Every day is a fight

Today’s been a better day

I slept til 3pm after drinking 4 long drinks yesterday evening. Not really enough to make anyone drunk. But it relaxed my body and my back ain’t hurting so much anymore. Maru kept me awake at night, that’s why I slept so long. I moved my only LifeFic blog left to WordPress, see the link in sidebar.

Feels really odd to have Maru back home. Today he’s been a lot on my lap, kneading my throat and purring and warming me. And losing lots of hair. He got scared when something dropped to the floor in kitchen and his poor tail got all bushy, but he has calmed down now. … Just fed him some treats after he finished his meal. I’ve got a hyacinth here and it’s smelling wonderfully like Christmas. Behind me in TV running the TV-show with those crazies prepping for Apocalypse. It’s damn interesting. Have to record or watch it more often. Giving really good tips for survival after some very possible catastrophies that threaten us. Like oil running out & it’s price going too high, money losing it’s worth, nuclear war, anarchy after natural disasters…

I think I can survive the disaster currently in my life. After I deleted the second FB account and was blocked from my old favorite FB group (and unliked it) I’ve been lot more relaxed. After I got over the fear. Watching Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the ring yesterday I felt much better. I got inspiration to continue writing and drawing. Haven’t been to Facebook today and I think a small break doesn’t hurt. I need to talk with some people IRL, people who understand. I have a meeting with my therapist and nurse tomorrow, and in school we have visit of a black guy who was born in Finland and is politician and I guess he’s gay too. I’m waiting to meet him. :) I’m scared of Friday and the visit to the social psychologist in the transgender support center but I think it’ll be a great relief after I get this shit out of me. Just have to encourage myself to talk and be honest.

I’m too fat and need to move more and eat better food. No more sweets as a main course 7 days a week… :P

Oh shit when I’m watching those preppers I SO WOULD LIKE TO move to USA where I can own and use guns without being seen as a criminal when doing so. Here it’s like you’re thought to be insane and danger to the society (control society) when you say you like guns. And I LOVE them. They’re my life. And life savers as well. Without my passion for them I wouldn’t be alive anymore. Whenever I’m stressed beyond everything else, restless, angry, when I take them to my hands I feel great relief, peace, happiness. I know I’ve said this before, but they DO calm me down better than any stupid medication. (Of course I eat my medication, I’m not stupid, just I need less sedatives if I use my “gun meditation” to get over bad situations. Sometimes the “relief pill” just is not the right choice. I think it’s always better to be able to solve problems without too much chemistry.) Well I’m going to study, and after studying I’m going to find a job aboard. Choices are Netherlands (close, familar easy to learn language), Germany (I speak the language and know the society), USA (more freedom I guess? Possibilities to grow as a person, get new friends who like the same things and maybe continue studying and specializing, maybe possibility to actually work with military technology cause here my medical records will forbid it, and even if I can’t it’s still a great country with amazing wonderful nature and places I’d LOVE to live in, like Arizona). I know people who hate America and americans and even when I at some level understand why I myself can’t force myself to hate anyone just because of a few idiots. Lately I have started to identify myself as american, and even as loyal nationalist american. Maybe because I’ve been accepted as such? I don’t feel this country as my own. There are some bonds to traditions and nature, but it just doesn’t FEEL LIKE my “true fatherland”. :/

Last night I dreamt I had a good friend in Japan and I could visit her and spend one summer with her family. It was everything I ever wanted to. I felt really peaceful. Like finally at home somewhere. The family thought was rather odd because of something disgusting I read yesterday and their house was crappy, but they loved each other and were really friendly to me. I even wanted to convert to shintoism to be part of something I loved.

I love the smell of the hyacinth… <3

Yea I also changed my background here. I’m cooling down now and I need to concentrate on good things in my life to cut down the stress. Need to have beautiful things around me. :) Next spring and summer I hope to be able to start taking driving lessons again. My dad can teach me like he did when I made the driving license in 1999 and 2000. I want to be able to drive without fear and have control over a car. I want to be able to drive around and visit places no bus goes. Nature. Old childhood places. With camera and my guns. To be able to drive is a way to be free. I don’t wanna be bound to public traffic in situations where those fail. I’d love to one day have my own car, maybe Nissan or some other low budget modern SUV. Jeep would be GREAT but it’s a bit too pricy. Best would be a car so big I can sleep in it on long tours.

This week I also opened an account to save money on. Every month 20 euros go there automatically. It should be an effective way to gather money for big things. I will soon need a new secure TV (without a burned hole on top), I want to travel somewhere next summer, and I want to be able to buy that car some day.

Need to quit this now. Need something to eat, I only had two pieces of toast and some candy bars today.

I have some posts here from times when I’m clearly not myself. I write about killing people and that only criminal life would be true freedom. A part of me thinks that way and it will probably never change, but I don’t want to end up in prison. I don’t want to live and know the blood staining my hands will never wash away.

the rest of the post was deleted by dysfunction of my internet connection and i’m too pissed to write it again. It was hopeful and friendly, and describing why I sometimes act cold and mean. now i need to go eat something or i’ll collapse. be back later. hope a nice week for everyone reading and if you’re fighting demons in your life know you’re not alone. <3

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