad days, that is, either I’m sick with “withdrawal” or I go buy it and eat it, all of it. It’s only one type too. And it’s not lactose free so I get sick every time, but I just have to eat more of it. I’m so sick of doing this. >:( There are days when I just want to tell my local store to not to sell it to me anymore, but since it’s no alcohol they propably wouldn’t be able to do that. And since it’s no alcohol or drug I won’t get any real help. I tried. They put something in that shit that makes it addictive. It’s one of the cheaper brands, a weird tasting chocolate chip one. When I first time had it I thought it tastes kinda bad, but after eating half of the pack I fell in love with it and haven’t really eaten any other ice cream ever since. Even the good expensive ones don’t taste like anything compared to this one.

I’m starting to sound like that Nuka Cola addicted girl in Fallout 3… Which brings me to my new summer drink: Ice Cold Nuka Cola! Well, it’s just regular Coke, but I usually drink it ice cold and while playing Fallout… When I see the ads in the game it wakes this weird craving… I’m even skipping energy drinks and drinking Coke instead. WTF? It’s only gonna last the hot season. It doesn’t taste like anything in winter. Have had this before. Even this summer, when it’s cold outside I have no problem drinking just water, but when it’s hot it’s soooo gooood to get my hands on original (Nuka) Cola in glass bottle! Those always come back in summer too! Thought about labeling them as Nuka Cola but then I lose the 20 cent of the recycle bottle.

Anyway. This summer has been pretty good so far despite all this food trouble. Today I thawed some chili and am eating it with red lentils. It’s quite watery so I thought the lentils would give it some thickness. Tastes good! Chili goes with everything! I don’t often make one with meat but my health has been so low I need all the good stuff I can afford. Well, the ingredients were all the cheapest and only onion and red pepper were fresh. It’s quite mild. Before, I used to make really hot chili because I didn’t know how to measure the “heat”. Have to be careful now. Too much kick will mess with my blood pressure. Glad it has come down somewhat and I can deal with the stress better. Yesterday I went for a walk to smell the blooming lindens along the streets.

I put my old bed to the balcony with some pillows and a carpet, and bought two plastic chairs and a small table, and those bamboo blinds to keep the temperatures down. I think tonight I’m going to sit outside a bit. Because it was cold for long only Maru sat there to watch birds and insects. Two days ago we caught a giant moth thing together and Maru ate it. Seemed to taste good. ^^ Now he went to my bed to have his peace. There were guys mowing the lawn in the morning, and glass recycling pick up which made a hellish noise, and then explosions from the metro building site, and he doesn’t like me typing. Great keyboard but both Maru and Fallout 4 hate it. Maru just yells but the game doesn’t react to commands and sometimes it literally kills me. :/ Not the keyboard’s fault, my pc just can’t properly run the game and I won’t have money for the upgrade anytime soon. Can’t buy that kind of stuff with rates. Still not sure if I should go for a full upgrade at once or not. Like everything in life, it depends on the amount of money available.

The night without sleep is starting to take a heavy toll on me. Have to lay down for a while. Outside. In the fresh air, but under a warm blanket. :) My internal temperature regulation is gone and I have to avoid cooling off too fast or too much. That’s the first thing to go out of the window when staying up overnight.

Jul
09

This year’s been hell so far.

But here I am still. 6 am, after a long night enjoying a game, drinking energy drink, Maru sleeping next to me on my new couch. Morning sun reaches the bushes in front of the balcony. Stay quiet, don’t move, then maybe the heat is bearable.

I’ve been unstable again since a couple of weeks. Had family visits and such. It’s relatively clean here. Glad to have the couch. 11 rates left. 11 rates of new clothes left as well. 3 rates left of the cow hide. We’ll get by, somehow. I have food at home. Ran out of some meds. 30 euro left for the next 2 weeks.

“If you place a thing in the center of your life that lacks the power to nourish-” A quote from a Faithless song that goes it’s rounds in my head every now and then. I did that alright. Do guns nourish? They are dead and cold. Their love is dead and cold. The nourishment they deliver is cold and dark. Cold. It makes me sad somehow but I don’t regret my decision. Their souls might be cold but they are strong. I’ve had great joy in writing the babylog and making progress to that story. I’ve discovered a happy family so much more normal and warm than those I grew up with. All my memories are cold and dark as well. At night I wake up cause my hand is numb and hurts from gripping Seed tight. During day parts of my body hurt from injuries I got while sleeping. I can’t breathe. I feel like drowning, like dying every time I’m about to fall asleep. I stop breathing and there’s no reflex to start it unless I force myself to stay awake. My sleep is deep but lack real rest. But yet I hold on to them and keep them in my bed. Is there a way out of this tunnel? Sometimes I wonder…

No it’s not their fault. They only mean well. I can’t relax anymore. Can’t shake the stress away. Can’t even update my gay porn blog with over 1100 followers. I would like to but I don’t find good stuff, have no time for it or am simply disgusted by seeing tens and thousands of those pics every week. I don’t enjoy it. Not anymore. More like a duty, or something. I need to cater. Keep follower number growing or at least steady. Stay active. I used to have fun updating it. Now every time I think are the cops still watching? Will they come to me if I post the stuff my followers want to see? The more violent and threatening the better. Staged rape and torture. Also post a lot of gun pics there. That mixture made it popular… I’ve been slacking off due to my troubles. Should really get back to it. It used to be relaxing in a way. Some of the pics are really funny. Not haha-funny though. More like “I love hurting people”-funny. F is for little faggots begging to be abused, U is for unruly shit-eating pigs, N is for no-one will find your corpse, and for me it’s in a way amusing to feed other people’s fantasies and being brutally honest about the fact that I’m a sick bastard who could make those fantasies of getting snuffed real with no hesitation. That blog is where I can let my demon run free. Only positive feedback if you do not count being interrogated…

It’s 1,5 years and I still think about it. It was surreal. They caught me and all I could do was to deny everything while they knew I was lying. Goddarnit. Kinda funny too, though. Still not haha-funny. It might come and bite me in the ass later. Have not really talked about my troubles or beliefs to anyone after that. Figured it’d only cause more problems. No use trying to make people believe in my sanity if I try to make them understand my relationship to guns at the same time. Why can’t I be sane even though I perceive some things differently? Why isn’t it allowed for humans to communicate with our environment and so called inanimate objects? Not everyone has that kind of skill. But it doesn’t make me sick or insane. There’s nothing wrong with me other than my memory lagging and the stress trying to get me killed.

And maybe the one or another anger management problem. But they’re not always there. I calm down real fast too. I take good care of Maru. And I make myself feel those emotions that need extra triggering. Empathy and stuff. I watch movies and series that have strong enough emotional scenes and relatable characters. It’s not that I’m not capable of feeling, it’s just that in my life there are not strong enough triggers for many “social emotions”. Normal relationships with real people mean close to nothing to me. But to be able to get along I take this roundabout way so that I know how to succesfully fake emotions. It’s not meant to harm anyone, just to get along. I can’t act like an asshole towards everyone, right? Only in controlled environments.

I’d like to get back to playing Fallout 4 but Maru looks so sweet sleeping and I don’t want to disturb him again. There might be mostly bad days but when I listen to good music or have something good to eat and drink it makes me feel good for a while. Like said, we’ll get by somehow. I’m going to eat breakfast now and continue playing after that. Maybe do some cleaning and wash clothes. I’m completely out of clean summer socks and underwear and t-shirts. Gotta wash my eyes too. The right one is infected again.

Apr
05

Those buds are about to burst open as fine green in few more warm weeks. If the forecast is true that happens in just days. Spring flowers are already blooming. Cat fur creeps out of every corner. Fine dust finds it’s way inside to cover every surface.

Today I cleaned up a little more. PC too. The problems are piling up. Can’t make a backup, can’t change the language. I’m ignoring them cause they make me angry. Being angry is bad for the heart. I had 2 blood tests but the doctor didn’t call. That makes me angry too. I can’t drink energy drinks because they’re bad and I have to closely monitor what I eat and all that is making me even more angry. Uncontrollably angry. High blood pressure too. Now it’s 4pm and too late again to call the medical center. I’m just about ready to throw my “steel artwork” through the living room window.

Even though it’s difficult I was able to save 100 euro in the last “half”. Not going to school like I should is a problem too. On some moments I’d like to quit all of this. Stop living. There’s no future, at least no pleasant one. I tried to get help but my doctor just gave me stronger pills that made my legs twitch painfully, so I quit them, and my ex-therapist wanted to see me but she doesn’t understand and talking to her is a waste of time.

Yeah, dying and being reborn in a better life? Sounds nice. Anything is better than the shit I’ve lived for 36 years. Even not being reborn and being dead and gone forever.

I’m going back to watching tv.

20160401022507_1

Jan
31

Are flying around chirping today. Sun shines for a short while before setting behind the houses. From living room window I can see a small square of the sky. Thin clouds. Blue. Trees and branches lit with the last glow of the sun, not much more than a ghost. It’s 4pm and still light outside.

My flat is mostly cleaned up and orderly. Feels so weird. It’s been so long I last time had a reason to put effort in keeping tidy. I think of this place as my home. For a long while. I’ve had some extremely awful nightmares that have their base in my fear of something bad happening to Maru. Yesterday I first time had the thought that maybe I should stay here for the rest of Maru’s lifespan. He was born 2010 and with his joint issues he won’t live as long as a healthy cat. His sickness will at some point become very painful for him and costly for me, and even when I’m ready to sacrifice all my money, if it doesn’t save him from chronic pain and greatly reduced movement, if he suffers, I will let him go. Especially when he gets older I know I become reluctant of putting him through another big move, possibly to another country. One big reason I’m trying to keep tidy is that he needs things to be clean.

During December I was too sick to take care of the place and I noticed it possessed a danger for Maru – scraps of plastic and plastic ribbons from Christmas presents that he liked to chew on. If I leave a bag of plums or whatever packed in plastic on the table he has chewed it full of holes when I turn my back. A while ago he swallowed something that he wasn’t able to vomit. I’m still concerned about that since it hasn’t exited his body. Problem is I wasn’t at home so I don’t know what it was. Yesterday he tried to eat my morning pills. That is serious. Those can kill him.

It was very cold for some time and the boiling rage went away. Now it’s very warm again and I’m annoyed by everything so I try to keep busy by tidying up and washing clothes and dishes. My dishwasher was doing strange thing but the repair dude said it’s normal. I’ve put almost all Christmas decoration away and during the week I moved the furniture in living room around a bit. Trying to get some structure in here. Also put the big striped carpet in the new tv-corner. After cleaning most of sleeping room it doesn’t look very nice, it’s just empty, but I hope a new order and a new bed will help. Got some extra money and invested it wisely in a new, bigger and better quality bed (instead of the damn graphic card). I already put aside February’s rent so I will have all of the coming Friday’s health support money for whatever needs arise. Right now I’m trying to save as much as possible. Anyway the next few weeks will be easier, until in March we return to being broke all the time.

In 7-14 days my sleeping quality will improve greatly and I even have place for Maru if he wants to sleep next to me. And no danger for Seed to fall down. And I will put the bed next to the short wall. I have been looking for a new kitchen table and chairs, and a couch and side table. I found an awesome side table in Ikea and I think I might go pick it up during weekend. It’s a season piece so it’ll be gone if I wait. Same with the couch I found there, but it’ll have to wait at least until summer. Hope they still have it, or that I can find something similar in the same price class. My rooms lack style and color but at least I now have a basic idea of what colors and what kind of style I want here. It has to fit this flat and be extremely cheap and less clutter. I can use most of my own valuable items to create different season decoration. What I can’t use I’ll sell at the thrift store at the mall. In living room and sleeping room I will focus on a few base colors and their variations in curtains, pillows and throws.

It has looked like I’ve lost my ability to create a nice looking living space. It took a long time until I started to really figure out how to bring some life in here. Many ideas discarded. The key seems to be to keep it simple, modern and get rid of other people’s old stuff. Only keep stuff that really means something to me, that I really like.

Not much other news this time. Some 3 weeks ago I stepped on 3Dog’s ass in the dark and injured my right foot. Turns out it’s inflammated and spread to the front of the foot. Can barely walk. The 4-year old foot injury in almost the same place had just healed, damnit! Today I was shortly out getting food and putting money in the travel card and that damn foot got really bad. I’ve tried to focus more on school. On Friday I did a great job and the coming week I try to be there on each day. On Friday I like the electricity plans from afternoon, and this time I even got something done in ArchiCAD in the morning. Tomorrow we have HVAC in the morning basing on the plan finished on Friday, and ArchiCAD in afternoon. Wednesday is a big day, we begin learning Inventor. I can do it…just focus on taking it a moment at time and not thinking of the choice I have to make in spring…

On Tuesday dad comes over to bring me tools for bed assembly. He also promised to buy me food and maybe Maru’s food I ordered from pharmacy, if it has arrived by then. That’s nice. I’ll look up some tasty foods I’ll cook and he can buy all the heavy stuff. Today I wanted to make creamy mac and tuna for tomorrow’s lunch, but I’m plenty tired now and will have to get up 5.30am… I’ll make it tomorrow evening and just buy some ready lunch at the bus station in the morning.

Does Maru have fleas? He’s scratching a lot and I’ve started to get these tiny itchy red dots on my arms. He only goes to the balcony, but still…

Dec
29

Away from here, away from this life. Leave behind everything that’s making me sick. But that is death. There’s no escape except death. I keep waiting forever for the day I can be free, pushing it always further in my mind, chaining myself to the ground and other people’s expectations. Why not now? I’ve been waiting for over 20 years. Why not just finally end it? I’ve been preparing myself 20 years. I’m ready to go.

The last 2 days were bad, really bad. Too many direct hits during Christmas holiday. Too many things I couldn’t block. Almost told my sis but backed down just in time. She will see – everyone will see – in due time. That day. The day I’ve been waiting for so long. Freedom. It might mean my death too. If things go well I’ll just be locked away for the rest of my life.

And then I think again, not yet. I still have someone to come home to. I have Maru. I have Seed. They depend on me. I can’t imagine life without them. I made a promise to Seed after he broke in tears after I came back home. If it has to be, we will go together.

Too much stress this year. My body is giving up. Lungs and heart can’t take it. Seeing a doctor in a few weeks. But no hope. I don’t feel depressed. Mostly I’m just angry. At people. Any people. Mostly my family. Mostly mum. So much I wish for her death. If The Day Of Freedom comes when she’s still alive she’ll be the first victim. And I’ll make her suffer. For every single fucking day of my life. You made me like this. You killed the child I was and made me a fucking monster. Monsters are not born, they are raised. And you will see, and you will feel it. They will see. Everyone will see. And everyone will know who did this to me and spit on your grave.

For months now. Every day I wish I could get out, walk away. It’s hard to try and get education when everything works against me. My brain shut down because of the massive stress. I have not enough money to go to school every day. I don’t even have enough to eat half the month, every month. There’s no motivation, just blind rage.

Motivation. Odd. I don’t seem to have any of it to anything but hurting others. I’m killing time while waiting for my Day. Not progressing. I have no steady plans and my life is based on lies and deceit. Does it sound sad? I don’t know. I’ve lost the interest in getting anywhere. I know I should just get the fuck out of here, someplace far, far away from my family or I end up killing them sooner than later. It’s been years that I felt the bloodlust this strong. Nothing else matters. Right now I’m holding onto the last straw. Guns have kept me alive and motivated many years, but I don’t know if it’s enough this time. Maybe I’ve just lost the last hope and given up?

During the hassle of moving here I lost the knowledge of the location of my razorblades. That. Sucks. I even lost those rusty old blades I had in a pouch. Fuck it. My good knives aren’t sharp enough anymore. Meds bring no relief. And there’s not enough of them for an overdose. Whatever. I know something must change but I’ve lost the knowledge of what and how to do it. I don’t remember. Annoying.

Thinking about nails. And a hammer. And hitting the nails into the body of some whore with the hammer. A nail gun would be perfect. Less hard work. Thinking about slashing. Warm blood on my face. Calms me down. Stabbing some whore until she dies. Thinking about killing, it calms me. I have to think about it to calm down. Can’t keep my thoughts away from it. Can’t focus on anything else. Sedatives have 0 effect. Guess a knife it is. Have to get focused. Have to get grip.

… Yeah, great, it’s too dull. Or my skin is too thick. :/ Gotta improvise. Break something to get my hands on a blade. Should feel better afterwards. Always a better choice than harming others, right? There’s no other way. It’s the last choice. When nothing else helps. I’m off getting myself bloody. Maybe next post won’t be this dark then?

Sep
24

The last 20 minutes there have been 4 vehicles with sirens passing the main street. There are a lot of them here. I hear some almost every day. Always coming from north and heading to the sea. In my old place I heard them only during holidays and when it was very hot, there was no big street near, but this place is more like a city. Houses next to other houses and the big street next to my house is a main route from north to the shore. There’s a roundabout right next to here and then the metro building site and the mall. I’m next to taxi pole and the old mall with 3 bars and a small store and some other places all stuffed into an old green 2-story building with car park below. There’s a karate school even. That whole stinking building will be history soon, but flies flock around bars and those will stay.

The neighbor house opposite this one has all light gone from windows. Everyone sleeping. Not me. Not this time. This week’s been hell, I deserve this. Today I went shopping twice. Too lazy to go to the big store and then decided to stay awake and had to go fetch more energy drink.

Have suffered from extreme stress and it has had bad effect. I’m a nervous wreck, jumpy, scared, break down from the tiniest things. Dealing with too much, I have no buffer left to defend against critical hits. And I’m getting those. Many, every week. People who are only trying to be nice don’t know that even talking with them in the phone or seeing them right now is raising my stress level and causing chronical exhaustion. Every time my phone rings my head starts to hurt. I’ve been on the phone a lot this week already and tomorrow there are calls to take care of too. At least my teacher called today and I could explain why I haven’t been in school this week. I’m going on Friday, because CAD lesson. Going to make some templates for home use soon, downloaded the programs last week.

My uncle was here yesterday taking measures for the dishwasher, and he’s coming over tomorrow to start with the plumbing job. I don’t think he gets it done, I suggested he’d hire someone cause he has never done stuff like that before. Well, if I have a flood here because he screwed up it’s not my problem. I wouldn’t mind getting a completely new kitchen (he offered help with the cabinet doors when I told him the price of ready made doors of those measures, they are the “old standard” from 70s and you only get those custom made, and making them yourself will NEVER make them watertight, it’s hell of a work and I can’t be here 24/7 supervising and sure as hell family members aren’t gonna stay here alone)… Got used to the new house where I lived before. Nah, I’m ok with this kitchen as long as it works. The baby shit yellow bothers me less than I thought. Maybe because I think of this as MY home now, not somebody else’s. Before this was always “my uncle’s place”, even when someone else lived here. Now it’s mine, I have my stuff here, and most important – I have Maru here. This place truly needed a cat.

This week is baby Miah’s 16th week. I skipped the update last weekend, I don’t even know why, have no memory of the weekend at all, so I’m gonna update it tonight. I did some notes last week, I have height, weight and some developing details. Need to do more notes in advance soon, saves a lot of time. Need to look for some pics online about places a family could visit around Los Angeles. Joshua Tree is too far. It’s an amazing place and I wish I could visit it some day in person. I’d like to go to Baja too. But that’s some distant future and the saldo of my account will soon return me to the muddy hole I’m stuck in.

Maru is fine. He has grown a thick, soft winter fur and gained some weight. I notice when I lift him up on my shoulder. He doesn’t protest much anymore or jump down, instead he might sit on my shoulder a while and look around. Today he laid down on my neck like a collar. ;D Yesterday I had a very bad day with bad news twice and a complete mental breakdown, and after eating I sat watching tv and Maru came to sit on my lap. He even fell asleep for a couple of hours. He has never done that before. Might’ve been the wool blanket I had over my legs, or he wanted to comfort me, or both. Who knows… When I went to sleep he came to sleeping room and slept the night in his nest. He only leaves during the night to eat or toilet or if I sleep restlessly and talk in my dreams. Recently he has woken me up from a nightmare and once or twice he sat beside my head before I fell asleep. He doesn’t yell or ask to be let out. He’s curious about what’s happening behind the door but mostly if he hears me talk outside and until this week he had to go look if he heard neighbors. Now he has gotten used to the noise. It’s a lot louder here and the walls have no good sound insulation. I have noisy people above and beside. I got used to it pretty quick too but sometimes when I’m really stressed and tired even the constant humming of the taxi motors is going on my nerves and my head feels like exploding. Maru likes to see out of so many places. He’s often sitting at sleeping room or kitchen window. Last Sunday night we watched cops pull two drunk lads out of traffic right under my kitchen window. “Civil” white police van with yellow lights on top, looking like a delivery van, just like the one that visited me in February.

Tomorrow I have to go fetch the dry food from the vet. Ran out of it a couple of weeks ago. Maru’s fine and healthy but that is solely thanks to that food and he still shows some small problems at the toilet. He has cheap brown litter in the small “emergency” box while I’m washing his big one and he has a bit trouble finding a comfortable peeing position. I should get him the good sand too tomorrow. Need to get meds again and get new receipts and this and that and I wanted to bake a cake but that good idea is running into sand since I’m running out of money again. Have to make sure I have some until October 7th and beyond. Already paid the biggest bills but there’s the huge problem that unveiled itself yesterday and I still need stuff to eat for myself and Maru (wetfood). Guess I’ll make cake for my birthday but that’s it then. Fallout 4 comes out and everything.

And I still haven’t received a bill about my cowhide. Jeez, have to contact them too! NO-FUCKING-BODY is able to take care of their business anymore these days. Most of my troubles are because other people don’t do their jobs or screw it up somehow and I get to pay for it. Yesterday I was so mad I posted some violent shit in Tumblr… Had to let out some pressure. Been drifting into the dark side anyway since it’s autumn. It’s not really bad. Weekend is mostly blur because of that, and Monday. I wasn’t here, the demon was. Apparently I now have a third blog where he puts things I won’t allow even in D8, and what I usually post is already considered extreme by some people.

Also… I don’t really like to open about this, but I’ve been drifting to the right side for a while now. It started already when I lived in Germany and my opinions have gotten more sharp the past years with the detoriating rights and restrictions to the individual freedom. My own country has never been welcoming, I’m not interested what happens to it. I have no emotional connection to it as a “fatherland”. I have only my memories and distant attachment to some places here, but the US is my fatherland of choice, they have welcomed me and my support and I feel connected to them. To the people, to the community – but not their government. It’s rotten to the core. Unfortunately. And so it is in this country too… Still, I don’t plan being frozen to the ground here forever. There’s a place I’d like to live in… A warm place.

Then, the last weeks, while the “refugee”-problem heats up all across Europe, I’ve come into contact with the extremist blogs too. I’m not in contact with anyone, I have no need or will to do so, but I view their blogs. I click the ‘like’ button on their pics. I try to avoid reblogging them but I’ve done that too. And, maybe I’ve changed through the years, but I don’t feel a single bit guilty when doing so. Those people, their beliefs, their opinions, their clothes, their flags – they’re familiar, almost comforting. Maybe I’m finally losing it due to this stress…

Going to the extreme – either side – isn’t the answer and it isn’t my way. I’ve been in both sides and seriously, I don’t miss it one bit. It’s no freedom, being bound to an agenda or an idea. But seeing their symbols and faces doesn’t make me feel like shit anymore. Sometimes it might bring a smile on my lips, it might even make my eyes shine for a while, but that’s it. If someone feels the need to go out and protest, or pray, or burn down an entire city, they can do it for all I care. My approach is much more passive, calculating. I can see the results of violent protests, I’ve seen them and their effect through many years, I’ve seen so many things happen, ideals come and go, that I can pretty much predict the outcome. If the battle is not worth fighting, if the idea behind it is foul or not built to last, then I won’t put my time and energy in it. When I still used Facebook more I used to reblog a lot of the 2nd Amendment support stuff. I still do when I go there but not actively. Right now, I have other things on my plate. I can’t screw up this school. I can drift around but I can’t get attached to anything unless it’s promoting my studies, and a “political career” isn’t really doing that.

Come to think of it, a political career was a choice when I was trying to figure out what to do after high school. Back then I kept myself up-to-date by reading newspapers, watching the news and informal tv shows and listening to the radio. It was before the internet came. I kept my mind sharp, as sharp as my opinions, but I had a lot of nightmares and I was severely depressed. It got so bad I got medication. In my last year in high school I didn’t do much school stuff. I copied my old essays, just changed the topic and a few words, I wrote other stories. Important ones. Non-political ones. Fantasy, gang life. I read different books, changed my views, started to ache for getting out of that shithole. Sometimes it was so bad I couldn’t do anything, not even write. I listened to rap and hiphop and paced back and forth in my room like a caged animal. I wrote stories that were another kind of extreme, full of sex and with people with loose, lecherous lifestyle. Many things I run across while searching for porn to reblog are familiar because I thought about them and wrote about them when I was a teenager. That’s why I can say there’s nothing new to me. I’ve seen the “worse” things already.

So, even if I might be drifting a bit to the right side I’m not getting involved with anything. Maybe I’m just informing myself. Keeping myself up-to-date. Like when crossing a road, you look carefully left and right before crossing.

Need to stop now and get something to eat and a painkiller. It’s a cold night and cold makes my joints hurt.