Every day is a fight

Bi toe emshab (second try)

(That’s a song by Behnam Safavi.)

(Second try because I had written a long and energy drink -fuelled post about all possible things mainly relationship and interior design related – and then Maru FUCKING MANAGED TO DELETE THE WHOLE SHIT. I’m angry, but tired angry. Can’t change it anyway so it’s no use to yell at him. It would have been saved but he managed to close me out (logged out of account with keyboard-locker on so couldn’t give in my password to log back in) and I had to restart the whole thing. DAMN. SHIT.)

Had here some rants too, but I’m really too tired now to give them a new start. It goes away and what doesn’t comes again some other day, so I’m just going into the design stuff. As far as I even want to. Just keep reading and look what comes.

I have many ideas for stuff here. Let’s start with the curtains that give (from my point of view) the basic for the rest of the rooms colours. I have small dark chocolate brown ones with brownish beige reed pattern. They are too short, need some extra with thick brownish beige, no pattern. Then I have seen in a shop a nice fabric broad curtains in almost the same shade of brownish beige. They’d cost about 40 euro alltogether. Only need two because they’re so broad. So I have four of the small ones, two broad ones.

That gives the living room a basic of very natural colours that should not be paired with too hard or too chaotic coloured patterns. Most of my furniture is black or white and will stay that way, I also want a black and white pattern fabric for my chairs and from the same one maybe two pillows for the yet non-existing sofa. One Ikea-pillow I already have. Sleeping corner will get a different style. I have two reddish brown stained benches that need some refreshing and repair. Maybe the coming summer… I also want to tune my TV-table that I got for free. It’s pretty demolished and needs some loving hand. I’ll paint it the same shade than my benches and also stain my flower stand with the same colour to create a more complete atmosphere. I have some good plants, but unfortunately seems like my dumb cane has died completely. I’ll wait for a bit longer if it recovers or the scions make roots, otherwise I will have to replace it. It’s a very nice looking plant. And my big carpet (organically grown cotton) has the colours black, grey, beige, brown and a little bit of red and warm yellow.

So, if I bring here some permanent colours they will propably be something like red/yellow/orange. Most likely there’ll be no permanent ones, only seasonal colouring. I won’t propably buy a black sofa. Even when it’s quite a temptation as it just looks so sleek and cool. I don’t want beige, so propably natural white/cream. It can be highlighted with a blanket, and those said pillows.

I need a cupboard for my good dishes and I will go look for one in second hand shops when I have money again (spared for that purpose, that is). It’s easy to tune it to be what I want. I don’t see any obstacles between myself and the ready product. I’m like a child. If I can visualise something I can build it. Note: my visualised objects are very detailed, every second of the work, every carving, every sanding, measurements, painting and stuff is all included and the process can be followed from beginning to end in my head. It’s like AutoCAD or some other technical 3D-modelling program. I don’t doubt that I couldn’t build something just because I have not “learned” that. I can figure it out. Wood is easy to work with. Small constructions are same than big ones – look at the ceiling of an official building, how it’s supported by steel bars. You can’t build a table by sticking together just four legs and a square plate. It will be very unstable and likely to fall together any moment. Nobody taught me this, but I look around me, I observe, watch programs in TV where people build stuff, listen to when people talk about their work projects and watch the pics my ex sends me about his current projects aboard. Like the one with a ceiling made of a thermoplast of the same source than teflon, I’m sorry I forgot how it was called, with a little search it’d be found in Wikipedia but I don’t want to do that now. Also used in autoclave technic. I’ve used an autoclave. Very easy, simple way to clean stuff thoroughly and fast.

Well, one thing I have a little obsession with is asian antique furniture, but as the originals or even re-pro costs thousands and is out of my reach I figured I can tune cheap stuff to look-a-likes. Add paint, carving, wooden deco… Wood is easy. Even when soft wood is not the best choice if it should last in changing temperatures. In an apartment block where the temperature stays about the same the whole year round it’s not that big trouble, but bring it into a house – a wooden house has a completely different “weather” than a stone house, different countries have varying circumstances. There’s a reason why they used so good hard wood in the old times, especially in hot and moist countries. Still, wood is easy. All it needs is good, controlled handwork. And a plan.

In sleeping room I’m going to have different style. My wooden chest that has a nice golden colour, rich and strong. Outstanding piece of art. Made by my grandfather, as the benches too. I look up to him (to the heaven), his work is a great inspiration for me and the main reason why I want to study to become wood artisan. He has used some simple patterns, but every single cut is made with such precision, admirable. The benches have suffered so much I will have to do something about them. But sleeping corner should be a place with rich colours, something inspirational that makes waking up worth it. I’d love to make it my “Bollywood”-corner. Have some Bollywood style pillows and some India-deco, a hippie-blanket and some similar strong coloured stuff. That’s about the colours, the rest will stay as it is now, modern and simple. For inspiration game and gun posters. Lots of white walls to fill there. Hate white walls in sleeping room. Also I should slowly fill the shelf there to get some place in the living room shelf to put some dishes in it to get some of the boxes out of here. 11 boxes. I feel like drowning in them, still.

Without the energy drink earlier I’d be in bed by now. Time has passed, I just ate one more time spaghetti bolognese, it’s 9:23pm. Guess I’ll shut Internet Explorer on and go watch some vids. Have to update my Amazon account too. I was earlier annoyed by something I read in Facebook (yes I have returned to the root of all evil, just because of the “ads” of my interests) that someone posted, and inside the annoying thing I found something that actually made me intrigued. Gah, not again feeling guilty because of this politics shit! I already did move from red/green to economic/liberal, but I’m still mostly red/green in what I do (CHOICES in shopping for example), and when I made last time a check for which party I should vote (before the last vote in which I then didn’t take part partly because of the results I got) I got the totally wrong party – with exactly my opinions in most questions. SHIT. PIG SHIT. This country has not a party which I’d like to vote, and I’m perfectionist, if someone stands for something I dislike/don’t want to happen/is against my morals I just CAN’T vote them. And all of them fit into that description.

OK to make this a tiny bit interesting I’ll post the link to the article that got me pissed (it’s in finnish), and point out what part made me feel strangely guilty of being myself.

Here you are. It’s about the question when did a finnish politician leave her application to become a member in a neonazi organisation. She lied about the time, and her boss lied too, and people are guessing which one lied, he, she, both. The applications and stuff were leaked as a result of a hack to their website. But my point.

2.11.2011 03:05 Joni Pelkonen

Ei ole nettipila, sillä ainakin yksi hakijalistasta löytyvä nimi sai tuomion toissakesäisestä hyökkäyksestä Helsinkin Pride-kulkueeseen. löytyy kyllä tietoa heidän toiminnastaan, se on varsin järjestäytynyttä, mm. taistelukoulutusleirejä ja seminaareja.

A quote of the comments where the writer of the article comments about the work of the said organisation, and that it is not a too long pulled internet prank. There’s one word that caught my attention. You know propably already what it is if you have been reading this blog.

[NOTE: I’m not as aggressive of a person as it sometimes comes over. Right now I’m in a serious deep depression and have no power to harm anyone or even think about it, and I’m in treatment to reduce aggressivity and the cooking hate against all humankind + the strong need to hurt other people by all means. I’m no right wing person and don’t want to become one. What I’m interested in is plain personal development and readiness in all life situations. A strong mind and controlled feelings are the base for success and those are what I want to work on. I’m not into any kind of ideological bullshit – at least as long as it has nothing to do with the warp cursed greenskins that should be erased and that is a work to be done by Emperor’s Angels, especially The Sons of Sanguinius. ;)]


Oh. Yes. That word means battle education camps. :D

No, it’s more sad that this type of recreational activity is controlled by the right wing assholes. Cause, if you show your face there and give them your name you can pretty much say goodbye to all your other social contacts, better more move out of country and change your name. Now compare this to my biological family: all left wing, pacifist, always giving me advice in sparing money and living green and what is right and what not, taking part in all possible demonstrations for “good causes”.


This is what I call “complicated”. So I’m going to meet them all next weekend. My dad and propably also sister will come to visit me on 13th. I will have all cleaned up, all hidden what they shouldn’t see. But that’s not what I want. I don’t want to hide anymore, have secrets, pretend… I thought I had left all that behind! I have infiltrated mom and dad a little with thoughts and “facts” that they propably don’t expect me to know. Til now they have not really reacted, although mom showed she was not very pleased, but she did nothing. She checked pretty close my favourite bracelet (I posted photo long time ago) I was wearing then, that reads the letters P90, but I don’t think she has done anything (like googling it) about it. Or if she did she didn’t think the result she got was the right one. Whatever. Phew.

I feel very much to have put under pressure by them. I used to fight a lot with mom, but lately I just keep distance. My sister fights with her, I pull myself away of all of them. I don’t talk about my stuff, my hobbies or stuff I like, I don’t neccessarily even start any conversations. I protect myself and my new family by keeping distant.

After having long time horrible nightmares I have returned to the normal – dreaming about Seed and Seed’s friends ;) and some strange stuff I don’t remember. Futuristic. There was something I haven’t dreamt about in a really long time, but don’t remember it anymore. Yeah, and shooting a machine gun cause of the vid I watched yesterday. I’m glad those nightmares stopped, or got milder. Instead of constant torture and rape there’s only occasional rape. Not of me, of mostly children or young girls. There’s blood, hate, fear, sadness and more fear. Well those have been my feelings the last few weeks. After the extreme aggressive period I fell into deep depression and am just slowly rising again due to doubled dose of antidepressiva. Less stress.

Stop this now. This is long enough. I get back to the relationship stuff later. I’m getting too sad to talk about it now. :/

P.S. The song title means Without you tonight and that was a strong theme in the original deleted post, that means I’ll return with a post with the same topic later when I have collected myself.

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