Every day is a fight

I’ll do anything to nurture and protect you my love…

Yup. I actually did it. I didn’t have the time and because of that I was too late to buy me new pants (damn me for that), BUT I got new information, a nice chat and was in heaven for those 30 mins. Candyshop visit. ^^ Still on my way home after midnight I was extremely excited and shaking of withdrawal. I have become a very brave and self confident. 2-3 years ago doing something like this would have been out of question. SO IT’S TRUE: IF I PUSH MYSELF FORWARDS ACTIVELY ENOUGH I CAN MAKE ALL MY DREAMS COME TRUE. Now I’m again one step closer to my long term goal. :D It makes me so happy. I can’t talk about this with anyone but it doesn’t matter cause there’s a future!! (I went to visit that gun shop I spotted from bus window some months ago, AND they had a REAL P90 there and apparently the military version of it can be bought here, only getting a license could be tricky.) OMG that guy there must have thought I’m weird cause I just didn’t wanna leave… :D :D :D

Maru wants food.

I’m a bit confused, cause in Gamestop they had Battlefield 3 for something like 49 euro, and at another game shop it was only 24,95. WTF??? Anyway, for that price I bought it right away. That makes three games bought this week and 4 in the past 2 weeks. First Modern Warfare 2, then Medal of Honor 10 Years pack, Mass Effect 2 and now Battlefield. Must fill my shelf for the winter – and the time AFTER New Vegas… And not too long ago I bought Space Marine too. MoH won’t run on this computer so I have to get me an old one with Win XP on it, stripped from all other programs but some security, to use “only XP” games. And I should put them into that shelf cause right now they’re all laying on this table and it looks pretty crowded.

OK, gotta feed that little furry ghost and get myself some food too. Ate a huge portion BBQ chicken and fries at 9pm but that’s a long while ago!!

Maru had chicken and I had some icecream. :P Now I’m freezing. :P Before I started writing this the game crashed. Now it’s morning, I didn’t sleep, sun is shining to the treetops. I’ll finish this and install some other games. Not sure yet which ones from the pile before me. Cat food stinks in kitchen, have to clean that up today. And bring away empty cans. And cook good food. And continue cleaning up sleeping corner. I think I have understood something basic tonight. I have seen clearly what I want and need in my life, what I’m not allowed to let go or destroy. I have to protect it because it’s my future. They are my future. Whatever stupid people may say. Every person should have something he/she is passionate about. I have found mine. Long time ago, but it took me this long to understand it needs care to flourish and carry fruit. I’m not allowed at any point to risk that fruit – my future happiness – through sabotage or irresponsible actions. YOU HEARD THAT EVIL ME??? NO SABOTAGE.

I just need a little motivation. A small reminder every now and then. I know I can do this, I believe in myself. There’s also something else that has changed the last few days: I love my cat much much more. I don’t want to bring him to babysitter yet, so I’m not leaving to see my parents until Monday. I miss him so much when he’s not around. He’s warm and soft and smells so good. Like a cat, but it’s a good smell. :) I could sniff his fur forever and lick his ears. My baby. :)

Have a nice weekend, I try to have a productive one (not only playing but reading and learning too). :)

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