Every day is a fight


I found out yesterday that the psychiatrists who “treated” me when I was a teenager believed I had some sort personality disorder. I don’t get it why nobody told me this before. It explains many symptoms. This also made me do a couple of calls and find out where to get my old patient files. They’re oldfashioned in that hospital, have to write them a personal letter and explain why I want the files and then a head doctor decides if they’re given or not.

Well, I must admit I made a big mistake yesterday. I was not able to control my behaviour AT ALL. I was too aggressive which led to straight “no” in Oni’s case. Fuck, I’m not giving up this easily.

I also told I could kill someone for dad for 1000 euro. I told I’m carrying my knife with me all the time. I showed it him at home and said it’d cut human flesh like nothing. I also told I’m willing to help him in everything I can, with selling the old house whenever it must be sold, sharing the inheritance, things like that.

Many things that could freak out about anybody. I don’t trust anybody, but I can still tell them stuff like that just to see how they react. We drank some wine plus me a drink and dad a beer and a whisky. We were not really drunk. I did not tell those things because of the alcohol. Even when drunk I can still control myself, but now it’s all different. Just look what I posted here last time! Everything is slipping away, and I do no effort in holding it back. I just don’t give a shit what people think when they read this. ;) Their feelings mean nothing to me.

Have no idea how what I said feels from dad’s point of view. He probably forgot most of it, but I do think is he feeling freaked or uncomfortable? Just interested, nothing more. Does he trust me less after I showed him the manic aggressive side of myself? Was this too big difference to the tired of everything -person he saw last time we met, the one who is so tired of life that she doesn’t care about doing chores or paperwork or keep working towards her dreams anymore?

Dad said I should be careful with the knives. And that he doesn’t want to encourage me to cut anyone’s throat. Hell, I wouldn’t need any encouragement for that! ;D

Allthough, there is this one person connected to this family who we all hate and who clearly has a narcissistic personality disorder. She has been abusing us all for years in many different ways, she’s greedy and nymphomanic and manipulates everyone in her reach. And there’s no way we can get rid of her. ><

OK, have to go eat something and then do some more cleaning once again. And pack my stuff for school tomorrow. Should read something instead of sitting on my ass on this hard chair from which I get nerve pain all over my back. And I also wanted to make a Valentine’s card for my catsitter. Just because she’s so nice and I got a card from her too. Hope I have some glue somewhere.

P.S. Made me some green tea today, and am going to make a new kettle after dinner. Health tea. I tend to use the leaves twice because green tea is so valuable to me. Try to buy only good tea and some of it is quite pricy too. At the moment I’m drinking only japanese green teas, but as soon as I have the opened bags empty I’ll change to some chinese tea. I also have a huge collection of various herb and spice teas, some fruit teas, rooibos, black, white, pu’erh and mate tea. Most of them are bought in Finland or Germany from various shops, but there’s one single bag of a taiwanese diet tea left, brought from Taiwan, and some brasilian tea brought from Brazil.

2 Responses to “Failure”

  1. Did you find out the exact PD they suspected, or is that what you’re now trying to uncover from the files?

    • It’s what I have to find out. I was never told about such a thing but some symptoms fit all too well. I have no idea which PD they thought it’d be, but I bet antisocial, as it’s now a big issue and causing me trouble. Didn’t send the papers yet, must ask if my doctor would do it for me cause they have better chances of getting them than a private person. And I wouldn’t need to write the stupid letter and pay for sending it.

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