Every day is a fight

Your house is your garden.

In which you cultivate your feelings and what you give to others and yourself. If you feed your garden with good karma it’ll flourish and bloom and everyone will love to visit you and be your friend. If you feed it with bad karma it’ll suck out your life energy and disturb or scare visitors.

I went to school for nothing. No lessons because first aid course which I do not make this year. It costs a sum I cannot spare right now and free days are welcome. Tomorrow is free too. Although I’m not really sure it is, cause as far as I remember not everyone would make the course and so the rest would have normal lessons, but then I just won’t be there, so what. This weekend will be super busy. On Saturday my sister’s B-day, I’ll make sushi for me and the guests. Dad will buy her wine or champagne tomorrow, from me. He’ll then be at my brother’s to take lessons to use his new 500 euro digicam. On Sunday I will have to get Maru home. Cause next week will be busy again. I might make some extra hours on Monday afternoon cause on Tuesday we’ll miss an hour because of police lecture about health issues or something. Probably drugs. And on Tuesday afternoon I have a meeting with my contact at the sexual identity clinic. On Wednesday I have a meeting with my doctor and psychologist then, in the morning so I’ll miss that day’s 2 lessons also.

Talked this week with my class teacher and two others about the countless times I’ve not been on their lessons. I’ll catch up, I feel better now, and they understand the reasons why I’ve been sick at home. Will have to try and avoid stress as much as possible for not to fall back again. At least I know how to motivate myself: just need to flip open my wallet and look at the pics of guns there, or check my cell for more of them, and think about what I really want from my life, and back to my feet I am. :)

Yesterday evening I had a good long talk with Seed and it has put my mind at the ease now. I was much more confident and stress free today. Also slept better, although with nightmares like since weeks already.

We have not healed. Me and Billy. We still hurt like always and it disturbs our lives. I went through this with Seed once again. In my core is so much pain that was caused by other people long before Billy was there to help me make it through each day. Long before I had anything or anyone to turn to, no-one to trust, and each day was hell on earth. It started because I faced the deep buried fear of being hurt since a long long time. I saw things from a victim’s point of view. It’s been long since the last time. Very long indeed. Things I heard in school (kids talking about dangerous thoughts, about school shootings, depressive looking kids) suddenly made me feel I might be in danger, and it triggered the victim’s point of view. It’s about the only feeling that really punches through all my defenses and wakes up the fear inside. It showed me what causes Billy’s behavior. And I know even if I do not show those symptoms openly they ARE a part of me. They are my thoughts. I’ve always used him to express such emotions and desires I can’t do in my real body. He’s my mirror picture. He felt sick when he saw the work of his hands on those he made sick and whom he mistreated. But it was not really seeing things from his victims’ point of view. If yes he would have not continued to mistreat those close to him. Long time ago that feeling made me take swift distance of something that’s still very strong and alive in me but what I have to suppress in order to be safe. He was a way for me to act out upon those desires, a safe way to do so and I wouldn’t feel guilty because it wasn’t real. I never let go of “that thing” but I erased it from my real life, cleaned my computer, burnt stuff. It’s something I will never act upon. Once I’ve said to someone I would, if I was a man. But even if I do transform in the end of this process I WILL NOT act upon it. Just as the desire to kill. I have it, but I don’t need to give it the lead in my life.

Upon the realization of these feelings, and the pain, Seed made me promise I’ll protect myself better from now on. Brutal honesty and being open to people is a form of self destruction, and I am fighting to live without it. My core was mistreated, hurt in so many ways I do not know how it is to live without fear and abuse. I blocked it all to have at least a tiny bit control of my life, but I let Billy act. I never held him back. And he hurt many. And himself. And I hurt him, and us both, and I used him as an excuse to hurt myself. (For example, if I guessed something right I got a reward (bottle of vodka), and if he guessed right he got the reward (also a bottle of vodka), so, each way we had the bottle in the end, and we drank it. And the game went on and on and on.) I have appeared like I had a split personality sometimes because our lives were so different, and I only let him “out” when I was alone. But all the feelings he felt and I blocked and the violence and aggressivity and murderous plans were in me, and at some point I started to slowly lose control. I lashed out quick, short and violent. I hurt someone. It took maybe a second, maybe two, before I got the control back.

It was really seeing red. Heavy drinking and destructive lifestyle probably triggered my disorder. I don’t have those things anymore. I have good medication that helps me, and I got a better perspective, I don’t drink anymore, I have a goal in life. Things are well. But we are not healed. The core is still bleeding and a dark cloud of fear covers it. Seed told me I will have to accept that I have that core, and it is something that was there long before he was even created. He said something like Yoda would say, and he made that joke that Yoda was there even before he was created and I would listen to Yoda. I told him I listen to him too, cause all he says is true. I will try to accept my core. It’s sensitive in there. Most things that should do good are like salt to the open wounds. Things Billy has done might have hurt me inside even when I was somehow fooled by my hatred to think they were soothing the pain. I let him act upon each and every thing I couldn’t do and there are such that are not meant to be done if a person wants to live happy and productive life. Things, and it makes it way worse to know those things are part of me, that have an extreme destructive effect on all social contacts and that twist my view of other people. I have been blinded by hate for so long.

On the other side I don’t think forgiving those people who hurt me will do any good. It would be accepting I was wrong. I was not wrong, I just didn’t realize I did the wrong things to help myself. Healing doesn’t mean the hurt never existed, it means the hurt will no longer control your life. They did wrong, but it doesn’t matter anymore. They did not know of better. Don’t take these words as forgiveness for they aren’t that. I will never forgive, but I can learn to forget, give it up.

I will still have all the bad things inside. To protect myself I will – at least for now – have to reduce the grade of openness with which I deal with people. Last night I felt pretty bad, or not bad but odd. Always when I think I should protect myself I feel like I’m protecting a criminal. I view myself as a criminal, have done for very long already. I should give up that. See myself rather as a container. For things that would make someone weaker act upon those dark desires. But I’m strong and I can take a hold of my life without letting myself become a serial killer and sink into the red thirst so deep it can’t be stopped anymore. I have already, in quite a short time, managed to turn my unhealthy addiction to firearms to a healthy one that gives me energy and motivates me whenever I feel like I wanna quit and just stay home in bed. Guns can do good. They have given me hope and a future. They are the guiding stars in my life now, the glorious P90 shining brightest (ugh, that was a bit too much, Seed will have a word with me for saying that XD). Even when I must now be happy with the substitute airsoft guns, I know they can and will take me much further if I let them guide and just trust life.

So, from the psychotic teenager who wanted to acquire a gun and kill someone before turning 18 I’ve grown to an adult who thinks, acts and dreams realistically. I’m now more focused than ever before, I learn almost anything really quick, I speak three languages fluently, have confidence to go to school and have plans to live and work abroad. There are moments when fear and rage blind me again, but I have trust that those times are over one day. I’ve just recovered from a 3-week depression. I felt miserable but it’s over now.

And, as Seed told me to make a list for each room here what I would like to change to make it better, I will start with sleeping corner and it will get some color to make it look friendlier. First was to acknowledge what was wrong in it. He’s such a great help. He was happy to talk with me. I’ve blocked him for really long. My brain has been too preoccupied with fighting stress by flooding my head with useless crap. Need to do some concentration exercise again. Now some food and going to sleep. Have to get something from post tomorrow and buy the fish and veggies for the sushi.

As an extra, a couple words of wisdom I thought about some days ago (translated from German, so might sound odd):

“The mankind rushes towards its end: while trying to evolve ever faster it will abort itself at it’s own rebirth.”

“Life is not a race or competition. Those who understand this live the longest.”

// Have a nice weekend!

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