SD
Every day is a fight

I like my life

And the world around won’t stop turning tonight…

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I like. :3

Been busy once again. Today we had math (super easy) and made food. I got loads of food with me, gluten free. Maccheroni casserole and an original finnish cupcake type dessert called Runeberg’s cake. The guy who made mine made some mistakes though and they have a bit nasty consistence, but I can cure it. Usually out class is split in two groups (I’m in A) and we have separate classes but today we were all together and there was a lot action in training kitchen. It’s not the biggest room either. But it was fun. Mostly I feel like outside the group but today it was just relaxed cause most members of the main clique were missing and teacher split us to 2-3 person groups for cooking, so I got to interact with someone I normally have nothing to do with. I guess people don’t really know that I can be fun too, not just sitting alone in the corner with headphones on sketching guns to my notebook…

We have to make a Power Point presentation of a hobby we have. Some had it already done and we got to hear about art and kickboxing. I’m making mine about writing. I started it today and put together three examples of different stories. One is from my fantasy story, one is from a start of a spin-off to Sunset People, it’s called Hana Bi (Fire Flowers) and tells more about the pyromaniac guy in SP. The last is a very short example of my Warhammer 40K fanfic. I tried to get some soul to the examples, without going too deep into themes that cause fear in people (the most stuff I write about, like violence, drugs and mental sicknesses and loose sexual relationships). I wish I can show the people I’m not just a cold lump of meat (or metal), and that I write about difficult themes just because I can, not because I love those things (which is a lie, but one that I must tell). Not anyone can handle it, and usually it’s causing me great pain too, but, well, I’m a masochist then. :D It’s a great feeling to have something really difficult done. Like telling about an abused child in a way that makes people cry. People should feel emotions when they read, and to make them aware of the problems and bad things is giving them a chance to work also on their personal traumas and fears. We all need something to trigger emotional growth. I can make people cry with the beauty of the words, or because those beautiful words describe something horrible. We also need sadness to grow. And in a way I want people to feel how I have felt when I wrote those things. It’s hard to “go inside” of a child’s locked mind and to describe the daily abuse of a person who will never recover, and then move forward to that person’s grim future and try to bring in rays of light, some hope. Or, for example, Hana Bi, which tells why the main character became such an asshole to everyone and what kind of a pain or burden he carries in his heart. I want to make the bad guys look human too. They cause pain to others because they are hurt inside. Some seek for the extreme because they were never loved as a child. Some seem unable to feel anything but when they are alone they hurt themselves mentally and physically to cover the pain they feel.

Some of this is my own experience, most not, but I can feel it like it was. Those are ALL my other lives. Not much “better” than my real one, but I love them as they are. Like they were my kids. x)

I’m watching LA Ink. Too much drama for me, but now they’ve gotten over of Aubry and Liz and it seems tranquil at the moment. I don’t know how old this season is but it’s the newest I’ve seen. Makes me think that I NEED to get that P90 tattoo soon. I’m going crazy. But now I found those pics above. Gathering money is not THAT fast and easy. 30 euro per month is actually quite small amount… :/ Well next time I go to Helsinki I’m gonna see some tattoo shops and ask around how much it costs and where would be the best place. Cause I’m still fat. :/

Which brings me to the next topic: gym. Last week I was there on Monday and Wednesday and this week only on Wednesday, and tomorrow is a big day. Long and intensive workout. And why? Cause I didn’t feel anything yesterday. I was only short time there, too crowded, and did very fast and with more weight than last week, and I don’t feel anything now. Last week Thursday I was dead tired. So, adding some more weights, some more repeats, and one more round to make it three, plus warm-up and cardio after. First round is light, which means the previous medium I’ve done til now, the next two are hard and if I have time I can do a fourth somewhere in between. This 3 weeks a month and the one last will be easier, less weights, but same amount of repeats. This will be a try. I won’t make it every time but at least I try.

Math is easy, for some odd reason, the first time in my life. I found a great book to read in library, The 20th Century Guns. There are some reeeeeeeeally odd ones. I’m finally getting the “new” couch on Saturday. I brought my winter jacket to school laundry room, it’s washed next week, and the most cat piss stench is gone here. I’m finding it easier to accept myself, oddly this is improved when other people show dislike or hate. BUT it seems like I’m not going to find a job training place by myself. I only get no’s. I’m tired of it and I have to fight panic every time I think of it. I only have one week left. Right now only my babies and workout keep me alive and breathing.

Now some TV (Extreme Home Makeover) and some warm stuff to eat to finish this day. Happy weekend to everybody!

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