Every day is a fight

Dead? and gone

I’m gone. Into the cyberspace.

Starting with Nyan cat. Followed with games and anime. I could bite my ass that I didn’t buy me a new computer when I still got my “maintenance”, unofficial such basing to a deal I had with my ex, which should not be mentioned as I got it without telling the officials here. But I dont’t get it anymore. And while I got it I don’t even know where it all went. Cause now I have exactly as less as all the time. But some time I did have extra, and I should have bought it then. Just had no brains or whatever.

You have nyaned for 800 seconds. That session is over. Be back later.

I don’t know what is going to happen the next few days. I have the feeling a big crash is coming. The nightmares, the fear when waking up, restlessness, that void inside. The only chance to survive it is to cut all connections to outside. Only keep those necessary. I might keep posting some crap like til now, but I’m sinking very fast so it could get really bloody.

Over and out. (with blinking cursor at the end)

P.S. Some days ago I noticed I have a really bad looking injury on my right hands first finger. I have no idea where it came from. It must have been squeezed between something. Now it’s slowly turning more blue than dark. Still dark though, still hurting, although pain is no obstacle. The same finger has old injuries that will never go away, a scratched part where I had a mosquito bite, the knuckles are already damaged for forever. They look different than left hand. Also in fingers the skin has gotten thicker and it’s no more smooth. I have seen hands like this and worse. I didn’t think that one day I’d be there too. Well, some part of me wanted this to happen, and the rest didn’t care. I promised myself last time I won’t cut myself anymore. Cause it’s no help. The skin on my arms has lost it’s feeling nerves, it’s thick, it has scars, I don’t feel it anymore. So it’s no use. Even the sharp blades don’t do real damage if I don’t cut much deeper. And I cling to life, so I won’t do that.

P.P.S. A freak as I am I created last night new lyrics to that Coke song I talked about yesterday. At least the beginning. Further I have not yet come. It goes like this: “I’d like to buy a BFG and show the world my love, I’d kill some people every day and punish them with war…” xD

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