Every day is a fight

The night follows

Again a crappy day behind me. Had that math test. Went OK I guess, only few questions I knew no answer – those that I should have learned the past two weeks but I did nothing so it’s a mystery. Next week starting the second course and I will have to do all the stuff in the book, not as if it was required if I pass the test, but I just have to do this well. Physics is almost done, next week beginning with chemistry. Oh, just remembered I’m not there next Wednesday: I take part to a working safety course that takes all day from 8AM to 4PM. Great. Again mailing teachers…

I will be moving to a new blog some day soon. No clue yet what it will be called.

Watched third last episode of the first season of NY Ink. Every time I think it’s too much drama for me but I always watch it again.

Got this fear stuck in my gut since yesterday… We made some work as pairs and I was total asshole all day, talked so much shit it’s unreal and ignored my pair completely and made the work in 10 mins alone. :P Got the shock of the week when I saved some pics from Google search for the project and went to look for them and opened wrong folder in which I had saved some pics of guns (and I should not save private stuff in school network OR view that kind of material while being in school) and my partner saw the thumbnails. I thought “shit now I’m in trouble again”. On next break I sent those pics to myself in email and removed them from my folder. Seems I’m quite unable to learn from my mistakes…

Then school ended and me ended in Facebook & “that material” sites again before leaving to go meet the social worker . Went there after being frozen in icy wind waiting for bus #1 and #2, and HUNGRY, and talked my soul out. Feel much lighter, but that fucking fear… It’s crushing me. #1: that I don’t have enough money for the final surgery and continuing treatment. #2: I won’t be able to travel/move to some countries even after successful treatment. There are countries that don’t let transsexual people in. Need to inform myself because that could crush my dreams, so I need to have a plan B, C and D too. So, not gonna travel anywhere next Christmas like I planned. And no new toys either. I will continue saving money, hoping to find out soon how much I’ll need, and I really wish to get this diagnose and have a chance to live life as that person I truly am. Whatever will be, I never stop dreaming.

We had some sport today, we played a game like floorball but with bats that look like Q-tip. They were too short and my back hurts so much I couldn’t do much, but it was lots of fun. My team (blue) won 6-4. ^^ The application forms are sent now, but in the end I had only few choices, which sucks, but at least three of them are metalwork. First was metal artisan and one is in a school for retards like me who have challenges in life. Would be nice to get there because they can adjust the study plan to fit my goals and not to make it too hard (or too easy). The next four weeks I need to do a lot to finish all the extra courses I took. It’s not difficult, I’m just so tired most days…

Today walking back and forth between the two school buildings I thought again that I would love to wear some sort of body armor if I had one. Clothes suck. Yeah it’s a problem to me how I look like so I’d love to hide myself. Should start going to gym again. I’ll try. Maybe on Friday? At least I don’t need to wear anything “fine” or “special” at Easter, even if we visit grandma. It’s just the four of us. My brother is visiting Minsk during the holidays. My sister makes a cake for us and I should bring something too. I’ll think about it tomorrow when I get money again. Maybe a lasagne with smoked salmon and pesto. Cause I have self made pesto that should be eaten soon. And that food is always tasty.

Wah, no new toys… I had set my mind on a new family member already. And the rest of us too. They’ve been asking who will it be. MP7 or KRISS.. The former I think, and as AEG version because I’m really not comfortable with gas. Of course, it’s completely safe etc. but I’m not in the state of mind, will or economy to expand to different kinds of operating systems. Maybe never will be. There’s a to-do list long enough. I WANT to be able to take part in games too BUT right now I’m not in the physical condition to hold it through, I have no protection (and there’s that certain kind I want that’s fucking expensive, and because I will be using different kinds of primary weapon they need different sorts of mag pouches and stuff – P90 mags are long and rather uncomfortable to carry around… You get the point, it’ll be a long way to perfection) and my guns are missing some crucial attachments and everything costs money which I don’t always have. The money I save on my second account is meant for multiple things and it doesn’t just appear there out of nothing. Building up a financial back-up is slow and if something unexpected happens I might need to use all of that very suddenly.

Well I should go to sleep. Gonna be a long day tomorrow too. Need to bring Maru out for a walk before bed. Should have cleaned up this mess, tomorrow comes the controller, but had no time or was too exhausted and the house is full of cat piss, cat food and food gone bad and endless mountains of rubbish on every table and on sleeping corner floor. I can try do something tomorrow after school in that a bit more than one hour I have left. Good nite!

2 Responses to “The night follows”

  1. Hey! Thought I’d stop by and see how everything was going :) I know I have those off days as well. Those days where you just don’t want to talk to anybody. But like all other things, they pass too, right? Haha, oh well that homemade pesto sounds really good about now. Hope you had an awesome Easter too, by the way :D

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