Every day is a fight

Be true. Be you.

Gah, can’t remember what slogan that was. Something stupid for sure.

This song describes my current state good. Being stuck. Nothing happens. I do nothing to change things.

Well I try to do something now. Staying once again awake all night is not part of that, but cleaning is. And gradually changing my eating habits that are miserable at the moment. I’m getting help too. I’m not letting this pull me even more down.

What comes to “coming out” it’s hard. After 20 years of silence people don’t believe me. Can’t blame them… I only use my “new” name online for now. In internet I have no body that ties me to the ground or one place. I can let myself be free the only way it’s possible. When I’m out people stare at me because the clothes I wear and the way I walk and act that does not fit my female appearance. :/ Makes me sad. I don’t want to go out but I just close myself from what’s outside. When I’m there I’m cold and careless to the point of being reckless and rude. I close all other people out. Never let anyone in, how friendly they ever are. When faced with sudden serious situations I try to turn them to something funny. I’m the one telling jokes in the class, finding something funny in every situation. I’m good at faking sympathy and because I lived so long in a country with lively discussion culture I make a lively discussion partner. I can smile happily and express sympathy on my face, but I do not feel it. It’s all really superficial. I never talk about anything that means something to me or what I’m interested in. I’ve said this before. There’s a gap the size of a canyon between me and others.

When coming home from holiday with my sister we talked about things in train. She said again that we are like from different planets. My world is completely strange to her, and I find nothing to relate to in hers. It’s kinda sad, as we used to be so close long time ago. But people change.

She doesn’t really believe – yet – that what I feel is real and that this has been with me for so long. She, and many others, try to convince me I should just accept myself the way I am and find some way of compromise, be happy in this body that “was given” to me. Those people are not religious of my knowing, but what they are saying is just like “God gave you the body of a woman and you should love and respect it and never feel like it’s wrong because you were born to look like a woman so you should be a woman and that’s it”. Like “being born a certain way” would be the same as life sentence in prison, or death penalty, and people just have to deal with it. Well I don’t want to live if I have to live this way, trying to compromise forever and always feel like something is really wrong with me, in worst situation forcing myself to be in a relationship that is hurting me just because of “accepting the body I was given” etc. Fuck that. THAT is a death penalty for me. I put a bullet in my head myself if that’s what people need to finally understand what this condition is about. This makes me mad.

New look and a Facebook ad if someone wants to visit me there. That is not my real official name. I still have my old account but am not updating it anymore.


(An abandoned mill in Italy)

My internet just died. But no worries, I have the mobile stick connected, just need to shut it on. Router will be back after I let the computer rest some time. That is, during tomorrow night’s sleep. I can soon see the outlines of the trees. Time to stop sitting here and do something. At least – as the last survivor of the lately bad luck – I can still play cassettes on my ooooold beatbox. Too bad I can’t take it anywhere with me, it needs giant batteries, 8 of them, and doesn’t last longer than an hour or so with them. And it’s heavy. And big. I think I will have to buy a fucking iPhone. x( Maybe old versions can still be bought, cheaper than the newest shit. But iPhone is so gay!! xP Everything “i” has SWAGFAG written all over it. On Monday we’re making film with iPads in school. That whole project sucks major ass. It’s about how art is present in the school and includes interviewing people and we will be filmed too. Can I wear sunglasses? Well I already signed that stupid paper but I can try to be as little as possible in the picture. Nobody has ever wanted to keep any photos with me in them so I guess that won’t be much of a problem. In editing they’ll cut me out anyway. :/ In a way I’ve always found that disturbing and insulting even, but I’m butt ugly, that’s the truth. I look like someone smashed my face to a wall when I was a kid. :/ That’s why I get really bothered when people call me beautiful (or talk shit about how “everyone is beautiful” or “beauty is in the inside”) or give me compliments that are clearly baseless. I’m not beautiful even as a plain soul. I’m rugged, sharp around the edges, full of dents and dirt.

Why don’t people make compliments about the real things, like how good I write, or lie, or fake sympathy? I don’t know, I’d probably be bothered by that too. :/

I think I’m only good at failing, avoiding chores and playing Fallout New Vegas. O_o Cause that’s what I mostly do. But now I’ll have to clean up a little before continuing with that. Picking up trash and maybe cleaning the fridge. It’s been for weeks in a horrible state. No safe place to store food because it’s full of food gone bad and the shit that they have made, mostly that one liquified cucumber, and there’s some reeeaaaaallllly old sushi in a box. Would throw that away but there’s a soy dish inside that I need to take out. Aww that’ll be a smell… Dx Plastic gloves, mask or scarf to give some face protection – never know what will JUMP out of there – and doing it in the bathroom where I can quickly flush away the smelly stuff. Hah, I have protection glasses somewhere. They come in handy. I DON’T WANT THAT STUFF IN MY EYES!! Fridge surgeon…

And I know just the right chems to fuel the clean up. I don’t know does any normal person know the feeling of being stuck in a mess and not being able to start cleaning it without drugs? Oh well I’ll need some Jet, and some Psycho, and a little bit Med-X to go niiiiice and slow, and flush it all down with Battery & Nuka Cola……. TTFN

Baaaa I just looked outside and the fucking snow is still there! Dx

2 Responses to “Be true. Be you.”

  1. Love the title. Oh my gosh, that picture of the abandoned mill reminds me of the one’s of Pripyat. I’d love to go to some beautiful abandoned place like that. I read your most recent post and it sounds like you’re just having a horrible week! I guess you got to take the good with the bad eh? It’s still snowing here as well. You would think it would be warmer considering it’s almost May now…but oh well. I’ll just have to try and enjoy it before it starts getting ridiculously hot. Anyways hope things are going well! I see you changed the layout of your blog, it looks sweet!

    • Pripyat is a beautiful place. I love places like that… It’s like some modern day discovery when there are no more new unknown lands but only destroyed ones. Last year on Easter my brother was in Tchernobyl. I have seen a documentary of it where they filmed it in winter and spring. Amazing landscapes. Scattered around the former Yugoslavia are war memorials made of concrete, destroyed partly by weather and people, full of graffiti but still standing futuristic magnificent. The Old World that was there before us. Here all cities were once full of wooden houses that were ripped down. I don’t really like wooden houses but that kind of behavior of destroying our past and our history can’t be good. It’s like people trying to deny death and it’s existence. It’s there, just like life, it doesn’t go away whatever we do. People destroy old buildings, even cities to “make progress” – how long until they do it to graveyards? Indeed, they are already doing it. Your grave exists as long as your relatives pay for it, then it’s “recycled”. Disgusting. Taking away the dignity of dead people and in the end the whole civilization.

      I’m sorry for the last post, I seemed to have bad days all the time this spring, crowned by burn-out. I always complain about them but it’s not that serious. And sorry for this late answer, I should visit my blog more often. Just made me some white tea with peppermint, try to write a bit something. Thanks for your comment, you’re always welcome! :)

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