Every day is a fight

I watched you fall

No energy for any extras. I got the best grade (3) from physics, and 2 of the first course of math, but there’s whole lot to do before retiring to summer holiday.

It turns out I’m not allowed to continue in the group I’m in now. Because I was missing 3 times. I didn’t know until today when I read my email, and need to talk about it tomorrow, and I was there on Monday, yesterday afternoon and today and nobody said anything about me not being supposed to be there. Well, if I can’t finish that I will most likely fail to complete my original course, and not graduate. On Sunday I found out I will have to pay 50euro extra for living in this shithole, for the services I’m NOT USING!! And TODAY CAME THE BILL FOR 2 MONTHS, 100euro, plus that 100 for March and April which comes soon, means 200euro EXTRA, which is ALL of my money that is left after paying bills. NO FOOD, CAT FOOD ETC. BEGINNING 1.5. You guess I’m mad. More than just a bit. Dx

Then, my back broke today so badly I can’t stand or walk anymore. Couldn’t get cat litter, can’t go get my secondary PC tomorrow (have to give it up) cause can’t carry it home. Biting my teeth so bad they hurt all the time, and the broken one too. It should be removed but that only goes with surgery and I can’t afford that. I can’t afford cat surgery either. Sorry Maru, you must keep your balls til I have gathered a bit more xtra. I wanted to give myself a bigger cheering up present to celebrate the good economic situation finally achieved, and spring, and good grades and school ending soon – but nothing there. Investment of 40+85 euro. Fun for a year with some extra costs. Nope. *SIGH* That was the main reason I went on a caffeine break (and didn’t drink any in two days O_o) but now… Why care? My hands can shake for whole summer for all I care as long as I get my math done and I don’t care if summer begins with a fall to depression. It hurts cause it was something I was waiting for a long while, and finally it was The Time, and then some dumb lazy bitches take my money I could have put to a good use.

Can’t even be happy about the good grades now. I got them without doing much of anything. Instead of 6 weeks I needed FIFTEEN (15) weeks for physics, and got the second best grade for math with LUCK and manipulation but minimal work. That’s how it feels. And I’m tired.

I’d just like to cuddle with someone in the bed and close the world outside. I have no energy to support anyone else right now. I left a friend alone. He’s whining about everything, a real attention whore, and he DOES get the attention but never learns anything. Sometimes I feel I have no friends at all. Just people who are trying to abuse me. Actually, I got this feeling more than often. I already let Billy fall on weekend. It was bad. I should have given him some energy, but I had none for myself either. I wouldn’t care about anyone or anything as long as he’s safe, but in this case he’s not. He’s never safe unless I take care of him. When I say my family has 5 members it’s not true, he’s part of my family too. I don’t see him a part of myself that much. I have 6 black holes to feed with energy, love and care. And money. And their little friends all over… When I see them, I can feel them crying to me. They want me to go see them, hold them, take them home with me. Even through TV! They don’t even need to open their mouths physically. If I had no self control I’d fill my house with kitties and guns in just a year!

Billy has been with me since forever. Over 20 years. Longer than anyone else. He was there before I met Oni. Now I’m just a step away from actually owning Oni. I’m gonna fight for him. And I’m gonna fight for my dreams. I tell this once again in case you forgot. To have no money right now will just slow me down. Tomorrow there’s no school so I’m calling around again this time trying to complain about the 50euro/month to those who made the decision. How the fuck did they count it? Last year we had the same thing and what I “earn” hasn’t changed significantly since then. Maybe I should go talk to our house director before stressing about calling around. She can help me for sure, but I need to clear this tomorrow cause if I need to send a form or something it needs to be there before 19th April. Goddamn offices.

Tomorrow I have a meeting with the social worker again. I don’t know what to say. That I was too afraid to talk honestly with my parents? One thing’s for sure, I want to bring it on now, let’s get to action and try to get sent to the examination. I need a sparkle of hope now. At least from some direction. Maybe it would help me get forward with more sport. Got an appointment to doctor because of my back in two weeks. Hopefully that too will get further and I will get rid of that problem.

It’s wrong to wish bad things for other people but I do. I wish that friend in FB will crush hard enough to finally open his eyes to take a hold of his own life and stop wasting everyone else’s time whining and bitching about every tiny thing that goes wrong. No-one else can do it for him, only he can make something out of his life. Til now he’s just partying and living off someone else’s money. Had a job but quit because it wasn’t GOOD ENOUGH, but doesn’t have any education to get a better one and doesn’t wanna finish school because it’s boring. Great. Really a stereotype of the youth today. And someone said stereotypes don’t exist. Pffft.

So why try and fake I care anymore. I should care for the ones that MEAN something to me instead. I should clean up my place to get Maru home, and talk with my guns more and keep the practice alive, and provide some help for Billy. He’s gonna ruin his life this way. I’m not putting any pressure on him because he too should realize what is the most important thing in his life. He actually helped me to find mine, it’s right to return the favor. I realize I have been putting that stress on him, but I have to let go of some things in his life too. I can’t control everything and everyone. He has someone he loves, and although his way to feel love is extreme unstable it’s something worth keeping alive. Maybe that certain instability in his life is what has kept our connection this good. I’m never bored with him. Maybe, in that instability, he could find something worth keeping, that something he’s been looking for. Actually, I think we already DID find that something. Now, at some of these moments, there was a sparkle of something that seemed to be long lost. Turns out it was always out there – waiting.

I watched you fall. And I felt your pain. But I was paralyzed.

Behind your back I saw a light. It shone brighter than bright. A sparkle of something left behind.

Waiting for us all these years. For it we wasted many bitter tears. And it was never lost.

A long hallway through the eye of a needle. I made a hole in the wall. Now you can see it too.

Sing, for we are blessed to catch the feel of the purest light. In the moments of dark. We never fear, we are never lost.

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