Every day is a fight

Center of your attention

That was only illusion. I think. I still feel unreal. Those five days “fun and activity”. I have the feeling only half of me was alive. I lied a lot. Or better, didn’t tell the truth about my opinions or symptoms. I still told WHY I will have to eat these pills. Because if I don’t I will kill people. I tried to sound trusting and hopeful about future, I told about my dreams and wishes.

But all that work… Being two people’s brain (me and mom) and tongue. Using two languages all the freakin’ time. It drained me. And I got WAY too little sleep. 6 hours, 7 hours, 4 hours, 8 hours and 8,5 hours. I was exhausted most of the time and in the end I started to lose my temper in simple and small things like making fast decisions in shops when there’s only ten minutes to go til boarding starts. But filming was fun and in a way all those conversations were fun too. Just not for the real me. I felt like being a hollow figure, only surface there and no soul. And I found out “my baby” had died. That made me very sad. ;_; There’s a video I made earlier today to remember him on my Youtube channel. It’s a fast work and not thought through, had no time. These I’m watching now:

Maru isn’t coming home for tonight, we didn’t manage to get him into the carriage. Doesn’t matter. Thinking of him makes me so tired. He’s not Muki. Before I got Seed Muki used to be the center of my attention. Now Seed – and my new friend, let’s call him C – are that.

Eating is shit. I hate it. On holiday I got awfully sick from EVERYTHING I ate. Then I realised it was because of everything had lactose. In Germany only a few lactose free products exist. I wanted to throw up all the time, some morning I couldn’t even sit without feeling totally ill. Sleep withdrawal, migraine, wrong food, stress, extreme brain work with two to three languages (as mom spoke english with my ex), extreme physical stress. Now I’m home with no money to buy food.

And the depression’s back too. There was a small going up to balance for one or two days. Sunday was fine. Boat trip on Danub. My face got sunburned. Flights went OK with sedatives. I’ll never ever try to fly without them. It was a big plane too and didn’t shake so much.

Met my social worker today (well, second nurse) and was unable to speak anything that’d make sense. I tried my best. Think I made at least one point. Also I got an appointment to a psychologist in two weeks. We will talk and see if he can offer me anything helpful. I’d like to just isolate myself from EVERYTHING, in a bunker underground, shoot myself in arms, eat nothing and sleep. I don’t know what I should say to that guy. I have even forgotten what cognitive therapy means!! I have no idea how anyone could cure my behavioral disorders that seem to get stronger all the time. I wish so much I could just walk out there and shoot people in heads. JUST LET THIS OUT!! LET MYSELF FREE!! I took a thin newspaper from the airport (those for free with the basic economic and political news) where this norwegian killer is pictured reconstructing his crime. He’s holding his hands like holding a gun – and smiling. I recognise a smile on his face. I don’t know if anyone else does. I saw that pic and thought immediately I’D LOVE TO BE HIM.

Sleeping in the hotel bed I had hope for a bright second. Hope to once have a better life, a partner who understands and supports me, a nice car, a job, a garden. Now when I’m back home I see only dark, cold cell with concrete walls, no windows, isolated from other prisoners cause I’d rip their neck with my teeth.

Let’s say I tell this to that psychologist.. What would he say? What could he do?

I hate to go out of my home, when everytime I go out I think about the chances I’d have that I won’t ever use. I won’t take the knife with me. I won’t threaten anyone with Ari. I SHOULD. That’s for me. It’s my destiny. My path was meant to be dark and bloody. The only reason I cling to light are those in the center of my attention. They are the most important thing.

And I FEAR that the hope I’m putting on them is letting me fall deep again. That some day that hope will just disappear like all the hope I ever put on other things too. That they will let me down. I’ll lose them and all the good they are right now bringing into my life. It’s difficult to enjoy something when fearing of losing it. They COULD pull me from the dark path but I’m not sure if I should trust them. I don’t want to fall. I want so badly to be part of “their world”, being disappointed would most likely kill me.

Have to go. Make something to eat. Bread with cheese or so. Hate it already.

5 Responses to “Center of your attention”

  1. > Let’s say I tell this to that psychologist.. What would he say? What could he do?

    I was going to suggest that you do tell him. Just to see what he *will* say. I think it should make for an interesting conversation if nothing else. And there’s no way he can even begin to understand you unless you tell him about stuff that you feel is important to you. Of course there are no guarantees that he will even then, but it is pretty much guaranteed he *won’t* if you keep these things from him.

    (Obviously, it’s not just like you either talk to him or not at will, building enough trust to be able to talk takes time and some luck wrt. personal chemistries. But the above applies in case you get a break in these things.)

    • I will try my best to remember to write everything down and tell him as much as I can. Even though I indeed can’t see a thing anyone could do for or against these things in my head. Nothing can change what I feel. I might get better and at times I have myself better under control, I even think I might be able to live in a relationship if I ever have such luck again, but deep inside nothing ever changes. There just has not been any other reason to live.

      I told my mom (not sober, neither of us, and in that case I can say I tried to shock her) about my thoughts and inner world when I was teenager. That I wanted to kill everyone in my school. She didn’t understand and went on defensive. Like always. They would never admit anything is even part their fault. The next day I told I’d like to hunt my food. I can’t eat pig or cow anymore, only game doesn’t make me feel sick and I think it’s more ethical food anyway, but mom as well as dad are so conservative-pacifist that they don’t get my point. Whatever.

      In matter of trying to shock someone I don’t need to trust in them, but that should not be reason for anything that has to do with getting any better. Manipulation is rooted deep and I should learn other ways to deal with people. (It doesn’t matter how much effect the manipulating ever has, might as well be it has none..) There could be a better recipe than brutal honesty, childlike happiness over “small things” like when things explode when bullets hit them and very random depth in thought shown in as addictive way as possible. I can say most of time I don’t do these intentionally (but I can’t be sure, they come by themselves so they might be unconciously intentional), my mind and single moods just change a lot and a lot depends from the situation, people in it and themes in conversation plus the common mood if it’s positive or negative. I become more intentional in negative – or ignoring – overall athmosphere. Whatever.

      This is just random shit I write down.. I’m finishing my second drink so I’m not so clear about any motives anymore. (Oh yes I am, the basic motive always is to attract peoples interest, catch them like flies (heh, as if it’d ever work) and see how they struggle when trying to determine what I am, what is real and what not, and their unbelief when they slowly realise they are just being played with – or their horror when they realise I’m not going to let them go. Cause I have always played with reality and unreality. I mix the border, I might write fiction about reality and the other way round, I lie to almost everyone I ever encounter if not more then in order to just confuse them. And drop occasional truths that hit them as they won’t wait to hear I have been so | | close to becoming this country’s first school murderer – the only thing on my way was I had no weapons!!) Just random shit..

      Small note about lying: it’s often not admitting something is true. Saying that picture was a photo manipulation, when in real it was my arm.. Saying I have never felt like what I wrote to this one story, when in real it was fiction based on my real life. Most it’s saving my family from the bloody details. But I’m moving towards becoming more honest with them. And I see where it’s leading. I notice a lot. I notice when mom looks very close at my bracelet to memorize those three letters on it to look it up on Google, I see when she is surprised I know enough of hunting weapons to be able to explain why hunting an animal is more ethical than growing it in a small cage where it’s unable to move and has to suffer a death by electroshock that doesn’t neccessarily kill it at once. But I don’t do anything. I let her find out. Maybe I just don’t care anymore. Or maybe I’m finally getting her in that point where I have the control. And when I have her it doesn’t take long to get dad as well. It’s for their own best. I can make their life worth more. Mom already said something in that direction today on the phone. They are spineless, that’s all. Therefore I have to become their back. Manana.

      (Sorry if this sounds insane. I am insane.)

  2. Even though I indeed can’t see a thing anyone could do for or against these things in my head. Nothing can change what I feel.

    The only thing I’m suggesting you talk about these things for is the possibility of you gaining more insight into yourself — definitely not for any attempt to change what you are. Deeper self-knowledge, I believe, is very seldom harmful and many times even beneficial for the person in question. Through experience I’ve come to believe that knowledge of ourselves, though originating from ourselves, often depends on another person acting as a proxy, a sort of midwife for such knowledge to be able to be born. There’s nothing new they can tell you about you, let alone tell you what or how you should be, in the end all such things must come from within yourself.

    Thanks for patiently replying to my incessant explorations. To me you don’t sound insane, but depending on semantics, maybe that’s what you want to sound like, in which case it’s not for me to deny from you.

    • Sorry, I’ve not been myself this week. Some things I’ve written about might sound like what they sound like just to get negative attention as I see I have strong tendencies to seek negative attention. That’s why it’s not good I get some. It only feeds wrong beliefs, illusions and overvaluation of being evil. O_0

      I appreciate your comments and advice, I’m just not always able to see what use they could be, so sorry if I sound like a stupid brat sometimes.

  3. No need to apologize my friend. :)

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