Every day is a fight

Hanging on

Stomach hurts cause I fear the holiday. Have my defenses all up and ready for fighting. At least my biggest present made it half way today. I wished I had it with me tomorrow but can’t help the situation.

Been sicker than in years for a couple of weeks. Felt like I’m never getting better. But think I found out why and eliminated the reason. Since Wednesday it’s been better, I can eat anything I want again and don’t feel sick and have energy to stay awake and do stuff.

Right now the main stress is yes meeting my family, but also because I’m torn in two directions, what I really want, and trying to stay civilized and be nice to people. It’s burning me from inside and making me really angry. I have already stress-based allergic reactions and these tiny hard knobs under the skin on my hands and feet. It’s pure stress. Never have it normally. It first appeared when I had my right ankle injured in 2006 and couldn’t walk in weeks, and almost went nuts cause I had mania and couldn’t move. The symptoms are same now too. I’m going nuts in my head, one for having been sick and in bed for weeks, second is stress, third is the asshole in me, fourth my body…and so on.

I wished we at least had some snow. But it’s just rain and warm. Whatever. This post is not worth shit. Need some food and meds but I can’t suppress myself forever. I don’t know how I could let myself be me, ever. Like everything I want is on collision course with everything other people think is well and good and nobody understands the pressure I feel inside. It’s not controlling anger. I know how to do that. It’s me. If I let myself be me I’m locked away by others. There’s no freedom in this fucking world. THAT is what causes the anger in the first place.

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