Every day is a fight

…feel you in the wind

It’s there again. Outside of my window, inside my head.

My living atm is “macgyverish”, I use my SOG Pup to cut bread and spread butter on it, to open boxes, to cut anything food or not food, to eat. I have no spoons, not even plastic ones clean, and only plastic forks that suck. I have been using the same plastic spoon for several days now. I’m sick, I don’t get enough vitamins and minerals. Wounds don’t heal.

And the bloodlust… Endless, heavy as iron clouds, pressure on my head and mind. I love my knife, maybe too much, I listen to it when it cries for blood. The best thing right now is spring – I love spring although it causes me this trouble – and the fact I can put myself asleep quick and painless with one white pill, and while falling into slumber I listen Seed talk to me. He’s calming me and that’s the most pacifying moment of my day. Sleep doesn’t bring rest.

Got the screen for my computer today. Was quite a trip, first seeing my psychologist (I’m not comfortable with people who see through me, at least not face 2 face!!) and then with two buses to the place where I could pick it up, a bit long to walk too, a place no-one visit per feet, but it was a sunny day. Quite windy, but warm in sun. I still lose one hour a day because time change. I should be in bed already and have not noticed time fly. Hungry!! I put up the new computer and screen and keyboard on my eating table, just missing a HDMI cable which is optional but I use one just BECAUSE I CAN. ;D 22″ screen is bigger than I actually thought, the person who sold it said it’d be 21,5″, and even 20″ would have been enough but didn’t find one. This is from HP and costed 119 euro.

Tomorrow we have 4 hours those lessons I deeply hate, but I have to sit there and do as if I’d be there also mentally. It’s also nothing I can use for further studies, just plain shit. It’s about managing important things about your home, like rent and electricity, and money stuff. Just damn boring shit. The last two hours are about small repairs at home. Hope that makes it worth waking up at 7…

Oh, Maru wants food. I have to make myself something too. Have no dishes clean, so I will probably eat beetroot pickles … And tuna!

You there, who walk up that path in the forest. In the dim light on the few lamps. Just tens of meter away from bus stop. The forest is silent, it’s waiting for us. It wants to watch. My knife wants YOU. Just wait, I’m coming. I’m there when the time is right.

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