Every day is a fight

Hai sie, ostat sie hyvä hevoise?

In the beginning of every blog stands a mountain of junk comments. That refers to Darkness over day. The title is from a finnish comic book that made fun of different shows and artists of pop culture. That one was from Dallas. Wish I had it, is always good for lots of laughs and me and my sis have memorized lots of it.

Well, I don’t know if I wrote it yet but I brought back the shirt I bought with my sis. It kinda took a weight off my shoulders, although I now have a card with money on it to the shop (again) and they have nothing I’d like to own. 44 euro is too much that I’d give it away. It may not look like it but I do care for what I’m wearing. I choose my clothes (almost) every morning and see that they fit together. Sometimes I have to change three times until I find the right combination. Sheez. That’s the little bitch in me. I might even be late for school or meetings because of that.

Today in school has been mostly pure horror. Morning classes bored to death and after lunch fighting tears. I have been trying to bear the bad feelings all last week but I can’t do any work if all my energy goes to trying not to cry, so pills it be. Again. At least they help… All I got done was writing down numbers and emails of three companies I will ask for work. I should be calling them NOW but I’m fucking weak, will do tomorrow after school cause today I’m going to gym again and I wanna have my peace when working out. So tomorrow starts the major stress of intensively looking for a job (only for 4 weeks in April) which I should do all the remaining 3 weeks. Everyone should have a place secured til winter holiday, which is in 3 weeks. I so wish I could get a training place in one of those two places I found first. They are not tiny, or a family business like the third, and they are the sort of work I’m gonna do for living one day. And I wish to get a summer job in the same place, would be great. I just HATE calling strangers and talking in phone in general because I’m totally unsure about it. Would like to always meet F2F but I can’t just march in there. O_o First calling, asking if I could send an application, and playing with their rules.

About clothes again, judged by what I wear usually I seem not to care much about if my stuff is clean or dirty. I could do more, brush off the cat hair or use pajamas when I sleep and wash my face twice a day, but then again – so what? I don’t mind. Wearing dirty clothes doesn’t disturb me. I register it disturbs people around me, but to hell with their stupid opinion. xD Also my “style” seems to offend some people. I look like I could crush them with my mass (but that will go, I promise), I show not much emotion and dress to clothes that wake fear in some sensitive minded weaklings.

Now, my biological family wants to affect my style and life with all their might. They never let go. Especially my mum. She wants me to wear stuff with flowers and decorative stitches, she tried to get me wear a goddamn beanie hat. AND they want to decide what I’m going to study. She wasn’t happy at all when I told her about my changed plans. She’s always telling me what she thinks would be the right thing for me, what I “could” do. All stuff she gave up in her own life. Why isn’t she doing it by herself? Plus wear some flowers. I must of course give up a bit in some situations, like the upcoming Easter. No idea where we gonna be. Guess my clothes will be jeans and striped long sleeve with some neutral t-shirt and scarf.

The woman I talked with on Friday, who came to check my place, told people like me have a genetic anomaly. I must say I have never thought about it like that, so it kinda shocked me. And I got scared. Because what will happen if it turns out I do not have one after all? I’m emotionally completely fed up with living a life “in between”. I don’t hate myself, I just hate my body, so I hide it. Even my face. Even when I’m at home I often wear a mask that covers mouth and nose. It’s a goddamn pain to be in school or outside without a hood to cover my head, like today. I feel exposed, naked. It makes me panic.

And, since that one certain incident before Christmas every time I see a police car or a guard in shopping center I feel like my heart drops to my stomach and sometimes I’m almost sure I’ve done something that they’re after me. I have had some dreams… And sometimes those dreams feel like reality and set me in panic.

Yeah… Some days ago I had an odd experience. I was going to sleep and laid myself to bed, and for a split second I saw myself from above, like my mind would have been slow to follow my body. I wondered do other people see me the same way? Because what I saw was rather disturbing. I didn’t see the fat me, like I’m now, but it didn’t make it much better… I saw a man, not quite man yet but nevertheless, broken hands (they look grizzly I know), in dirty clothes, going to sleep and sharing his bed with two guns. I’ve done that for eternity now and I’ve never seen it abnormal. They just lay beside me. That is what peace means to me. To be close to my loved ones.

I wish I could continue writing fiction soon again. Blogging has made a start to it and I have some ideas again. Actually I could try and do some now. Still have one hour til gym opens. Got some healthy snack with me, mango puree and two soy joghurts. It’s a wonder I found a working computer, they had some major problems here. Apparently on Friday all school computers crashed and most of today nobody could log in anywhere. At home I have had some problems too, my BRAND NEW wireless broadband goes off about every six hours and stays off until I restart. Have to find out WTF it has and fix it. Also, Fallout is crashing like never before. 3 doesn’t work at all and NV crashes 20 minutes from start.

A friend said he’ll mail me FarCry3. :) Hope he does… I don’t know if I should call him a best friend anymore. We barely talk, he’s never online the same time as me even when he says he’ll be. I feel him and everybody slipping away from me. Feel like losing them all. Which leaves no true friend by my side, other than my P90. He’s always there, and he doesn’t bite like Maru.

Should really try and get that tattoo of him soon. I just would like to lose some pounds before that. Stop eating so much sweet stuff. x( Get myself other rewards than food. I’ve tried this so many times before and it never works, but let’s try again. Maybe for this week it could work? One day at time. Fighting it like the addiction it is.

I’m waiting to start FarCry… Never played the series before (but a friend played FC2 when I was visiting him and I’ve seen a couple of vids) but it looks cool and with the help of a little Battery energy drink I’ll sure figure out the commands pretty fast.

…just sometimes I’d so love to actually FEEL the recoil and get the real amount of adrenaline, not only the bits and pieces of a simulated experience…

Whtvr I’ll quit here. 40 mins to go.

P.S. The long drink I had didn’t all end up in my stomach. Only drank maybe 200ml and threw the rest away. Not gonna waste my money on alcohol anymore, it just makes me feel odd and sickly.

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