Every day is a fight

I need a place to hide

19.9.2011 Place to hide. I need one. I dream about such every now and then, lately several times. It’s a large room in an abandoned building, maybe school or factory. Dusty, full of dirt, old cloth or curtain on the wall or at the windows. It’s dark, windows are dirty, it’s smelling like an old, dusty house or barn. No sound can reach it, no sound can get out. I’m there alone at night, I go there alone without fear because I know me and my secrets are safe there.

Feeling of sadness, loss. In those dreams I have lost that place or something is preventing me of going there on regular basis as I used to before. I visit those places in daytime, often with my sister, and feel great anxiety, as if all my secrets would have been exposed.

The place has been mine for a long time. I have been going there very often, usually late in the evening or at night. Often it’s a bigger building site with many abandoned houses, some of them being used by other people to their activities. They are groups, but they don’t cross my way.

Maybe I dream of them because I have the feeling of having no safe place on earth. No real home where my secrets were safe. Last night the violent fantasies kept me awake long. I could not stop thinking about them. About what could happen IN REAL. Those plans. I could not let go of that urge to kill. I lived the murder again and again until it really happened. Means until I fell asleep to dream about that place to hide. Every time I go into such house (in my dreams) my mind is filled with memories of hours spent there, of dreams, of thoughts, of plans. Those houses are soaked with violence fantasies. I have kept my knives there, cleaned the blood off them there, stored any items too hot to keep in my apartment. There’s a special feeling that connects me to those houses. Something nostalgic – I’ve felt nostalgic a lot lately – but in a way that you others would not want to feel. It’s great anxiety, extreme loneliness. But mixed with feeling safe.

20.9.2011 Better now. I’m better. I’m no danger to anyone right now. I’ve kept myself under control, I’ve done fine, except my eating disorder is going out of control, it’s getting worse all the time. Today was a better day, yesterday not. Today I’ve eaten a WHOLE liver casserole, some 150g of cold smoked salmon, some 100g cottage cheese, a lots of drinks, with and without alcohol, too. I tried some pancake but didn’t get it swallowed.

Have been thinking now. Maybe I dream so often about a safe place cause I recently lost mine. I felt my safe place was in my best friend’s apartment. But he’s no longer my best friend. He lost that post cause insulting and being disrespectful towards Ari. I no longer feel safe or too comfortable in his place. I don’t have so much contact with him either.

And every time I’m going somewhere with train I drive by that abandoned factory site in Kera, close to Kauniainen. As far as my memory says now it’s beside the factory called Algol. (There’s a algae killing product for aquariums of that name, don’t know if there’s a connection.) I’ve been wondering a lot what that empty place is, and lately if I could somehow get access to it. Last time seeing it I thought it’d be a great place for urban war simulations in airsoft or paintball. It’s quite large and has as well closed as open areas. Now I think if I could find a place similar to it where to spend time at night. I’d even be ready to share it with someone. Even with a group. If I can have my own area in it, closed and securable.

I’m not safe in my apartment. Never been, all other feeling is an illusion created by the safety door and having personal around for 12 hours each day. Besides the fact that the floor is almost indestructible and it’s easy to wash off any dirt (blood i.e.) it’s not even very practical. The walls are easily damaged as can bee seen done by the previous person living here – the filling in those holes he made into the walls shines through the white paint, and some smaller damage has not been repaired at all. Well, he must have cut the plastic carpet too, although it’s very thick and good fastened. But, all these “good points” in living here are actual disadvantages. I should rly ask someday how easy it is to get evicted (that the right word?). Somehow, I wish they’s throw me out. Y’know, that thing with the negative attention again. That was what I was talking about when I mentioned that “being up to something” in last post. Santa Muerte. Remember that name? Today I’ve been too sick and tired to even feel a lot. My body hurts more than my soul. I watched 4 films in 2 days to get something else to think about. Didn’t rly work, but doesn’t matter anymore. I’m not going anywhere right now.

That feeling safe… It’s a strange thing how it’s built up. I can feel safe when I’m with certain people, even when it happens online. But right now my “closest circle” has tightened up to only those 4 closest, and anyone coming nearer than 10 meters is stepping on my toes. I avoid people for a good reason, I tend to tell this to myself. To somehow fool even myself. I don’t need to do that! I don’t need to look away. I will HAVE TO go through these things someday. And the longer I keep them to myself the higher the price I will have to pay for facing them later. Talking about years. In prison. That’s a fact that should not be hidden. I can fool myself about how caring I am when I’m actually just manipulating other people, but I shouldn’t do so about the existing intent of hurting people, and the need, the urge, to kill. It’s too strong. I must admit I can’t control it alone.

This is… Y’know, like a drug addiction. I tend to replace one addiction with another, sometimes they are harmless, most times not. My guts are crying for ecstasy. For years already. I know if I have a chance to get it I’m _gone_ with it. I have been doing alcohol and med abuse to replace that addiction with at least something. Doesn’t work. But that’s not the big problem here. It’s bloodlust. And one arm of that is this so called “gun addiction”. Every step I take on that path is a step deeper. It’s extremely strong. I replace firearms with BB-guns, cause that’s safe – for now. I don’t know how long it’s going to be OK like this. Cause this is not a way to treat the addiction, it’s just, like, Subutex for heroin addicts. :/

My hunger is not sated with just having those guns and using them as they are when bought. I need better ones, more powerful batteries… All depending on my budget – right now it’s extremely low so I’m not doing anything anymore in a while. Plus it’s getting cold and AEG’s don’t like it cold. For Ari it doesn’t matter, and I’m saving every can I drink empty. But the point is this addiction will not disappear. It will get worse with the time. I might be able to keep the “situation” under control and I “should” not have any chances to ever get my hands on real firearms. Hope so, for your own sake. ;)

You know what I do every day? At least ten f*cking times I’m holding one of my guns, mostly everyone of them every day. I sleep with one maximum an armlength away, sometimes in a (very comfortable) position which allows me to get into shooting position within seconds after waking up. And I’m fast to wake up. When I’m shopping food I’m keeping myself far from the magazine shelf. Not rly working right now… I don’t even need a whole photo, a fragment of a model name is enough to give the fix and adrenaline boost for the moment. It’s OK to buy the (not-my-budget O_o) airsoft magazine every month if I give up some icecream and chocolate for those 8,20 euros, but it’s not that what’s the real problem. Just a fragment of something most of you there wouldn’t even recognise and I’m gone. I suffer a complete blackout. Y’know what happened a few days ago when I was watching those F-15’s on Youtube? A blackout. And I sit there and think WTH?? (I’ll build a post around them later, have gathered something to say..) So, it doesn’t need to be a gun barrel anymore, what? It felt like my life came to a stop. And then I went to bed to dream once again from a safe place to hide.

21.9.2011 (00:28) Know what? I don’t really regret not trying to actively seek friends. It might look like that sometimes when I’m selfpitying myself. I’m just protecting myself when turning down other people. It doesn’t take much effort of either my heart or sense of society’s rules (I just don’t give a shit) to write this all here. I think this can throughoutly hurt or threaten some people, some might want to turn away in disgust or whatever they’re fooling themselves with, but my heart says nothing. And I really don’t care what other people feel. I DO care what they THINK, but there’s very little I can do for or against that.

Just, lately if my heart says something it’s just beating faster to keep up with the bullets (real or just pixels), or slow down before falling asleep with my hand holding Seed. No other emotion. Except I cried today cause of those Miyazaki films. I bet tomorrow I’ll have absolutely no f*cking idea about anything that happened today. Just like any blackout, but at least I finished finally those vids with MW2 and can move to MW3.

P.S. Thought a second about what would I ask for reward for doing something important, like confessing over 30 murders done in name of Santa Muerte all over Europe… I thought about a really insane version of “a princess and half of the country” – all US and NATO troops and special forces under my command & half of Europe. ^^; I’m almost as small as Napoleon was! But not as stupid. Well, actually I’d take the WHOLE Europe, half of it would be my country and the rest a special economic zone built with a sense for social Utopia but in liberal economic manner.

P.P.S. Heh. xD Sry, that’s just so funny thought…

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