Every day is a fight

We can rise above them all

Three cups of sort-of-coffee, in a row. One after another. Within 4 hours though. Got a release of stress, pretty nice. Still my mind is completely mixed up. That “thing with Ari” hit me again last night when going to bed. Not the stuff I talked yesterday. This is different and a lot stronger.

Although it DID begin in those old times when I “played” with The One I Call Oni.

Oni gave me a certain, very special feeling. I love that feeling. It’s an extremely high level of excitement mixed with peace and deep satisfaction, it gives me a glimpse of all the possibilities I have and it’s the primary connection to the feeling of being really ABLE to kill someone. It kicked in when I was laying into bed and had Oni lay beside my pillow, I saw it but didn’t touch it, and when I touched it it’s power merged with me and we became ONE.

Now some time ago Ari started to give me almost exactly the same feeling. In the same situation. It kicks in pretty regularly. It’s been disturbing my nights now the last couple of days. I sleep very restlessly, mostly with Ari under my pillow, beside it, or touching my face (cooling, calming), or holding it in one hand. Weather effect is also still strong even when I’m mostly very tired. But it’s enough to just smell the dark air at night.

This thing has made the bond between me and Ari stronger. But: last night a horrifying thing crossed my mind. Rehab. What if some time in future my addiction grows too strong for anyone to control, and I have to give up my family and strictly avoid any contact with any weapons? I would not do that. No. Impossible. It would break my heart. ;__;

But I just can’t help that the incredibly strong lust to kill is taking over me sometimes. BTW, I did not cut myself last night. Happy I didn’t. I make progress in that. Just… Every time I have seen someone walking outside from my window today I have thought about stabbing or shooting them. I try to escape to cyberspace, sit here the whole freaking day and get more and more desparate every minute. Youtube is driving me nuts cause I can’t watch any fucking thing there, Facebook is making me cook up inside like I’d swallowed molten aluminium, can’t concentrate on TV, take care of Maru like a robot and seriously think about lying to my doctor tomorrow. Yes, I will definitely do that. But just about the relaxation training. I have absolutely NO motivation for it atm, then I don’t remember to do it or am just too ignorant. I did promise to try and benefit about the therapy, I tried to be honest but can’t help being a dishonest asshole when it’s about things I don’t WANT to get rid of.

My life will get way worse if I don’t try to get better. I’m fighting but the dark side is too strong. What should I do when the last feeling in every fight is that I want to give up to it? It’s a drug that just feels way too good.

I know myself good enough to say I can go from 0 to 200 within seconds. I’m often extremely impulsive in things I do. Simply walking in the city I might make a swerve into some place that’s not on my planned route with thinking about it only a hundreth of a second. In a shop I might make a buying decision in a second, even when I have been long time good in controlling my budget. In getting pissed it goes the same way. Even when being calm and content things might change really fast. There are so many unconscious things that trigger the aggressivity, I’m not in control of them.

And it’s a constant temptation to carry a knife and let those feelings take over. That temptation right now is around 200%. Even when I’m tired I don’t want to go to bed – I want to GO OUT TO DO SOMETHING. I want action, not isolation. I want to see and feel the blood, I want to feel the energy and adrenaline flow.

You know, when I was kid I sometimes stole stuff from shops. It gave a strong adrenaline rush. Even in that time I had this thing with the dark and cool evenings. It was just exciting, and since the gun addiction started to grow that excitement got even nicer. Such a great feeling. Awww, there are SO MANY things that are 1000 times better than some boring sex!! :D

But you know, I could never keep quiet about what I’d done. I’d blog about it in every single one of my blogs, with photos or drawings included, and brag about it to anyone I know. xD After coming home and wiping the blood of my blade I’d update my Facebook status to something like “First kill!! Feels like HEAVEN!!!1” or similar, and be constantly smiling the whole next week until the feeling slowly fades and I get to planning my second. Hey, I’m already smiling like a lunatic when writing this! xD

Too much coffee + adrenaline + being tired + the feeling Ari gave me last night = sick stuff. And I’m getting hungry again.. Not only for body nourishment, also the bloodthirst is growing steadily. Have about nothing to eat anymore, just liver sausage & dry bread and that’s not really what I’d like to have right now. I want a pizza! With salami and lots of cheese, and then some blood sprinkles on my face. xD

Gotta stop this before my head explodes. BBW.

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