Every day is a fight

Meadows of heaven

It’s midsummer eve. I barely slept last night. Didn’t fall asleep even after sleeping pill. Coloured the whole mandala at night and finally fell asleep after 4am. Up at 10am and just put clothes on, ate a yoghurt, went to toilet and out. Less than 20 mins to get outta house. In shop they didn’t have the cheapest size of my favourite energy drink left anymore. I bought big cans instead and a whole load of alcohol (34 euros). And 3 hours ago my friend cancelled tomorrow cause he feels bad.

Well, at least I save money… I felt kinda betrayed, but soon it changed to a lightness: I don’t need to go ANYWHERE tomorrow. Can sleep long and don’t need to go to bed “in time”. I still stress about it.

Today I printed more mandalas and am colouring one right now. Just stopped to write this and when I ate some bread. Got an unexpected free sausage at the grill today when I went to see if there’s anything I can eat at the house’s Midsummer “party”. Salad had maccaroni, bread was normal, cake was normal and sausages were private, but a friendly woman gave me an extra sausage she didn’t eat. Cheese sausage. I had half of my energy drink there, we sat in the sun and chatted for about an hour. I saw two people from the Creative Group. I can talk about anything. So the talk went from food to cancer to airplanes to parents to carpet washing to sushi to food to local politics to fishing to my cat to allergies and so on. The only guy who’s working here was there to check the grill use and talk about fishing. The one woman who arranged the party was making the foods and sharing them from a shadowy place but mostly sitting in the office cause there were no others. The guy is not very passionate about his job I have noticed. He mostly just sits in the office and talks only a few words. Just me and the woman who grilled the sausages were from A-house, others from B. All of them there were in worse condition than me. But it’s OK. I’m calm and peaceful now.

Too many colours in the mandala under construction. Need to calm it a bit with blue and green but haven’t found my better pencils and the ones I have don’t have enough green and blue hues. And they are grainy. I’m just making them so colourful because we were told to do so in the group. I finished the one given from there last night, and don’t know why I continued with so many colours. Too many make me very restless. (It’s best to turn the paper around.)

Just heard the day’s first ambulance/fire brigade sirens. It’s 9:43pm.

Started to drink my wine. Dry rosé Sangre de Toro. Cheap. I buy small bottles, usually that’s enough. Had one small grape long drink before and because I haven’t had a proper meal today I’m already feeling dizzy. But I’m too lazy to cook anyway. I should have taken a semi dry one… But I thought I’d save 2 euros. Damn. Well, when I have the first glass down it starts to taste very good… ;D So I’m breaking the house rules once again… I have the rules paper I signed last weekend with the extra mentioned 4 airsoft guns and my promise I keep them hidden when visited, which does not apply to surprise visits.

Have a small bag of mint truffle chocolates here but those do not go with a wine this dry. And mint doesn’t go with wine of any kind.

Still a tiny bit on sunlight to see on the treetops. Looks like something is falling from the sky but it’s just my tired eyes, less than 6 hours sleep and staring the computer screen the whole day. When I have some mandalas ready I’ll scan them and post here and maybe Facebook. Last night before I started to try sleeping I had a real weird out-of-body experience. Cause I don’t normally have anything like that. Very rare. I was sitting on my bed and like my upper body was two meters tall. I did not feel my hands or legs. Odd.

Well… Indeed I have a similar experience often but not about myself, but just the world around me. It feels unreal, the people like walking dead without feelings just pointless wandering around. Places feel unreal, sometimes I don’t recognise familiar places or have difficulties remembering where I am and what does it look like outside the house. Like the world would be a game, and big amount of my stress comes from the feeling I cannot end the game. I cannot log out of it to rest. Feels like I’m constantly put under pressure by SOMETHING without given the Pause-button or possibility to get out and relax.

What it looks like in my fridge (after filling it):

Fridge door

Sour bread root (brown bag), painkiller gel, rice vinegar, salmon oil for Maru, marmelade gone bad, skimmed milk drink lactose free, orange juice with fruit flesh, japanese soya sauce, vegetable oil.

Fridge filled

Upstairs eggs, butter, grape long drink. Second from up energy drinks, butter-vegetable oil mixture, baby fruit puree, yoghurt, cottage cheese. Below carrots, ginger, Fanta, meatballs I don’t eat, apples, cucumbers. Downstairs 2 bags potatoes, pepper, old carrots, spring onions, Chinese cabbage, ?. There was wine but I have it now here on computer desk.

There are a lot of products I don’t normally buy. Fanta being one of them and meant to be a mixer for strong alcohol. I have blood orange liqueur and “Suomi-viina”, schnaps of the brand “Finland”. It was the cheapest of them, and smallest. I don’t normally drink that. I wanted to take it with to my friends place and maybe share it with the two other guys but now when it’s cancelled I’ll just have to hide it somewhere. Haven’t been drinking strong stuff in years anymore. And I don’t normally have two bags of carrots and potatoes, but dad carried them home for me (and paid them) so I took fresh ones of both.

I got this fridge-fill thing from Marginaali. Any reader who like it can continue it. :) And here’s a pic how my fridge looks like from outside:

fridge fighterz

Pics are shaken cause I took them with shaking hands (obvious) and very fast.

So. I’m done here. Wine tastes good enough to finish it. ;)

4 Responses to “Meadows of heaven”

  1. You make your own bread? That’s so cool!

  2. I wanted to, but can’t eat that anymore as it has wheat. Want it? It’s free to have, it’s for german “grey bread” and will stay good forever.

    • I’d love to, if only a) I knew how to bake bread b) I didn’t suck at baking in general and c) had the time.

      Is it different from rye bread root?

      • No idea, never done any of root… :) Needed to ask grandma but she’s forgotten everything that was in old times. :'(

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