Every day is a fight

Why are some people so intolerant?


i met a woman today. I sat the whole day at home, received the last piece of furniture from a german transport company, which caused confusion as he didn’t speak english. I used computer, stroked Maru, tried to teach Maru not to do some things he shouldn’t, like licking my neck and pressing his paws (with claws out) against my neck (it’s itching now), and not to play with human hand or foot. He got a little scared a couple of times, from too much noise outside and he got a little hurt when jumping down from wrong position.

Then at last I brought out the stinking rubbish. Cat shit bag, bio-waste and normal waste. They have been polluting the air since days. The bio-waste was there almost two weeks. I was really surprised the bio-bag was not rotten and the carrying bucket was not dirty. In toilet the catsand still stinks but I change it sometime this week. Maru also sat on my laptop. Yes, here on the keyboard. He changed some options and it took me a while to get it back to normal. The warning sounds I didn’t get away yet. Figure it out later. And despite my strong will I have gotten a certain amount of allergy. I don’t complain, cause this is whathappens always when I have a new strange cat around me. It was the same with german cat Muki, but I got used to him in a couple of months. With Maru it’s somewhat worse cause he’s here all the time, and EVERYPLACE is full of white hair. But like I said I don’t complain. He’s such a lovely being. Today he got stressed so he became a little bitey.

Yes, that woman I met lives in the B-house, with those people who are “more sick”, some would call them retarded. I do sometimes. Sorry for that. :/ She has extremely short short time memory. I’ve met her a couple of times but each one is a new one for her. We talked a lot, she seemed nice, and when I figured out she forgets things quickly I agreed to show her my flat. She’s the fatness in person, I’d NEVER run around like that, not even when it’s dark and nobody on our yard. But she was open about it, and I’ve seen that on myself on times that were much worse than now. We got quite good along. It’s healthy for me to get to know the other people living in here. Even when sometimes I think I can’t stand even a sight of them..

Well, and because I saw no danger from her side and she wanted to see my place I took her here. She could stroke Maru a bit and looked around how a single apartment looks like, cause these are totally different from those in B-house. And – of course I have my handgun laying on the table beside my laptop. Do I have a swizz cheese brain or is this some kind of curse. Well, for my incredible luck she didn’t <i>seem</i> to notice it. The table is black, Taurus is black.. Maybe I had luck. Maybe not. We will see. Earlier when someone came to surprise visit and saw my both guns I used an excuse that I don’t normally keep them laying around, what was of course a lie, bigger than any other I have ever told in my entire life. xD I can’t stop people from coming to surprise visit. This time I saw no danger, <i>and I didn’t remember I took Ari on my desk after holding it in my hand during the phone call when my friend from Kerava called me</i>.

Cause, this might sound odd, but they really calm me down very fast. The last week’s been extreme stress, my heart is jumping around again, and like yesterday only thing that calmed me (as I don’t take Seed out of his box until the most of the massive hair problem is taken care of (vacuum cleaning tomorrow..)) was just watching shooting videos on Youtube. It’s an endless journey there. I watch both real ones and stuff with airsoft. Plus somewhat realistic war games, but mostly such ones without real background like everything that has to with Vietnam. Mainly cause I like modern guns, not that old shit.. AK-47 might be great because so many people praise it to heaven, but it’s drop dead UGLY..

I very easily judge people after how big threat I think they are for me. Some are not, like my new online friend. I liked him from the very beginning. And my stomach feeling is rarely wrong. With my ex it took sometime to find trust. I’m careful. Only in situations where I feel totally safe with someone I can develop trust really easily. There are absolutely no other persons right now than this one friend. It feels like I never had someone like him. I barely know him but I’d put my life in his hands. O.o

Now I’m on drugs””. Have taken two 15mg sedatives in short time. I don’t feel the mental pain in my head. At least for some hours I don’t feel fear. And after those hours I go to sleep, relax with my right-now-best-friends that are made from plastic and metal. Sometimes I wonder how can it be that a gun can replaces a best friend. But it’s the big decisions in life. Sometimes it’s just time to let go. Forget all the hopeless hope bound to certain people. To accept there will never be such a connection there once was. We have changed, we have gone into different directions, and I carry a grudge of what he did with Ari, mocking me because I like guns, treating me like a piece of shit. Of course it’s true that most people I know, in my family mostly, will never accept this. They will flip out. They are afraid. I understand why. It’s clear like perfect surface of glas. It’s how anyone would react. BUT, why this intolerance? People are different. Leave us our fun, and if you like reading books for fun or planting flowers or sitting on a beach burning your skin for fun – it’s your way to relax and cope from a hard day. If I have stress I relax with my guns.

I really have to find a place.. Somewhere isolated from any urban areas with too many people. In this area there’s a giant echo >< and it’s no fun in forest where too many trees grow. I should find me new friends. To play with. I like to learn more. It’s so bad I only get the most of inner strength when on meds or alc. Especially on these times when I have a lots of stress and problems with money. I need someone to guide me. Alone I feel often so weak. Even when with a lot physical condition right now. I have to get better. Always better until I reach perfection.

So, this all shows I’m bringing in this blog together two blogs, my old Amimorphis and it’s dark brother Shadowbound. They will still exist sometime, but I’ll delete them too, until everyone reading them has figured out I have moved.

I’m also cleaning up my Facebook account. I will throw all my friends out there in the end of this week and keep only the likes from which I want to have news. People will be able to see my status and what I post, but only friends can post on my wall, and I will not accept new friend invitations, at least in the beginning. Friends who know about my blogs can keep following me here, those who have my mobil phone number can send me messages, others can use email to communicate. With this process I also change my screen name. I only use it later on those blogs I keep in Blogger. From them there will not exist a link here. It’s not like I wanted to completely disappear.. It’s just this is getting too much for me. I’m starting to finally get a life, and I want to LIVE that life, not just watch it from aside not taking part in it. :/

Tears are flowing out of my eyes. Part because of the allergy, part because I’m so afraid to be rejected. I’ve always been. I’ve seen it too many times. People “forget” me, don’t show up to a meeting, stop answering my letters even when they swore for friendship for the rest of our lives. People I really liked. Who were important to me. Then those assholes who just leave me behind or stand there alone in the middle of nowhere just cause I have different clothes on than they were expecting, and those who just wanna abuse me because I act irresponsible. In school they teased me when I had old homemade clothes and nothing fashionable. And when I finally got new clothes that were in fashion at that time they teased me because of them too. I have made giant mistakes too. I’ve not been able to appreciate friendships and people who treated me nicely and really wanted to be friends with me, because there has been a time in my life when I was a real asshole. That paranoid psychotic growing up from the age of 15 to 18. At times I was completely insane but no-one cared. They were blind or just didn’t give a shit. All my memories of that time are shaded by endless darkness and depression bound together with extreme opinions and extreme violent thoughts. I never want to go back there again.

I know there will be moments I doubt if taking a cat was really the right choice. I already have such thoughts. But when he’s nice, sleeping there on my sleeping bag, eating up his food and medicine, I think I’m really ready for this. Actually the biggest worry I have that his hair will be everywhere in those places where it absolutely should not be – in the barrels of my guns. >< AND gearboxes. That could get really expensive.. Or get in when inserting battery.. Damn cat hair. Hope he will not lose so much in winter.

Let this be the end this time. Now I go to Youtube for a while. Have still a massive amount of “watch later” -videos. Next time I post some photos or kind. Happy week everyone!

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