Every day is a fight

Love, devotion

22.3. Sick with caffeine and sugar withdrawal. Maybe I should just give in and make me a cup of coffee. It helps a bit. Need to eat too. Yes, coffee with lots of milk, the rest of my favourite bread, some yoghurt and a glas of self made juice from mum. I don’t usually make it very strong because the concentrate is very sweet, but it’d help me too if I did this time.

My situation has gotten better – not in the sense of having income yet or money to spend even in food, but most of the paperwork is done and now I just have to sit and wait. Also have some appointments in 2 weeks. My place is no more such a mess it used to be, but there’s still a lot to do and I’ve been sick in stomach and back this week. On Monday I bought some roses to brighten up the dirty living room, and I got 1,5 pounds bag of kibbles for 1 euro. I have 7 and half boxes cat food, all kinds of sorts. Before I only had 4, but now when Maru’s been very picky all winter I’ve been forced to buy always new stuff. And that’s only wet food. 6 full bags kibbles, one half eaten and one box of a dry food mixture with different flavors. Maru doesn’t like that very much. He’s mostly sleeping in his new warm nest (it was very cold again for a short time). Now he woke up and is cleaning his paws. Looks at me. He knows when I think of him. ^^

That was some tasty bread. Need to buy more tomorrow. Have other breads but they’re not as good and I have trouble digesting them. Can’t chew well enough due to poor and broken teeth and suffer from chronic infection caused by celiac disease. Now it’s been 2 months with borrowed money. Was able to free myself of some stress by reading and correcting my stories but that came to a halt today. Mainly because of that darn withdrawal. Just feel bad and can’t focus to anything. Suddenly lost interest in anything. Stress coming back. Also could be because I know and I see I have made progress with cleaning and then people who don’t know anything come here and tell me I’ve done nothing, not enough and even the bit I did was poor job. Like they fucking knew a shit. On top of all this shit I can’t sleep. Been over a week without sleeping pills and can’t get any rest.

Well, but lets move to the topic. Lately it has started to disturb me even more how people act/pretend like they loved each other. I can’t say if that is “real” because for me something like that doesn’t really exist. I don’t understand it. It might be “real”. Maybe they really love each other and care for each other. For me it just looks like pretending and cruel abuse. For me it IS exactly that. Love = emotional violence. Care = stealing, material abuse. There isn’t a thing called unconditional love.

My family here is extremely important to me, but I don’t see loving them as unconditional either. I want something from them in return. Protection, support, cuddles. It is nice to be loved by Maru for example. That he comes to rub his head on me, that he’s waiting for me behind the door when I come home from somewhere, his purring and even him seeking protection from me when he gets scared outside. But I own him. He’s part of my possessions. It’s kind of a status symbol, a sign of wealth (which I don’t have) to be able to keep a pet. I do love him, but my way. The same way I love guns. When I think of people there’s no love in me. I just want to take stuff from them and pull their strings. That rare feeling of “falling in love” comes and goes, lately there’s been no such thing. But also before, it faded always quickly. The feeling of caring for someone too. I lose interest in people quickly because it’s too much a bother to deal with them. I get to know people easily but can’t keep friends of this same reason. I do my best to catch someone’s interest but I’m not that attractive in the long run. Words can be used to charm, but deeds show my true colors. Selfish, reckless, abusive.

Devotion is different. It’s like duty. But there are two types of duty: the one I take serious, and the other which is usually something other people want from me and I don’t want to give them, like care or friendship. I just give them tiny scraps to keep them docile, but I’m not really devoted to serving them. I’m only truly devoted to guns. It’s my duty to protect and serve them. Everything else is floating. I’m floating and my goals and interests are floating. Changeable. I’ve been living in uncertainty too long.

26.3. Needed to keep a thinking break or whatever. Still haven’t been able to sleep or get much rest, awake last night, hope to get new meds today.

I keep saying what other people often tell me is a very negative view (and that they don’t see me like that, but I think they just hesitate to be honest), but for me it’s perfectly OK. It’s like finding comfort in misery. The same feeling, I know the darkness and I’m not scared to live on the negative side of life. Walk on the shadow side. People keep saying I should fill my life with light, they don’t understand it just burns me. Increases the amount of stress. When I try to fit in. Since Sunday I’ve cut my arm twice. The old ones fade, the ones from Monday not yet. They’re not bad, I feel no pain. It’s for fun. I feel that somehow injuries make me more complete (?). Others see it very negative of course.

I’ve found some people online who make me feel more comfortable, who like the same things, think the same way in some things at least, who embrace the darkness too. Bought stuff for a cake on Monday but ate the filling, too lazy to bake. Eating all that sweet stuff made me sick. Too much sugar and fat. And the last 14 hours I’ve been pouring down energy drinks. Almost 3 cans. Have one left. Will go buy new filling today and make the cake. Getting the meds for free I guess. The paper I got from welfare that I brought to drugstore last week was from 1.-31.3. Have to ask, cause I have no cash. 20 euro on “food account”.

Sun is shining. Gonna be a nice day. My ex wrote me something that sounds very accurate: love seeks caring, and caring wants weakness in the beloved ones. Love wants to heal. You cannot heal what’s perfect. You cannot love the perfect, only worship it. Now I have been trying to love the perfect things I have surrounded myself with. I get stressed when time after time I cannot find love in me. I have no need for love in the current situation, there’s nothing or nobody weak, wounded or vulnerable that the love could heal. Sounds reasonable. Could I be able to love someone if I met someone who would let me heal them? No. I don’t want to heal. I want to destroy. I have never wanted to heal anyone, only hurt. Whenever I have told someone I wanted to help them I have done so from my own selfish reasons and because I saw some gain in “helping” them. Also, my advice is usually really obvious and shallow. I twist the words like I want to, I make weak people believe what I want them to believe and if I want to scare them I will. If someone is for no use anymore I drop them like a piece of litter. Not like “I can’t keep friends for some reason”, I don’t want to keep them. Friends are bothersome. Friends are annoying. Weak people make me angry. Worship what’s perfect – destroy what is imperfect.

Been doing some light exercise since a week or so. Listening to music, and when sitting move my legs or arms, stretch, try to strengthen my back. It was hurting real bad last week. Now easier to move and can keep moving for much longer than last Wednesday. More energy. Muscles don’t forget what they’ve learned. But my only good chair is about to break. One day it’ll just fold together under me. :/

Actually I’ve listened to music ALL THE TIME. All kinds of music, mostly electronic though. Have a huge need suddenly. Discover old tunes again, make playlists in Youtube and Spotify. Even DL’d a couple of mixing programs to test, but not yet tried out. Now I’m really hungry, gotta eat breakfast, then a bit cleaning and calling around. I’ve finally started to enjoy my forced holiday, but I’d like to get back to school too. It’s just a fucking pain in the ass to travel there and back, it takes so long, and I’ve fallen so far behind there’s no chance to catch up. Trying to get a meeting today and then borrow money from dad again to be able to go there, see teachers & co, talk about the situation and how to continue. I still think metalwork is “my thing” and I miss the stuff we were doing.

This song once had a strong meaning to me. Then I lost something very dear and very perfect that had protected me and I still feel fear, emptiness and anxiety when I remember it. It was a stone. A half jewel. I had it always in my pocket, and one day it slipped out and fell down the stairs in school and I didn’t find it anymore. It literally felt like losing a piece of my heart. After that it was just a very long, very deep fall to me. I’ve climbed half way up now but still feel the loss like it was yesterday. Well, guess this is enough for now. Adding a couple of images.



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