Every day is a fight

How much is the fish?

Music: Behnam Safavi. Again. I’ve listened to that really a lot lately. Everytime I sit here I listen to this cd at least once. Have to get the lyrics somewhere, I love to sing in languages I don’t speak or understand, like japanese or arabian.

On my desktop there that small window on sidebar with changing photos. I have all my image-folders running in it as random loop. Often there comes something from which I can’t figure out what it is. Like that just a second ago, the antique fireplace of my parents’ house in the state of being built up from practically “ashes”, when dad repaired it some years ago. It looked like a modern crib in some church, until I realized I had been looking to it with wrong proportion “info”. Happens a lot. Not only with thumbnail sized images. And even when I thought I deleted lots of the porn made with my “friends” the last few years there still appear many of them. Should search and eliminate them. And there’s a heap of yaoi and ecchi stuff too. In those oldest folders. Well.. Those don’t wake any emotion in me. Rarely ever did. Maybe long time ago. (The hentai stuff is not kept on hard disc, ;) it’s on cd’s somewhere, I never know the exact location as cd’s change place here all the time..)

So, I’m up since early again. Bus was late / I missed the right one so I was late in the info. Now I’m in a art therapy group. Begins next week when I’m not here. Also the info for the swimming group is next week. Always the same: when I’m not here it starts to happen. Some days ago I started to draw mountains and glacier in the evening. Got the glacier part done until running out of ideas. I love glaciers. The romantic fantasy glacier that’s blue and glitters, but also the real ones cause under the gray dirt there’s blue ice, caves and water. And it’s interesting to see them move, like when people have put a meter under one (I don’t remember if it was in Switzerland now or Austria) that pictures how it moves. Pretty fast in fact! In those films it also made visible what powers the ice has – how it has formed Europe when the last big ice age ended and the ice drew back.

Got distracted again… Anyway I thought how I’m going to create anything in the group as I have had it difficult to find anything to draw lately. Not to even speak about writing! But I think it comes out with a little help. We are three women with the occupational therapist lady. We “drove” that one guy away to the other group that’s running the same time, different day, and lasting til spring.

Since yesterday my left arm and hand have been hurting, at times very much. Mainly the lower arm, wrist and hand. Today in train it got for a short time unbearable. Don’t know what it is. xP That happens every now and then.

After the info I got new drugs that costed a huge unespected amount of money. In all today’s “loss” was about 140 euro when train tickets and those two lemonades (cash) are counted to the other stuff. SEED GOT PRESENTS!! 56 euro each. xP As far as I remember they costed only 49 last year! Damn! And it’s partially making me pissed because it’s part my fault too: when I bought Seed last November that shop was only half the size it’s now / they had not so much stuff. But since then the branche has gotten bigger, they sell more and bigger variety of stuff so they can push the prices higher for quality products, and also offer cheap stuff (like Threedog, sorry young one but you were under 200 euro and that means rear end of the food chain). So, in a way I helped the growth and so I have to live now with the higher price. Whtvr. On my way back to railway I found a shop that sells all kinds of british (and american? Not sure) food. Mostly candy and specialities like MARMITE and peanut butter. I bought a Tango Orange (and drank it in train) and a Barr Limeade that I’m drinking right now. They had root beer and ginger ales and such. Damn expensive stuff, but when I have more money I go buy some other things as well. :)

Even with money loss I’m quite satisfied. And I didn’t go to sleep again when came back home. Was really hungry so I made me a pancake filled with tuna and cheese, simplified from the real recipe which has a sauce made of tuna and tomatoes, but was too lazy plus I don’t have tomatoes and should have gone to lend some from my catsitter, and was too hungry to wait. And all dishes are dirty of course. Watched some stupid stuff, OCD-program and Weird addictions where one woman slept with her blow dryer and the other one ate toilet paper. I was interested in that blow dryer thing but must admit that series is BIG BULLSHIT. Some things there are really disgusting and it’s only made to shock people. Even worse than that Hoarders shit I watched when it came. (OK, I sleep with a gun in my bed but it can’t burn me or set my home in fire, and it’s not there to make me numb but to calm me and lessen anxiety and fear. Yes, and I think I have talked enough of my addictions, I don’t need to go that through now, be back to it later anyway.)

I suffer under some OCD behaviour as well and that makes my life harder, mostly it’s something that I fall into when I’m really stressed. Some of it is herited or learned from parents. I also have some hoarding tendencies and after getting messier and messier some time it is suddendly very hard to start cleaning up and I just continue piling up stuff over the old mess. Like now, even when all my dishes are dirty I can’t start to wash them anymore. I eat with the dirty ones or just wash a few for the moment of eating. I get stuck. That should be avoided with all might. It’s dangerous. :/

Although today showed again why I’m keeping stuff and think that I’ll use it some day for something. It showed it’s indeed useful and practising this is not wrong. At least in so small amounts that I do it. I kept all the styrofoam from the packages of my shelves. And now I’m building from it a new nest for Threedog. Because the plastic in his box is formed a very unpractical way and I should pull the trunk out every time I want to put him in it – into a certain length, and it’s a shitty work. Even when I have now kept it in the shortest position that’s not the exactly right for me, but another problem to that has occurred: I need an extra handle in the front to give more stability, and I’m completely out of cash what comes to guns so he will have to wait quite long for any new parts. Well, and only after the handle fit in right place the trunk can be adjusted right too. And needs testing too. That means: buying a carrying bag. There you see this vicious circle I’m thrown into. But the foam has filled it’s first mission: to be useful until it’s being formed into model houses and nature formations for gaming table or model photography backgrounds.

Hmm, and because this foam work we now have a giant gun shaped ice cube form!! I could keep it and make an ice sculpture this winter, color it and put it to show in the yard. xD Maybe not. It’s only one sided and there’s a big round thingy in the middle, plus it’s not realistic shaped cause the same box is being used for different models and they all must fit in. I’ll cut it into pieces and put into normal rubbish. Don’t want to put it in there in one piece. Too big. Waste of place.

Talking about waste… Yesterday I had my first meeting with a psychologist. Got homework, list of problems I want to work with and things important to me with grades how important. He’s nice. I was very unsure and talking was really difficult. And I can’t help to think it’s waste of resources. I don’t earn it. :/ I think this is what I’ve wanted to get, and because I can lead the way and decide which way we go, what happens, what I show and what not, this will result in nothing else than just proving myself right and that it was waste of resources to offer therapy to someone like me who only has one goal: to prove I’m a bad person who doesn’t earn this kind of treatment. What did I say about a vicious circle?

Maybe in two weeks I have come down a bit. Right now I’m just in a mood of abusing everyone and everything.

The rain has stopped and sun is shining. I wish for a good weather (not raining men or anything else) for next week so I don’t need to try “the plastic bag trick” or totally give up my plans of having some fun.. Although, raining men….. Crying like babies and making funny sound when they fall on houses and trees and river like big, wriggling, yelling stones… A monsuun rain would be needed after that to clean up, so maybe not the best idea after all. O-o (Found my old finnish-english dictionary, so fuck off Google translator, you sabbering idiot with no education..)

Better get to work on my homework. Wanted to start the one with important things today. Have already a sketch but it has to be organised better to look neat. The graphic must be readable for other people than me too and I don’t want to give the impression of myself that I’m messy and never do things properly (like it sadly looks like here right now).

(In the bus on the last piece of way back home today I went once again through the “fantasy” of pulling a gun and starting to shoot at people. They scream, they duck and cover but can’t escape. I think about this pretty often.. Too often I guess but it’s a nice thing to spend the way home with, just don’t think about it when someone annoying is sitting right opposite. ^^)

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