Every day is a fight

Fashion dolls

This has been brooding for a while. Been too busy and tired to update either one, this or Darkness Over Day.

There are those rare moments when you realize something about your being, something that then seems so obvious. Today I thought about the time when I was little and when I for some reason hated my grandma. She was singing to herself while cooking or cleaning and I deeply disliked that. I didn’t know why and having those strong feelings of hate and repulsion made me confused and sad because grandma was a sweet, caring person who never would have hurt anyone and she treated me and my siblings well, even better than our mum, her daughter. I have been missing her very much lately, and grandpa too, and thinking about them. I have not even had the chance to visit their grave where they now lay side by side. Why would I hate someone who loved me so much? Why would I want to abuse someone who was so nice to me? Yet I did. Lately I just seem to notice that I’ve been manipulative already as a kid. I realize mum said all those bad things of me because they are true. That she was so mean to me because I deserved it and it was the punishment for being an asshole. The punishments didn’t seem to make sense back then, I didn’t understand why she was so mean but now it all becomes clear.

After having those thoughts I put up some K-pop because haven’t listened to that since forever and have been missing those happy fashion dolls. Yeah, dolls. Their puppetmaster, the producer, is pulling their strings, dressing them up, making them move like he wants. They become idols but none of them is irreplaceable. With just the snap of his fingers the puppetmaster changes their outfit, and also the members of the group. If someone says something wrong, even looks wrong, doesn’t smile, posts something negative or serious in her tweet – snap, and gone is she, replaced with another idol from the factory, another doll.

The cruelty of the music industry is not the most shocking matter. It’s the fact that there are people, like me, who enjoy that style of music because these girls are like dolls. Even the replaceability becomes something positive. You can do that to dolls. They are not human. These girls are modern slaves and the very idea you could do anything and they wouldn’t resist is very very attractive. I should feel sad and confused like when I noticed I hated my grandma and wanted her to die, but I don’t feel anything. I let the fashion dolls entertain me without any feelings of guilt or shame because this world made me cold. It made me strong, but cold. I learned to handle the confusion and sadness by covering them with hate. If there was nothing to hate I searched myself a target that was not an individual, like a folk, maybe. Like the Jewish folk. It was an absurd, but it was safe, I had no feelings about them so hating them instead of my grandma or my favorite teacher was, well, safe. Serving it’s purpose. No need to feel confused. No sadness.

Like putting a bullet to a doll’s head. The doll has no feelings. Or better yet, even IF the doll has feelings they are no concern of humans, for dolls being just the playthings of humans. It’s OK to hurt them. Dolls are the slaves. As most of us hypocrites do not even allow ourselves to think about slavery as something good we still have dolls to abuse. Human dolls, too, like these fashion dolls here on the video. Human dolls like pretty wives, pretty daughters, pop idols, perfect sons. Humans make themselves dolls to gain attention and love of co-humans. The modern society adores dolls over humanity. We can’t have “real slaves” but we can have something as good: dolls. Like, God make man to his picture, and the man made the doll to the picture of God (perfection).

I can hear the cries of agony of these dolls. They want to be human again. No fake smiles on a day when they are broken inside. No clothes that cause injuries. Sleep. Food. Having fun with friends instead of the group that is forced to be together for the sake of fame (money). Idols can’t break up, fight, cry. Humans can. Humans need to be human to survive in the long term. I know this, I can see behind their smiles and happiness. I believe most people who can see the same grow empathetic, get sad and anxious, but I feel nothing. I don’t care. Those dolls are there to entertain me, they have no other purpose to me. Even their agony serves my sadistic streak. It’s not like I want them to suffer as they don’t fit my preferred victim category, but I don’t care about their suffering either. I don’t want them to quit being dolls. Dolls are pretty. Dolls are clean, not like humans with their emotions. Dolls are perfect and should stay like that. Knowing that the kiddies actually need human idols, not fashion dolls, does not change anything. I know what’s good for myself too, and still keep eating and drinking harmful stuff! Knowing doesn’t make me care. On some days I feel like nothing ever does.

P.S. “The man made the doll to the picture of God = perfection” is wrong in so many ways. God is nothing like the model of “perfection” so many humans try to achieve. No perfect dad would ever sacrifice his son, never move in with his wife and let her suffer, then take away her child. God is not perfect, but then again, the idea of perfection is twisted and perverted. For humans perfection is to be without any flaws, and you can make just about anything positive and negative to a flaw. Even kindness, helpfulness can be seen as flaws. A doll has no feelings, it’s a “thing”. Also in that way it cannot be perfect if it should represent God. God is not a thing, God has feelings, why would he love humans so much if he didn’t?

P.P.S. Talking about God respectively I try to be nice to people who believe. I’m catholic but mostly believe in science and that the human mind is just movement of atoms. BUT, for a self-aware mind like ours to be formed by a twist in evolution is nothing short of a miracle, so I don’t think science can ever fully plausibly rule out a God or a higher being. We just don’t know. And will never know. We have to accept that fact, and try to make the best out of our lives. It also has no use to fight over the different theories. Co-existence is the only solution.

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