Every day is a fight

Where do you go, restless soul?

Listen to the city at night.
Sounds like home, doesn’t it?
Sounds like millions of innocent victims screaming.

At times easy to see –
The demon.
The real me.

And fresh blood –
A perfect night.

Some old poems from a series called AnOther Poems. I have written them “as another person”, which means they are not really mine. It is my “second life”, the second me that has existed very long and been a place to hide, a safe place for me through 20 years. After I moved out of my childhood home he disappeared for five years and returned in my chaotic phase (party, heavy drinking & prescription drug abuse, severe delusions and very strong manic and depressive periods, irresponsible behaviour, severe paranoia, beginning addiction of self-harm, insomnia, suicidal thinking) possibly due to the heavy alcohol and prescription drug abuse. It was odd, having another person inside of me that took over every now and then, but on the other side it felt good. It was like a free escape.

That time I started to write his diary, I wrote it only when it was safe to let him out. I could write hours, page after page about something that was in a way reality to me, even when I did not actually live it. I started also writing these poems, but after getting the medication against the bipolar mood disorder I completely lost the creative vein. I had a writing blockade but even after it broke I have not been able to continue to write poems. After I decided to move back here, and after actually moving here he disappeared quite intensively. I have very little connection to him. I guess it’s because I have now much better working medication, I drink almost no alcohol more and use the sedatives very responsibly. And I have a life. I have things in my life that make ME want to LIVE IT. Before I didn’t really want to live, I sought for escape. Now I have found new reasons to stay alive, I have my family of guns, my best friend who is a lovely person and I love and respect him very much. And I feel a sense of duty.

I have to take care of Maru, and I have to take care of my parents. I’m too tired to travel but I have to, I promised to visit them next week. They need me.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s just a duty. I’m not sure if I really care or not. I can make it look like I care, and therefore I have lost the sense of what is real and what is acting. Like, I can cry if I’m told to cry, I can fake any feeling. When I’m with them I concentrate fully on them and talk only about things that they can accept, things that are important to them. I give them my support, I agree with them, talk witty and present realistic looking theories which in fact have absolutely no ground, I create those at the instant I speak them out. I make sure I always agree with them in high amounts. Then I can allow me to make some odd-sounding comments from which they do not know if I’m trolling or just insane, which make them a little unsure, maybe they start wondering what’s wrong.

This is a very typical way of action for me. My actions and words might differ highly. I’m friendly, open and helpful, and most of the time I talk with people in a way that makes them trust me. Then I say something like “I could murder someone for you, if you pay me enough” to someone who is seriously desparate and under heavy pressure, or “this country should start renting it’s military knowledge and high standard training grounds for NATO and UN” to someone who is very peaceloving, anti-NATO, anti-military person and does not understand how this country would profit from joining NATO.

It’s also my style talking about the absolute opposite than the person I’m having conversation with understands or accepts. Example: my mother is academic from nature and education, book loving, peace loving, simple person who wants everyone to live in balance, be humble and polite. I once talked to her about NATO and how we could profit from it. About the solutions I have for the “useless military” crisis, how to make money with military training, how to solve the economy crisis, about weapons and that they are not that bad as she believes. Well, that’s complete opposite of what she can stand. That discussion kind of ended in a dead end because she did not get my point, which was not actually meant to happen. It was just my way of showing that my knowledge is beyond hers and she can not compete with me in political or economical opinions. I’m aggressive to get everybody accept my opinion and do what I say. Confusion is a way to win.

Does not sound very nice thing to do for your own parents. But confusion is a way to control. They need me, and I can get whatever I want with only a little effort.

This time, I’m going there to probably visit the vet with mum. She’s unsure and doesn’t want to go alone. Dad was in a cancer test this week and also needs some support. They are living on the edge of poverty and still try to be helpful and support me with money and food. I could live without that support. I don’t need it and in a way I don’t even want it. They don’t need to give me anything. I’m fine with the feeling that I have control over them. That’s enough. I’m fine with the knowledge that they will do (in minor cases) about anything I say if I put some effort in explaining why this or that would be a good idea. I have provided them with feline special diet food, some medicine for their cat and some anti-flea agent. If they travel somewhere I go look after their old cat.

Oh whatever, now I’m hungry again. Had the biopsy today, I hated it. I almost got a panic attack in the beginning, and can’t eat anything warm cause they took samples from my stomach.

GR-16 in bed

This is an old photo of Threedog (GR-16) in my bed beside my pillow. It’s too large to be kept in that place, plus it’s made of a type of plastic that works as a cat hair magnet. The best place would be on the wall in sleeping corner, I’ve planned to build there a wall for all of them, that can be covered with a sort of curtain. I just need to pull the curtain over them when I get unexpected guests or people who are very sensitive. I like to keep my guns at sight. I also clean them with vacuum cleaner when they get too dusty and look no dust can go into the barrel or inside the receiver or magazine, or the battery hole of AEG’s.

That was probably the only time I had Threedog in that place. Normally it’s very well enough for Seed (P90) or one of the pistols. I change them regularly to avoid getting stressed. I have vacuumed my place and still there are very much cathair atm. He sleeps sometimes in my bed and it’s full of them, and my clothes too.

Have to get me something to eat. I miss those days when I could not eat anything. I have been bingeing food for four weeks at least. Since I was released from hospital. I have gained weight again and am in poor physical condition. The depression took all my eating controls, but I try to live healthier from now on. And I try to go out for a walk more often. When I get it cleaned up here, that is. Not much to do anymore. Guess I’ll take me some frozen strawberries and go to bed and read some more of my brand new Word Bearers Omnibus. It’s so great! I waited for it like I’ve not waited for a book that thick for 17 years at least.

To finish this, one more poem. It’s from the first year I wrote these, 2005. Those were probably the best ones. They came from heart, they had soul, they had feeling. And this particular one is somewhat what I feel now too:

Dark path of water,
Ice covering the landscape:
I’m not welcome.

People like me are not welcome to this world. ;/ On the other hand it’s sad, on the other hand I don’t care. It’s like balancing on the thin line of sanity: should I be sad about being feared and rejected, or confident and proud because I’m one of the really sick ones, one of those who are capable of murder, one of those with no empathy whatsoever, one without conscience?

With that question hanging in the air, I leave now. Be back whenever.

5 Responses to “Where do you go, restless soul?”

  1. You are always welcome in this world. Who is it to say that you’re not? You are here, you are entitled to life, one that is filled with things that you love to do. Don’t ever feel sad or sorry for yourself. Because it doesn’t matter to anybody else. Be confident and proud, not because you’re one of the sick ones, but because you made it into this world. And that you are still alive to share your own experiences with others. I know that you are a kind person. And it moves me to read about your experiences because I can only imagine all the hardships that you have gone through.

    You don’t have to listen to anything that I say, and I totally respect that. But I also respect the amount of control that you have, especially reading through a lot of your posts. You have many weapons, many opportunities of doing something bad, yet you choose not to. And that is why I keep coming back. Because you are an example to me. You may have a lot of dark thoughts that plague you, but who doesn’t? You’re brave enough to share those and it doesn’t bother me one bit. Yea, I may get worried every once in awhile of the things you write, but you are definitely a strong person and reaffirms what I had already known in the first place. Don’t let anyone else think otherwise, ok?!

    • :) Thanks for your nice words. I have been too tired/hyper to think anything reasonable to answer. Past week with light mania and extreme mood changes. Today in a big family meeting but it went all ok. Thank god! Some surficial talk and people say things what everybody in the room know are just kind of lies, they tell each other that they care when they really don’t. At least this one time I think my feelings were real and I really care for my grandma. She had her 90th birthday and she’s still very bright in head.

      I seem to have found a new connection to dad, thanks to my guns. He wants to try out mine. Maybe he lets me try out his… Next weekend there’s a collection of fairs in Fair Centre, I’m going with a friend. He’s mainly interested in the Photo&Camera part but I wanna see the hunting fair too and get info. I need to talk to people more, I like to communicate with people and inform myself. I need connections.

      I didn’t catch up with A this week and that makes me semi-worried. I hope he’s alright.

      I’m really thankful that you come here to read this mostly insane stuff. Most people are freaked out. :) This week should have been like a long weekend, but it was stressful. Fighting with mum for example. Their house is a house of lies. I was already stressed and flipped out when she kept nagging about food. Dad found my secret stash of airsoft magazine and my pistol that I always carry with me when travelling in homeland. Had my knife as well but really no need to show them around. Could have, but chose not to. Well, dad just wanted to make sure I won’t let mum see those things cause SHE would freak out and call the police or first aid thinking I’m nuts. Heh, maybe I am, a little bit… ;)

  2. No worries! Sorry for the late reply…but hopefully you’re doing well. I was able to read your latest posts. And I know that you aren’t comfortable with sharing your complete feelings. Which is totally fine. I understand…how can you trust somebody that you’ve never met in person?

    I know for a fact that you are a good person. Just the amount of time and thought that you put into your comments shows that. Maybe I’m wrong and I’m being led astray…But overall I know that you have a good heart. Every time I get a reply from you , a sigh of relief escapes my breath because I know that you are still alright and that nothing bad has gone down.

    I’m glad that your grandma is doing fine! I wish that my grandma was still around…never met the woman but I heard that she was a wonderful lady. Anyways, hope that you’re doing well. I know that you are facing various struggles and that there are two sides pulling you apart. Maybe I’m wrong…but you know what they say “the side that you feed the most, wins”.

    And I know that you have something that makes you smile on the inside and not the dark stuff, but something on the inside that brings you a genuine peace of mind. Remember that and hold onto it with all of your strength. You are definitely a strong, kind hearted person and you don’t deserve to be tormented by those voices anymore.

    • Hi, thanks for coming over. :) I’ve not been alright for a couple of weeks but today I seem to have made a small breakthrough. It confused me though, have to think about it but I will not need to do that all alone but can work on it with my psychologist and nurse. For some of my at times very antisocial behaviour there’s a deep rooted reason, for some of it not..

      In internet it’s not about trust. It’s not that I trust people, but strangers at distance are easier to control with telling them just certain things about me. Today I think I showed my psychologist a little bit of the “real” me inside. The person who is mostly totally passive about everything and just wants to have her peace. I think that you have catched a little glimpse of that too. It sometimes shows. And I’m truly happy that you have. That you see behind the curtain. Not all is lost yet. :)

      Many have tried to kill her, even she has tried it herself, but maybe that friendly, happy little girl I once was has somehow survived. Even at the times when I look at my childhood photos I rarely smile in them, and must think if that person ever existed at all, all hope is not lost. If there’s a way to overcome the memory blockades I might find out why I stopped smiling and the exact time when my insides turned black.

      And thanks again for your kind words, they give me hope too! You’re such a nice person. Wish you a good starting week!

      p.s. i have lied before, just in this manner, told nice things to people because they wanna hear them, but i swear to all possible gods and everything that is holy to me that this time i’m not lying. i have no reason. i’m passive.

      • Absolutely. It’s all a battle that everyone has, to some extent. Some have it harder than others. But it’s one battle that we will take with us to the grave. I have definitely caught more than a glimpse of that passive, peace seeking, friendly person. Every comment you have replied with has always been filled with kindness. Another reason why I keep coming back.

        I know you have more…way more to you than all of the gruesome things that you post. And of course that little girl is still there in you. I know since you haven’t given up yet. And I can tell that through your posts, in the conflicts that you face. If you were totally gone, you wouldn’t have any conflict since you would have just let one side win. But the struggle shows that you’re keeping up the good fight against things so dark. I admire that. You are definitely a strong person. Don’t ever give up!

        Hope is never lost. As long as you have the will to fight, it will always be there. Even in the darkest, most frightening times…it will always be there :D

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: