Every day is a fight

Liquid love

Few reasons why my life’s unbearable right now.

1. I hate food. I eat it and feel sick, but can’t throw up, and still end up eating more of it, until I sit on the bathroom floor choking in it and feeling more ill than ever in my life. Then I get up, eat some more pills and after a couple of hours continue eating more damn food, getting more and more sick of it. And this goes on endlessly.

2. Money disappears. I know where it goes but can’t stop it from flowing away. The bill for electricity is 20 euros higher than last time, which is A LOT, and after paying all bills + rent I’m left with 267 euros. From which I put 100 to 2 hi-cap mags for my P90 IF they have them in the shop. IF not, I have more left. And what is left is all I have til 22nd and whatever sudden needs arise it will HAVE TO be enough.

3. Fear. Anxiety. Fear. Constantly. And even if the day is better latest at 6pm it will begin again.

4. Stress. Family stress. Pet stress. Stress caused by the things described above. Health stress. Being stuck stress. Feel of being hated stress. Feel of being nothing stress. Hopelessness. Pain.

Guess that’s about it…

Was outside an hour ago, did some yoga for back. But it still hurts. Neck hurts. Eating hurts (haven’t though since bit more than an hour and having the cold spoon halfway in my throat). Thinking hurts. Should go to sleep to forget everything for a while, but then again I’m hunted by stressdreams about boring and stressy situations where I can’t get out of, am forced to stay and forever listen and experience the stuck up shit.

Wake up 1pm when my phone rings – to another day full of stress and pain.

Had a drink earlier this evening – AS IF IT’D HELP!! Nothing. Not even a tiny little bit of relaxation. Seems like I’m gonna steal my mom’s drugs. She has some muscle relaxants she got for her shoulder some years ago. I just ask her if I could have some to release my neck. It’s still not recovered from when I got it stuck some weeks ago. Can’t stretch it at all. Should have gone to first aid back then and got those pills for myself. It’s the same stuff though, and as mom isn’t using them… They could help me sleep better too. Have had some partially extreme sleeping disturbances lately. Can’t get rest, can’t relax. Wake up many times at night when arms or legs get numb from laying in wrong positions, then Maru wakes me between 3:40-4:20am just to get me up. I check his toilet, his food cup, maybe open the balcony door a little, and go back to bed. Usually he doesn’t need anything. Just loves to meow loud and long to get me stand up – for nothing. Maybe to get bitten. And then he makes heart-shaped poo. Ó_ò

Have been sleeping now since a week or so again with Seed. I fall asleep my hand on him. He’s cool and calming. Last night he perfectly drove anxiety away and it’s a wonderful thing he’s the last I feel before falling asleep. Threedog is a tiny little bit more of a challenge. My bed is not king-size. If I lay Threedog where Seed is now it’s not very practical. On the wall side it’s a bit better and I prefer to get a grip of him with my right hand (not everyone can be ambidextrous…), plus I can find a comfortable sleeping position where I actually hold him the right way.

Strange, eh? We are not in a war, so why sleep in a way that makes it possible to get up within seconds and straight to a shooting position? Well, it’s damn comfortable. :)

And the best alarm clock is a “meow”. It gets me in standing position within a few seconds. Some people claim it’s impossible to stand up straight, the way people in movies do when they have nightmares. It is. All that’s needed is a demanding four-legged furball. They can put so much threat in that one single sound. Sometimes I don’t hear my alarm clock, but a meow cannot be overheard. Hmm, and I have tried to teach myself to be prepared to “certain situations”, for example if it happens someone was there to threaten me in real. It’s just kind of “training”… And it’s useful mental training as when you wake up you’re not aware of the situation around you, there could be just anything. Also when I wake up and stand up at night I have to become aware of what’s going on very fast. There’s no time to stand around and ask stupid questions (as if for example you’re on battlefield and the alarm goes on, you have to be ready for action immediately). So, only seconds to become mentally aware of what to do. And that every night. Around 4am. Every freaking night. Well, tonight Maru’s not at home, I can sleep in peace. ^^

But I still keep Seed and Threedog furthest an armlength away. Always. Like, they are protecting my sanity in a way I cannot describe. Also in sleeping room they are easy to hide when I get surprise guests: just lay them on my bed and throw a blanket over them. As far as I see the need to hide them. Usually I don’t. Two reasons: to scare people who have “something to hide”*, “bad intentions” or are “too weak to be seen as equals”, and to show content people I’m strong too. :) Don’t know if it works though…

I go to sleep. Good night.

* = people who get scared USUALLY have something to hide. There’s a logic in this thing but I’m a bit too tired to explain all. But if I get scared of something I usually have something to hide in that case, so I think it could be the same with others too.

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