Every day is a fight

Lift off

How could it be wrong to enjoy something this beautiful?

Just listen to this music and watch all this war happening. Who said war can’t be beautiful? It is. Stop. Look around. It is.

My SEALs knife arrived today and I got it from post office. I love it. Propably no surprise… I spent lots of time just watching it. Gliding my fingers along the extremely sharp blade. Enjoying the rush of adrenaline. Feeling all the possibilities around me. Dreams. That thing will cut human flesh like butter.

It’s just the finishing. I have put a lot of effort into this image, and the knife makes it perfect. It’s not only what I say, not only threats. I’m REALLY dangerous now. This is REAL. This is happening. RIGHT NOW.

Not only the knife.. I know how to use it. I know how to cut. How to be effective. Don’t ask how I learned, it’s propably from TV anyway, can’t remember. Logic too. I have the skill and the equipment to cut your throat. :) What makes difference is whether I’m going to use that skill to that deed or not. If someone tries to rob me, attacks me at night when there’s no-one to help around.. It’s their mistake. I can turn the situation around. What the fuck should I do with a beeping device that will only scare douchebags?

This works much better. I have already achieved personal immunity. People tend to avoid getting close to me. If I want to be alone in the crowd I just need to pull my mask over my mouth and nose, the hood over my head, crouch my shoulders a bit. If anyone makes the mistake to try an eye contact I’ll throw them a gaze that makes them freeze.

WTF? Did it happen again? Apparently it did. I’ve had it several times today. I change. All of a sudden I’m a different person. Not directly a delusion. I feel like I’d be wrapped in cottonwool, nothing feels real, like when I’m out there walking on the street I feel like I’m in a dream or a game. Nothing feels real. I’m dizzy and can’t keep my thoughts in one place. And then all of a sudden I go from a friendly girl in love to real psycho. It’s shit if it keeps going on.


Maru is trying to find some extra treats. I should have all of them in safety though.

I told my love yesterday about my feelings. Well, did not quite hit the highscore. :D I thought I’d be much more shattered afterwards, but I’m not. Almost not at all. That’s odd. Really odd. I really thought I’d feel totally heartbroken now. But I feel like it’s OK this way too. He said there’s plenty of time. Yes it’s true. Maybe some day? And right now the most important thing is that we can be friends. I have so much fun with him. I don’t want to spoil it. :)

Going to see my sister on Saturday. What should I wear? Basic with black hoodie, cat hair and Mil-tec scarf? Almost pretty with some colour and orange scarf? Hello Kitty fan? A mixture of all of that?

Should go to bed. And Maru wants some attention too. Had to find a good place for my knife so that Maru won’t get hurt when jumping around at night. I have a sheath for it too, compatible with about everything so I should find a way to fix it on my green jacket breast pocket (inside), or my everyday bag. But it should not be stored in it due to hidden moisture and rust danger.

Well, OK now it’s the fact that a person is actually not allowed to carry a weapon in public, especially not when going to clinics, but I still do it quite a lot. I have Reaver with me. It’s more realistic than Ari. I’m of course lying to myself about the reasons, like “it keeps me more calm”, or “it makes me just feel better”, but the real reason is more like I want to keep the adrenaline level up when I’m out there. It keeps me ready for action, my senses are sharper and it’s a great boost for self-confidence. ;D All goods. And it’s the risk of getting caught with a weapon. It just feels good. :) Can’t help it.

Sometimes out there I get lost in my thoughts, violent fantasies. About robbing or killing people. I have missed my stop in bus because of this. And once I didn’t realize the bus had come to the final destination until the people around me all got up and went out. I was totally AWAY. In a dream of how to get all of them killed and what would be the best way to escape. This is what I think when I travel out there in the crowd.

Should go to bed. Before I lift off too far from ground. ;)

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