Every day is a fight


How that word can have two meanings. It’s fall here, all trees have all shades of yellow and red and rust leaves, those leaves litter the streets, the air smells fresh and wet, like forest and fields and parks and wet sand. Drops of water fall but they wither away as soon as they started. Night makes the landscape glitter, trees move in soft wind, the only cold inside my heart.

I need to leave this place. Permanently.

This past week’s been hell on earth. Strong psychotic symptoms, strong paranoia, anger issues, tired, nightmares. Last night I had one extreme good dream followed by two extreme bad. Got appointment to doctor in 3 weeks, damn. I wished to see her this week. I’m on sedatives now, all the time, to survive day by day. I’ve not hurt myself. I did last week for my Tumblr blog, but the past few days have shown the people there are pathetic, hypocritical, pretending jerkwads. I don’t wish to go back there in a while. On Sunday I’m going to see my parents. I don’t know yet how I’m gonna survive that. I’ve been in Tumblr too much and it has worsened my condition. But I can’t say no anymore. They have no replacement for me.

Feeling this bad makes me wanna start drinking again. I have vodka and had couple of drinks last weekend. Didn’t really help. I wanna leave and not come back in a few years. Was looking for apartments again today and sent some contact infos but the good (and cheap) ones don’t allow animals and the rest don’t do a shit to help my money problems – rather make them bigger. Even when each of them shortens my school way to half. Made me feel a bit better, that search, for a while.

It’s this weather, this season of darkness and decay. Each year it gets worse. But I’ve not had a depression like this in a long while. So, it makes me wish even more I could just leave and travel somewhere where I don’t need to worry about anything. But I don’t have money, and after I bought this nice warm sport jacket yesterday (?) I’m officially broke again. It lightens my dressing problems in every day life but also lightened my wallet whole lot.

Sometimes I miss I had someone… Someone who’d understand, have similar lifestyle, feel what I feel. Someone to take crazy spontaneous trips with, go hunting (in it’s both meanings), live at night, watch the city lights and feel those millions of pulsating lives at our feet… When it’s this season I always get this same feeling, longing, craving. Like there was something I never had, or something I lost. Something missing in my life but I can’t figure out what it could be or are my feelings real. Such need. To feel those pulsating lives, under my hands, to feel the life leave their bodies and share that feeling with somebody who feels the same. I can see and feel that in my mind, even now when I can barely think straight and all my movements are damped by meds and I feel like someone put me in a giant bowl of jelly. My head never stops. And those pictures are always in there.

And the violent thoughts as well. I’m just too numb/tired/slowmotion to act out on anything. Need to stop now and go eat something. I’ve barely eaten anything good, or enough, the past week. This week I’ve been at home, there’s no using machines in this state. Yesterday I tried to cut Maru’s toenails. I got 2 before he mauled my hands so bad I couldn’t try anymore. My right hand got it pretty bad. It hurts now and the cuts are deep and painful. But he was just defending himself against an unknown threat. Acting like an animal. Can’t blame him. Rather my own stupidity to try with catching him. :/ And an hour later he had forgotten it all and came to sit on my lap and rub his head against my injured hand. No harm done to him, I never did anything that might’ve hurt him, but using a towel to cover and bind him wasn’t so bright.


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