Every day is a fight

Feels like (started January 14th, finished today)


Award time! :) From On Windy Days.

First, thank you so much for your support!! You have been a giant inspiration to me, and seeing you reach for your dreams has given me motivation to do so too. ;) School is much more fun when I have a goal I’m working for. :)

* Display the award logo on your blog
* Link back to the person who nominated you
* State seven things about yourself

1. In the past year I have grown more responsible and aware of what I can do and what not. Compared to last January my life has improved greatly and I have realistic visions of my future and how to get there. I have gotten some new friends and it’s easier to get along with people. Although I have faced new troubles and permanent changes (“not a crumble of wheat”) they have not depressed me much and slowly it looks like I might actually reach my dreams too. I’m not even much worried that I broke one goddamn tooth today at lunch (carrots are evil) and have not yet gotten appointment to dentist (they’ll pull it out I guess but I’m oddly not even afraid of that). At times there’s so much stress I don’t care worrying about such tiny things anymore. I’m also determined to start exercising again. Last year put me to my knees but I have stood up again. :)

2. This has to do with the previous one, but I have actually started to believe in myself. I can learn what is needed to reach for my dream job, my brain has endless capacity – all I need to do is keep it in good shape. I’m going to gym in 30 mins when it opens and I believe if I can find the motivation and energy to keep going I might be able to fix my body too.

3. I claim to have no fear, but I do have. I’m afraid of everything, mostly of my parents and most adults I have to deal with, and that my friends will leave me for something I said or did.

4. I was addicted to alcohol 7 years ago but have now changed alcohol to caffeine and sweets. Which is at least double as destructive. I also love cheese, cream and eggs. :P My relationship to food has always been disturbed, I love food and I hate food for what it does to me.

5. I’m transsexual. :P Have tried to fit in for 20 years but it works no more. I’m unhappy and anxious, and even when I fear making decisions I have actually already made mine. It won’t change the person I am, but I wanna look like the person I am inside, and hide no more. Because hiding and lying sucks.

6. I like euro dance. :3 That’s what I grew up with and it brings so many memories to listen to it. It also is the basic foundation of my taste of music, and might be the reason why I love euphoric trance cause it’s happy and sunny too. ^^ Music was one of the few good things about that time, it gave me new dreams and at least some escape of reality. Also it reminds me of some sort of a freedom of thought I used to have. Now I always think what other people might say and that they’re already treating me like a criminal. And it brings back the first wishes to be a man instead of “this”, sort of a dreamy hope I had back then and that was lost.

7. Uhm, all my adult life I’ve been a HUGE fan of manga and anime, and japanese drawn gay porn. ^^ I have overdosed many times and had my mind go apart and I still use a lot of time seeking for new pics and stories online. When bored or when games crash or when I get enough of other people I go back to Tumblr or Pixiv and spend there HOURS. I have developed a skill to see if a pic is good or of my liking, or not, from just the thumbnail (or the file description in P2P programs like eMule and it’s kind). Right now I like bara a lot, and pics with violence, abuse or humiliation. No soft core love stories like 1998. ;)

That’s it, seven things. Last few days have been tough, I have a lot psychotic symptoms again and they are scary this time. Voices that are angry, unidentified flying lights and objects that flash by really fast. I might have forgotten my pills a few times last week but these things now come mainly after I take my evening pills. They put me in paralyzed state which I hate, but I can’t sleep, and I feel horribly ill for hours. I wanna get rid of them and change to the depot that doesn’t cause the paralysis. I need sleeping pills anyway some nights (they calm me also and I love their effect) but I’d like to get some NATURAL sleep too after years and years of chemical sleep. Cause only natural sleep brings true rest.

There some music. :3 My CD-player broke before Christmas, it was 15 years old. I need to buy a new stereo system and most likely it will be one from second hand store. For a good reason: those I can afford from supermarket are cheap because they are really bad quality and only last for maximum two years. For expensive ones I have no money. I also don’t lose as much when buying 90’s stuff and they can maybe be repaired (my genius brother) if broken, and with the price of a modern stereo system I get one PLUS speakers in second hand. And also a LP-player.

Somehow the DPM-pattern mesh net I bought is making Maru attack me. He wants to bite and scratch the net and if I touch it he attacks me. Must be the smell. It kinda smells like forest (?). I’m also making him nervous by being awake half nite and sleeping all day. :/

Had again some odd dreams. Could do without them.

Last Saturday I was shopping with my sis. I bought a shirt with a gift card I had, for Easter or some other similar situation. When I got home I was feeling awful. It was a fun day but I’ll bring the shirt back tomorrow. I will almost never use it, it isn’t “me” and it would forever remind me of always new lies. I will soon start to look through all my clothes and shoes and put aside stuff I never wear again, to be sold in online auction or second hand shop. Might also ask if my oldest friend will want some. He’s becoming female… Or sort of. I’m not quite sure, we’ve not have had time to talk properly for an eternity, so I’m not sure how far he’s going that path. Surgery and beyond. Although I know most of the clothes I wanna sell are not his style. He likes goth. So I have no idea what to wear on Easter. Need new jeans, so most likely jeans and some neutral t-shirt combination. Hope to lose some weight til then. Hate myself chubby.

Oh writing about stuff has made me feel a bit better. And I have an unopened can of long drink I bought few weeks ago but have not had interest to drink. Big can, half liter. The moment when I taste the alcohol in it I wanna pour it away. But drinking is keeping me from snacking and my coke is gone already.

This all now.

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