Every day is a fight

Keep talking

It’s getting worse. Must avoid being out when it’s dark. Succesful in that this week, but have the increasing need to go out. Some days I don’t even open the balcony door after dark. Should concentrate on internet today. Had to quit watching Criminal minds in the middle today, it got me too involved. Have had that problem since last week, but it’s under control.

Also thought about drawing again. Just drawing what’s in my head. Had an idea for.. Um… Actually it’s much like an execution, people in row with hands bound behind their backs and facing ground, waiting for their death. It’s not maybe what I wanted. Too official.. Must work on the idea. They should be blindfolded anyway, maybe some already dead?

When out today I was mostly thoughtless. Nervous when I met my therapist and heard he only has time for 6 visits before moving away to his new work (why always me?? My nurse moved away and I got a new one I’ve only met once, my doctor moved out to finish her study..) and at all because he’s a new person I have to get along with. Seems OK though. A little unsharp at times. He took copies of those homeworks I had made and gave me a couple of new. I should learn a way to relax and observe what I feel, and write that down every day, and keep a scale of aggressivity, and also observe what causes the changes. I know that will help, but there’s also the problem that I don’t want to change. I have to do this if I’m going to survive in this society. :/ Because if this gets any worse I’ll be in big trouble. BIG. TROUBLE.

So, drawing, exercises, relaxation. Hope the skin irritation I got from chlor in swimming hall on Tuesday will go away til next Tuesday. I’d love to continue to do “water running” (caused Google Translator to freeze, yay!) twice a week. BBL.

8.10. It’s a PERFECT EVENING!!! It’s cold, dark, smells good, energy fills the air. I want to go in there. Not to the yard, too many lights. To the path into the forest, walk there, watch people, breathe, summon the energy, summon the devil.

Umm, I was getting the rest of my laundry from drying room. Didn’t count on that it got dark while waiting for them to dry. Wanted to stay out there but have to forbid it from myself. I don’t have full control, barely even half. Extreme anxiety at times, lots of variety in moods and changes are fast. Watched the rest of that part of Criminal minds BEFORE going out.

Watching that hurt. It was the one called something like “Safe place”, with that 13-year-old killer. Watching that hurt. Bad. Maybe because it’s kind of looking into a mirror. I remember what I felt and th0ught when I was teenager. It still hurts when I think of it. Maybe part of it is righteous pain for abandoned children. Part of it is regret – of wasting my life instead of engaging in action from early on. Part of it is fear – of losing what is important to me now by following this path. Part of it is excitement, part is what the demon is whispering into my ear. I would get attention, people would look up to me, nobody would ever hurt me again. I would get my revenge on those who have. Maybe… Maybe I would even get my revenge on my parents.

I don’t have any reason punishing them. Really. I had a happy childhood, very protected, I was never left alone. That all becomes meaningless when you lay in your bed in the dark of the night, listening to them yell at each other in living room and the sound of glasses breaking. Seeing them how they are now, uptight assholes living in an illusion of not being guilty of anything, believing in their own lie of not being in charge of their own lives and things “just going wrong”, or simply being MY GODDAMN FAULT.

I’m already breaking their illusion. Little by little I infiltrate their way to think with details maybe too small to notice at first, but which confuse them enough to get uncomfortable during longer period of time. Some things I say, some things I know, ways to say things, ways to act. Beneath all their lies they are just two broken, old people with no future view. How’s that? How does it feel to have no future? It’s GREAT, isn’t it????

No there’s no reason punishing them. What would I win in that situation? Absolutely nothing. Everybody would just hate me. But maybe that’s exactly what I want. People to stop acting and just hate me. Maybe that’s why I write all this crazy shit here. Just stop pulling that stupid show and forcing me to play your sick game.

(It’s not only my parents. It’s my siblings too. They don’t earn it, but I have already pulled myself apart from them. We are no longer a family.)

Last night I dreamt of great anxiety connected to something at home. Here, where I should feel safe. Well, I still don’t feel safe here. Nothing has changed. My safe place was taken from me and there has not been anything that could replace it. In a way I see safety only in “things”, like a gun or a knife. I found one knife in an online shop that looks SO COOL, I’m gonna buy it if they still have some left when I get more money. Sorry, not meant to be a threat (right now), but I just MUST HAVE ONE. I have felt like this for long now. Many years. I want a personal one that also reflects my personality and aids me when I’m outside. It just sucks to be somewhere and have to open a plastic package with teeth or nails and failing cause they are not sharp enough. Plus it’s protection. I don’t want a beeping device that wakes the death. I want something that REALLY makes the (potential) attacker back up, or get lost, or easily silenced if nothing else helps.

And on the bottom of all it’s not about how to protect yourself best – it’s my way of life and the image I want to give of myself. I’m not helpless and don’t want to look like that either. If I have nothing to help myself with I easily freeze when being threatened. If I already feel unsure. So I don’t want to get that feeling at all. I should always be sure of myself, confident enough to avoid bad situations and brave enough to face them if I have to. Showing fear is never good.

And now to something completely different. There are so many different ways to smile. But still it seems like even when smiling I don’t attract much positivity. Maybe it looks fake. Yes, might be, as mostly it also IS fake.

In school I was always picked as last person to a team in sports, or I was the last one left without a partner in projects. Others even made team of three people to avoid getting me as their partner. You know what that feels like? Well, not nice. Not nice at all. And now I have noticed wherever I go, whatever group I take part in, I’m the last one when asked “how was your day?”, if I comment on something on a blog the whole discussion ends in my comment, people start avoiding to comment where I comment, they team up as three person pair to avoid getting me as their partner, they don’t continue the conversation if I say something about the topic, they turn their back to me or just walk away when I’m waiting for advice… HOW?? WHY?? How comes they still act the same way? Totally random people!

I know I have a bad aura. But animals like me, so why don’t people? There are people who don’t (as far as I have noticed) see the aura, and come close and talk to me because of that. And the rest is just mostly ignoring me or taking care they don’t need to be near me or talk to me. When talking to professionals I sometimes get them on their toes. I don’t really even try to. They get cautious and a little bit confused and want to change topic really quick.

Talking to people I try to be brave and.. Umm, friendly, as far as I can do that at all. When I was young I was always told I wasn’t looking into the eyes of the other person, so I learned to do that. Now I do, I keep my eyes open and look into the eyes (“lock someones gaze” to prevent them turning away or changing topic unless I give permission), I try to speak louder, not too loud but so that people understand what I say, with clear voice, I try to be friendly and sound sincere (although I might be telling just lies). Maybe I’m doing that too eagerly? But at least I try, I do my best to act social. My social skills are poor, maybe I insult people without knowing it? Or say something strange? Or they just get confused because most of the time I show absolutely no emotion and my voice is flat, and then when I show emotion it looks like “too much”?

But, why should I show emotion when I feel nothing? I guess people very well see it when I feel. My eyes look different and I might start biting my teeth together. I don’t know what’s the reason for them avoiding me. To be honest I’m not so big fan of isolation, it’s just all I have. :/

To keep talking is one good way to keep my mind together. To focus on something else than “what is the best and bloodiest way to commit a murder and not get caught”.

Well I talked a bit to my neighbour again today, we found one more hobby in common. He’s slow in head, like about everybody here, and he doesn’t avoid me. I must say I don’t really like him. He’s that type of person I don’t want to have anything to do with normally, but we will see each other here often. I don’t really like anyone here. There’s one guy, or two, who are OK. But I get really fast pissed if someone’s really slow. I have difficulties of understanding what people say, it’s the language, and their intonation. When I read something aloud my voice is flat, when I talk my voice is often flat and I cannot transfer the feeling into sound. Whtvr.

Maru woke up.

Got myself focused on other things. Talking filled it’s purpose. Going to Youtube watching something nice, haven’t been there in a while watching, only uploading new stuff. Bye.

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