Every day is a fight

I’m stuck

Feel like my whole life is stuck. Can’t move forward in the direction I want to, miss the area I spent my childhood in, feel lost and alone.

I might have told about this in my last post, just can’t remember. I’m closing my Facebook-account from all those “friends” I have there. In future I keep it as a tracker for news of those sites I’m interested in. No social network like that. Never again. Already when I first time logged in there it started to break me, piece by piece. In the end of this week I have thrown out every single “friend” I have there, closed my wall from anyone but my friends, and as there is none… I hope to make things easier for me that way. Everytime I’m in there my head gets overloaded by all the crap other people post that I don’t want to hear. Maybe it’s not crap from any other persons point of view.. But I’m going crazy.

Right now I’m falling again. Deep and fast. I fight, but I cannot predict when I next time seek help from hurting myself. It’s so damn close every day. Yesterday it was hell. Today I’m trying to drunk my sorrows in watching somewhat realistic war game videos. I wish I could sometimes drunk my sorrows in alcohol. It’s way easier. :/ But I can’t stand cider anymore, everytime I drink it I have to puke later, I can’t drink big amounts of long drinks or beer, and from wine there’s never enough to make me drunk. It’s always shared with at least two other people from which one is taking him the most and giving me the least. x( One day soon I’m gonna buy myself a bottle of nice cool rosé wine, on a warm summer evening, and go somewhere where I can be alone, sit on a stone in a forest and drink it in peace. Have some time for me alone.

Yes, and this is bringing me close to my point to this post: why I feel stuck.

I need a new PC. And I have no money for it. In this month I have less than 200 euro for living (food, cat food, cat sand, toilet paper, milk etc.) after I paid my rent. I should have paid it yesterday, but got one week extra. If a miracle happens and I get my guarantee pension or whatever it’s called in english (Google Translator sometimes fails) my life is saved til September. I can even put some aside for important buys on my list. And that list is long..

First PC, then a new table for it cause this one is too small, couch, closet for dishes (from Ikea, costs about 350 euros), stereos, dvd-player and LP-player in good quality, the good quality ACR Masada with extra parts like folding stock cause the other one is too long for me, modding parts for my P90, new TV-table the same style than this table.. The list never ends. O_o

And this is where I’m stuck. NO MONEY. In this area you need an own car to get away from urban areas to such places  that are suitable for shooting around in PEACE. AND: I don’t need irresponsible ADHD kids around me. Where I used to live as kid you only need to drive about 20km away from city and you are in completely peaceful (Google fails here again) “area where a lot of pine trees grow, with sand ground, sandpits around, gravel, lots of stones, maybe old rusty machines, and the best: protected with high sand walls on street side and thick forest on the other one”. Sounds perfect, right? You need an own car there too, but the ways to drive to find such a place are easier. It’s called Salpausselkä and it’s formed by moving ice that brought a lots of sand and gravel there, then stopped and melted so that after Salpausselkä the giant area with these kitschy 10 000 lakes begins.

Here is the artistic photo of my P90 I made some time on spring or winter. It should have gotten 3D effect with some “balls”, but it didn’t work.

Artistic view of my P90

One of my future dreams is to own a car and be able to drive wherever I want to. It has to have automatic gears though. I’d prefer a BMW, but they are expensive, so an asian product would also do. As cheap as possible but not totally rubbish. It should be somewhat safe too. Big enough to sleep in it, big enough to carry all kinds of stuff like tent and sleeping bag, maybe having a bike carriage behind. I’d so much like to travel to Lappland some day. (Yeah, I need a Trangia cooker too.. My dad has one but he will propably use it never again so maybe he’d give it to me.)

Yes, and with my own car I could search ANY place on a map that seems suitable for wasting money with expensive good quality bio-BB’s..

And there’s this problem again. No. Fucking. Money. ><

Well and then I’d like to have friends with same kind of hobbies.. But there I’m extremely problematic person cause I don’t easily trust anyone, I’m scared to say anything to people who act like pros, and especially those who dislike n00bs.. Damn. So I just sit at home and cry cause I’m stuck. Try to learn more, do my best to always smile and never show weakness. Try to be sharp and train. Burn out by trying too much to be perfect. :/

Well, some more locations I’d like to travel to: Norway. North of it and all the beautiful fjords, getting as close to the end of Europe as possible. Sweden, southern parts cause it’s been so long I last time was there, in the middle cause I never was there, and of course north for it’s beautiful landscapes. Germany, it’s my second home. Austria again. I like it there. Switzerland, Never been there, but could see at least the H.R. Giger exhibition. France, Provence, all the very old gothic churches, the coast. Great Britain. It’s been so long time.. Scottland for it’s wonderful moors, weather and the northwestern AND Cornwall coast in England. Russia. Never been there. Or I have, coutless times, but back then it was called Soviet Union. I miss the old times.. It seemed so happy and friendly place back then. I was a kid and often sick, but still I have only good memories of that country. I also have a kind of connection to Estland, but I don’t wanna go there anytime soon. It’s shadowed by some very dark memories. Italy, Greece, Morocco, Egypt mainly because of Sahara. I love dunes. Bahrain. Iran, Afganistan. India. Tibet. Nepal. Bhutan. Southeastern Asia, Australia because of Uluru. Japan. I wish sometimes I could spend the last years of my life in Japan. Somewhere in the mountains, living in and for a temple. Being free of everything, having peace and dying in peace. But before that I want to circle the sacred mount Kailash. It would help me a lot to find inner peace and the right path. And I would do it with bowing to the ground after every few steps.

The other option for dying is a headshot. :/

Maybe I should stop here. :/ I’m not a lot of fun company today. My cat Maru starts getting more active. When I go to sleep I sit there on my bed and try to relax and that works the best when holding Seed. I’m so used to sleep with at least one gun on the table beside me that it’s often difficult to sleep in other places where I can’t take them with me. That is why I sleep restless and wake up many times a night when not at home. Fuck the cat hair, I can clean them a bit more often and seems like Maru has no interest on them anyway. This is just my way of life. I should stop always telling my visitors the lie that “usually I don’t keep them laying around”. Because I do! But it’s none of their fucking problem!

I don’t give a shit if it scares them. Indeed I like it when they get scared or nervous or unsure. Hah. There it goes, their cool and steady attitude against everything. So what if they are just airguns. If people don’t know they get scared anyway. Even the strongest person, my ex, said they make him nervous when I said they make me calm and relaxed. Well I said that they don’t bite too, but still had to remove them from around him.. Sissy.

Tomorrow the next visit at my nurse. Don’t get a “real” therapy, but this is better than nothing. I guess.. I guess I take Ari with me in the city. Often when I visit a friend in Kerava I do take it with me even when he once said I should never do it again, and when he asks I just lie to him.. It makes me feel better when it’s close to me, as Seed is too big to carry around without someone noticing. Ari fits in my bag, he’s with me. I’m not alone. Yea, I think it’s about being alone. I don’t feel it at home. Here I have my family. All three of them. But sometimes, out there, I miss someone to stand by my side. Someone who understands. If it’s not human it’s at least Ari. He’s still pretty young but he has grown from a baby to about 8-10 year old in less than half a year. I just have to give him enough attention.

Well, and IF I take him with me, why not show him to my nurse? A risk, but in life some risks have to be taken. I wanted to do this already some time ago but forgot it then.

Ok, this “stop here” got a bit long. Anyway, I’ll be back later sometime. Writing this all down is making me feel a bit better. Still, it doesn’t stop me from cutting my wrists once again. I never get rid of that addiction. Never. I never get the needed therapy cause I never get so much better that I could return to work. Right now I guess I have to live in this support home at least five years. So, I take Ari with me, go to my sleeping corner, take out my blades, try to find some usable stuff to stop the bleeding. I don’t have any so some tissues have to do, fixed with green tape. Walking outside like that tomorrow. It’s absolutely the worst image I want to give from me. But I guess I don’t care for that anymore. :/

P.S. The next day: I didn’t show Ari around even when I really really wanted to. I just couldn’t choose if I want to look harmless or not. Well I already had clothes on that don’t make me look the most harmless person in the city.. It’s nice I can change my look that way. The time for Ari will come, some day. I just hope that doesn’t lead me to spend a night at police station.. xD

3 Responses to “I’m stuck”

  1. I don’t have any wise words for you, so I’ll just leave this comment here so that the comments feed starts working. :)

  2. Any comment is welcome.. ^_^ It’s been a hard day again but now I think I can finally get some relaxation.. Changing a blog to a new author and getting a new Google account is a trouble when internet connection is constantly breaking together..

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