Every day is a fight

Not good. Not good at all.

It seems to get worse every day. Or better every night. Today I kept myself in doing something (OK, I mostly read The life and times of Uncle Scrooge 2), slept late anyway, washed laundry and dried it in drying room. Made up a meeting with the personal of this house on Saturday. I have no idea how I’m going to stand this. I can’t hurt myself, it doesn’t help at all. I don’t want to do it. Cutting my neck is already one step in really bad direction. It also doesn’t heal very well because it’s so hot outside. And inside. The wounds are still swollen. I sit here and night goes by, in my old ragged clothes, feeling restless and awful hour after hour.

I don’t stand this anymore. I got get the sedative. It’s the hell without it.

Why always in July? How good the June ever was, in July things go wrong. I sink deep to the bottom and the fall is endless. Last year in July I spent two weeks in hospital. In July everybody has their summer holidays and only “first aid” is available. I guess it will be that, again. Maybe I should go talk to the personal tomorrow. I should at least bring the stinking rubbish out. And go cancel the time I reserved for the next laundry day. Should have been Saturday. No chance I’ll get it done.

I found where Maru was sleeping: on my bed, on the fresh washed bedclothes. Good that I had enough wits to cover then with a dirty pullover.. He woke up when I went to bedroom, wanted to be stroked and now he’s in his favourite chair. It’s good he calmed down. I was already worried he’d hurt himself badly.

This photo is taken on the Model fair in April. This was quite a huge model. Built from scratch to an exact copy of an american “tank”. Or better a car with chains under it.. Looked pretty ugly, I like the modern tanks more, but these chains were cool. This is the only “sharp” pic I managed to get, and it’s somewhat heavy edited. Hmm, I like tanks. :) Already many many years. I used to cut pics of them out of newspapers and glue them to my diary. I also drew them, it seemed so easy. Should try again sometime.. The basic form is easy. Adding other parts is more difficult, but they don’t need to look like real ones. :) Yes, and I have seen enough tanks to know what the basic parts look like..

I read parts of a newspaper today and wrote down a long post about politics, in my phone. It was from that article where Obama was accused of gliding into Bush’s camp in fight against terror.. I don’t like politics, but I like to rant about them. ^^ Well, OK, I like politics and I’m interested in it, but mostly in the global one. I think the economic liberal way. We have seen enough badly constructed economies lately (Greece, Portugal…), and I think all countries should have leaders who think my way. Cause if they don’t have a working economy the whole country is very soon ruined. I also have quite sharp opinion about the current EU politics, but I’ll make an own post about that stuff. I could talk about it endlessly and want to stop this now and go to Youtube watch some shooting videos.

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