Every day is a fight

All this pain

I wanna come back to blogging. I have so much inside me that I feel I’m gonna burst. Things I can’t share even with those friends I have learned to trust. Maybe I can blog about it? I will try. I will make this blog open again because I don’t wanna hide. I’m not always sane but it goes by, I’ve said things I should’ve not said. I can’t say I regret anything though. Fuck off if you don’t like it.

Go to my new favourite page on Tumblr, read some stuff, watch pics. I feel warmth, happiness, love. And at the same time the pain inside is getting unbearable. I think I can’t live like this. I’m breaking. Then I wipe my tears pull myself together try to forget. Impossible. It will always be there to haunt me. This body. I can’t escape it. It’s ugly. It’s wrong. It doesn’t belong to me. The inside of me is hiding, crying, living in fear. It’s like my whole childhood repeated, only not for the outer me but the inner me. My identity is shattered, has always been. Even if I manage to put the puzzle together the frame is still missing, it’s wrong shape, bad, doesn’t fit the innards. I should know no fear but I do, with this. I don’t fear future or change, I fear my family, aka those who are called relatives. I have already closed them outside.

Since the incident in school I also have started again to close other people out. Everybody is my enemy. Can’t trust cause trust is rewarded with trouble and pain. This can greatly affect my survival in this class til the end of the schoolyear. I’m not sure if I can do it. I can’t be around with people whom I see as enemies. I don’t know who reported me, so I just have to count with anyone, everyone. They have plotted against me cause they don’t like me, the way they look at me – they look at a criminal. It’s in their voices, eyes, faces, mouths, hands, the way they walk, the way they hold their head high up to the skies. I have never met as intolerant people as within those who preach about tolerance and accepting differences. Often I feel like I wanna go and kill them all. I can’t protect myself cause whatever I do they will always win. Everything they do is right, doesn’t matter how evil it ever is. And all I do is wrong cause I have no worth, and no rights. And this is how it’s always been.

And this is why I’m such an angry person. The hate towards all people is caused by how they treat me. And it makes me unstable. I don’t wanna be like that. I wanna be whole person, happy and satisfied, look right, get rid of this shit around me. There are still strong moments I just wanna give up and kill myself. I have not had these thoughts for years anymore. But all this stress… I can’t take this anymore. If I try tell someone they don’t believe me, they won’t even listen. They think they know better where my problems lie. But they don’t see this inside. When I look into my eyes in mirror they tell me different story than this body. People don’t see. They look into my eyes and look straight through me.

In dreams I’m only free. I’d like to set my mind free. In death. I could be born again far away, in a body that feels right, in a place that’s friendly to me. Even a life as a fly would be better.

Every day pretending, being brave, not showing any pain or fear, it’s draining me. But if I show my true feelings, if I let those bastards break me I will never forgive myself. Not acceptable. They will not see me cry. Even if I die in the end they will not see me get weak before them. AND I will NOT stop posting my videos in Youtube, and I will NOT give up my hobbies and friends, or my family. I’ll train my cat to fight and they get my guns only over my cold dead body. If loving my family is a crime then it’ll be. I don’t care. I won’t stop loving them because they are what keeps me alive. I kill myself if they are taken from me.

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