Every day is a fight

Fight season

It’s here. Doesn’t matter how much they say they don’t wanna fight, they still do when the slightest chance occurs. I will get a lot dirt poured on me. Part of it I have earned, most of it comes spontaneous. I didn’t clean up. Just a little. I’m tired, I’m dirty, floor is dirty with cat food stuck on it, stuff is laying around everywhere. I shouldn’t go to have fun or celebrate. I should stay home cleaning all holiday long. Nothing can change the facts. I have eaten wrong, even wheat, I have not made sport. When I leave home I put on a nice friendly happy face, someone who has everything under control and lives a satisfied life, someone not me. I’m still hiding, but when I come home I don’t hide before myself. I see all the shit around, dirty messy home with clothes on floor in piles and papers scattered around on all tables, plants which have died cause it’s too cold near the windows. I step on food and cat food crumbles with every step, cat hair sticks to everything.

When did it become like this? When did I stop caring? Maru is restless. Waiting for me to clean up and I never do.

Like I would want bad things happening to me. Maybe I do. I don’t think I have earned anything better Sometimes – no, often, when I write stuff from Billy’s point of view I’m actually more honest about my own life than anywhere else. There I can tell about things I have to hide in reality. And everything that exists in his life does so in mine too. In a weird way it’s all true, reality.

When I came home today I put some clothes on I like a lot. I tried to make me feel better but all I wanna do is hide and cry. When I see my face in the mirror I just want to hurt it. I’m not this person and I want this THING to go away. Why is it there between me and the world? I don’t want to touch this body, it makes me sick to think I need to wash myself and touch me all over, or wear some clothes I need to. Could I please wear what I want on Christmas Eve? Everyone else puts on fine stuff, but I don’t want to. Can I go in these dirty rags?

Every day trying to hold the pain inside, slowly it’s getting too much. Mama loves you Maru, but mama doesn’t exist and there’s a big stone in my throat and it hurts. I have always fought to be strong and not cry but could I this one time be myself and not need to pretend?

I wish readers happy holidays, I’ll be back whenever.

One Response to “Fight season”

  1. I just wanted to stop by and wish you an awesome new year! It definitely feels like this time of year can go both ways. Surrounded by family and the people you love, or celebrating alone. Being alone can be especially hard, since this is the time where everyone should get together despite their differences. Because if you can’t do that this time of year especially, then when can you?

    Also, I know that deep down on the inside, that you truly do care. Otherwise you wouldn’t have mentioned it. Don’t beat yourself up too hard! You may not know it but, you are definitely a role model to others out there. Just always stay true to yourself. Sometimes I find myself trying to be something I’m not, and I just feel like a total failure. You just have to accept yourself, because you are the only person that can do the things you do. Sigh…I actually don’t know if that made any sense. But I wish you the best, since you’ve helped me out so much as well. Here’s to another year!

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