Every day is a fight


Seed told me last week that my current problems might be caused by me letting myself get out of trouble too easily. I just seek immediate comfort and pleasure that got me hooked on sugar in the first place. Some other post I explained he doesn’t really talk, he just reflects the chaos in my head as logic thought. After that I’ve considered what he said and realized I really have it too easy. To reach my dreams doesn’t become reality if I’m stuck in the comfort loop. Last night half-asleep I also found that those small thought or movement mazes I get caught in often also keep me from seeing clearly. I get stuck moving my fingers in a certain pattern – forever. Seems to be hard to get out of it. I draw a certain circle of lines with a finger, in air or on a surface, forever. Often it’s similar to the symbol of infinity, the number 8 in horizontal position. When stressed those get worse. And the other stuff, hurting myself in small ways like scratching or pulling hair. At times I realize it’s pointless and harming my complete life, and try to get out of those mazes.

Yesterday I realized how important it is to learn to stand discomfort. Discomfort brings eerie peace. Like cutting my arms before. But I don’t want to do that anymore. There are other ways to cause a steady amount of discomfort and learn to live with it. So I start a training program on discomfort. Everyday I’m surrounded by people and it’s making me feel horrible. I love my study, I love machines and to work, but I hate those other people. I get along with some, but for the rest I just feel I’m a nuisance to them and they must hate to see me or talk to me. It causes me to alienate and isolate myself from them. I need to learn to bear psychological discomfort but I start with easy physical one. I found a way.

It was years ago. I was young and crazy. I liked to try things in bed. I was with J or my ex. J liked the same things than I. He took everything and gave nothing. That time I had no own will, not yet. Been through leather, chains, latex and net clothing. In the divorce my ex dumped all the chaining stuff on me. My heavy steel chains got lost somewhere, (I miss them) but got collars etc. Perfect discomfort, but I didn’t expect to face this kind of fear.

Laid in my bed in fetus position. Remembered the words of a game character about the slave collars, so tight they feel them every time they swallow, everytime they move their heads, remember whom they belong. I couldn’t sleep, the leather sinking deep into my neck. Not hurting, but… I started to feel infinite fear. Strong, cold, heavy. I was super tired but couldn’t fall asleep, the fear, the feel everytime I swallow it cuts deeper. Then I realized I wasn’t alone. Someone was there, behind me. Someone strong. Someone from the future. “You’re good boy Billy” he said and I knew I was safe. I wasn’t afraid to face the fear and I felt stronger. I don’t mind the hand cuffs, it feels like he has strings attached to me, but right now I rather go without the collar coz I already feel shitty and one night fear and nightmares is bad enough. I have not been able to rest a single minute since three days now. I can stand the discomfort on my wrists and I can try my best to cut the loops and mazes before they suck me in… But…

I just want to be alone, see no-one and study and work alone. I’m happy with my machines, I have plans, I plan my final work already and other products, I love to be in school, I just can’t stand to be seen by other people. Kids that are full of themselves and think (do they?) that it’s uncool to ask questions in class. I’m almost the only one doing that. Some of the older students do it now since a couple of days but I feel I never fit in. I don’t belong to the same world with them. That causes me giant amounts of stress each day. It’s the reason that’s making me feel so drained each day.

Last night I dreamt of grandma. The strong feeling of painful degradation and everything being my fault. That it’s my fault she died. It was my fault that my youngest uncle got divorced, it is my fault that mum and dad fight and yell at me, it’s my fault. Other people in school hate me and wish I’d die and can’t stand seeing me there every day. If they fail to graduate it’s my fault too. It’s my fault that my grandpa died and my other grandma died 2004. My fault that dad is alcoholic and has no money. And wants to kill himself. I should be happy they let me live. I have no right to wish for a nice life and happiness. It’s nothing for me coz I have not earned it. Everyone would be happier if I died. Don’t come telling me different. I’ve had enough of people lying to me. Just say it as it is. If you want me to  get the hell out of your life then fucking SAY IT.

I’ll now listen to some music. It’s ok to feel fear I guess. That’s a suitable punishment for being here and living.

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