Every day is a fight

Vibrating waves of pale darkness

Ikatan Nuain, Ikatan Nuain,
your voice is the harp of the sea.
In the floods of darkness there is light where you go.

Ikatan Nuain, Ikatan Nuain,
your name is seagras’ whispering.
Shining corals glory your name there where you go.

Ikatan Nuain, Ikatan Nuain,
your skin is pearls’ freshness.
On the riffs shells open there where you go.

Ikatan Nuain, Ikatan Nuain,
your song is echo of the waves.
Dolphins in the whirls sing with you there where you go.

A poem I wrote in 2003, for my fantasy story. I have many poems for it but none translated to english. Oh, I found another. As html-file. Don’t remember from which year but 2003 is not a bad guess. Most of the work for this project I made between 2001 and 2009.

Drawn on the waves
the golden corns,
the purling springs.
Dark scarlet leaves waver
against the black bark rests a noble head.
Slender white lindens, lily knives, young green willows
surround the manor
where the love lives.

Forget me not!

Beautiful maid of statue leans over the pond,
in it’s clear depths
golden fishes dive.

On the green ocean a silver boat.
On sickles reflect
foamy waves,
carved maids.

Got a cough from somewhere. Which sucks. I’m going to see my parents for four days on Monday. Will come back Thursday evening. Should be able to write and draw something there.

I can’t recall when I last time wrote something here, but it’s been tough ever since. Last week almost broke my back (well, or it actually DID, but I can’t talk to anyone, so it’s a secret) and this week I had to keep a break of workout, I was just too tired and anxious. When I look into the mirror I’ve started to see someone else. I’ve started to see me. Not the empty shell I used to see. Also, in the inside, in this body I’ve started to feel myself inside of it. It brings back some lost self confidence. Right now I’m on a kind of short time rehab, trying to recover of serious energy drink & sweet stuff addiction. I know I’m gonna go buy me them again tomorrow but I’ve been off now for two whole days. Next week will also help when mum is controlling what I eat. Kind of.

Have read some really sad manga from an artist I found after long years of not knowing where to get his works. They are sometimes funny but mostly sad. But I see it a kind of good sadness. People should feel pain too. Most of them deny pain, close their eyes, walk away. It makes them cold to the world, insensitive, reckless. But you cannot run away from pain. It’ll get you, sooner or later, and the longer you deny it the more it will actually hurt, it might even destroy your life if you think you’re too good to feel it.

I’ve been tired about school, why bother when I get yelled at there anyway? Being treated like shit has brought stress, anxiety, anger. Yesterday I got a nice card from a fellow student. It’s pretty, and made with love. She made one for everyone. But I can’t keep it here in a place where I read it all the time. It says not to stress about trying to be perfect. It’s too nice. It hurts. I’m more used to people just being mean or not caring, I can’t handle friendliness. It’s been like this for soon 10 years. I can’t accept help, care, friendliness from anyone. I have not earned anything like that and I feel I’m better off without them. Well, I also have not accepted this odd feeling as my own, for many years, but the last years have shown that I’m exactly as tainted as Billy. I can’t become him or let him take over of my life, but I can accept the fact that we are the same kind. I might even have some fun one day. … And all this has now started to give alarming signs. I have dreams. I don’t know if I hate them, cause in the dream I love what’s happening, even when it’s SO WRONG and horrible. During the day I’m stressed when I have to remember it. I think is THAT what I truly WANT? It can’t be. And then again in a twisted way it is. Not exactly like in the dream, they are just a way to show how much I want to be hated and mistreated.

That anger is giving fuel for destructive plans again. Kidnapping a child, traveling somewhere far with him and killing him after several days of torture. I think again that sort of stuff being my fate.

Yesterday when I was playing Fallout I saw again my “real dad” die in that one mission where the character’s dad dies. Meanwhile I have created a stronger bond to James than I have had to my real dad EVER. Since 20 years I’ve been kind of no more connected to my biological family. They feel distant and I have little or no feelings for them. I have my own world where I was safe when there was no safety or warmth provided by my family. After the hell I’ve been through I have thought nothing can hurt me anymore, but seeing James die in the game hurts me. I miss him and wanna start the game anew just to feel connected with a parent.

Today I had a cuddle moment with my kitty. I’m happy I have him and such moments strengthen our bond. He’s my family now. Sleeping with my guns next to me strengthens that bond. They are my family too. When I see a friend on Facebook tell me he loves me it makes something break inside of me. How should I tell him I can’t feel like he does? He can be a friend, nothing more. I can have sex with him but there’ll be no feeling of love.

Might seem pretty sad to admit I don’t want anyone to be nice to me. But it’s better that way. People don’t understand anyway, people don’t accept that hurting someone could also be the same than loving someone. I get more out of hate than love. I’m so used to fear that it’s just more familiar. And nowadays when someone says they love me or I’m sexy or beautiful I just get a fear so strong it almost causes a panic attack. I don’t wanna hear those words. They are not true. I know it and those people know it. I don’t understand why people always need to lie.

I’m often being told I see things too black and white. I don’t think so by myself. I rather see everything too greyscale. I’m strict to myself cause no-one else will and if something goes wrong I need to punish myself not to fail next time. I also expect at least SOME common sense and intelligence from other people, and those without even a few braincells get the stamp of idiot – like it’s right. Why the hell should I accept every stupid excuse when the answer clearly is their stupidity? There are a giant mass of people who have no rules in their life. They don’t wait anything from themselves, nor set any goals in their lives. Some do it because of stupidity, most because of laziness. Why should I like them? They are crap. Why should I treat them like a kind when they don’t even realize they’re wasting their lives?

Need a break. Being with my parents is not one, but I get away from here. Visiting them is a duty. Of course it’s beneficial too, I get free food and get to be the center of attention for four days. :/

Those dreams don’t give me peace. I’m not the person I was in them. I’m not that whore. That part that the real me has of all that disgusting shit is of tiny bit different nature. In reality I have control over myself, and the situations. Whatever will happen when “letting go” it will not be out of control. Ever. I know what I’m doing, what I can and cannot. I’m not looking for a steady relationship anymore.

This week I made a new email-addresse and a new Facebook account. As the person I am now. I’m no more the one who started this blog as Sitamar. I have no connection to that name, so I’ll update my account here. The blog’s name is not going to change but I might need to start a new one later. For now, I’ll stay here. It’s been a long way to this point. Right now I need some rest, maybe need to change my plans a little, but anyway I will be continuing this path and wish that someday rather sooner than later my physical appearance will also be more matching to the person inside.

Now I need to get something to eat or I’ll collapse. Be back next week or so. Have a nice weekend!

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