Every day is a fight

Longing & envy

I’m too tired and sick now to care ’bout any stupid politics. ;) Just short, be back on weekend with something better.

My long time dream might come true if I keep reaching for it and fighting the demon in me.

Today’s food: baked cheese, few spoonfuls of potatoe with butter and tuna, very few; and the main meal, some sour cream dessert and protein shake.

Slept most of the day and had strange but interesting/comforting dreams. Places long gone, ice deserts, odd tribes, future cities. Finding a place to hide, even when it was only for short in autumn before getting too cold to stay in. A ruined small cabin, the place my grandma used to live when I was small. In my dream it was totally abandoned, windows broken, door stood open, all kinds of rubbish from trees inside. But not wet, not rotten.

There was also something from a story I write, about some people who were lost and slept under a glacier for a century. And a shooting scene in an old summerly sci-fi style harbour. I can kind of track back almost all of those dreams to what has happened the last few days. And I often have dreams about shooting some sort of weapon. Real or airsoft. Very positive dreams with a good feeling about them. Even those stressing zombie-dreams are sort of fun sometimes.

This is a good song I fell in love with just some days ago. It describes my feelings well (if you understand finnish), it’s sad but not without hope. It’s sure possible to find lyrics translated somewhere and as far as I have understood it’s a cover anyway.

Have stood up from the depression but stress might make me fall back in again. I’m going shopping tomorrow after school, to Helsinki and Leppävaara. Have to buy working clothes for school, working shoes, and I saw something very nice in a shop in Helsinki last Friday. For summer. It is forecasted for a heap of weight to be lost til summer.

Because I have celiac disease and have to change my diet completely. Have less money for food because gluteine free foods cost about three or four times more than normal ones, can eat less stuff that makes fat (white flour and similar carbohydrates) and will have to cook more often specially for myself and healthier food. Also want to start dancing again regularly. It’s fun and I’ve been missing it.

So, first sips of the protein shake always taste like cow shit smells. The normal nutridrink tastes like lilac smells. I’m SO happy I haven’t had the annoying taste delusion anymore since last summer.

Have to go now. Found today something good to read online and thought of slowly starting to post a link list in the sidebar here. Stuff I visit often and what interests me. Tomorrow I get a phone call about the lab results and have to call my other doc about them too, and while I’m already calling around I could try to reach the one guy at RHY too. Til later, have a nice week everybody!

EDIT 7.12. Dead tired. Had a long day. Tired, then restless, and my restless feet carried me away from safe paths to places to spend a lot of money. Still, it completely calmed my restless heart and in this month I manage to even put some money aside. Tomorrow will be even busier and I’ll go travelling, try to fit all my stuff in backpack.

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