Every day is a fight

Don’t you cry, it’ll be alright

After laying in bed for 20 minutes decided to get up again. On overdrive, I just don’t sleep. Left old place yesterday. My sis came and gave me stuff she had written to read. It was horrible. Well written, but… I have blocked everything from back then to survive. All my energy was directed to survival. At the cost of developing social skills, the feeling of right and wrong, and conscience. My sis remembers. It’s awful stuff. We grew up in hell.

We did not all become monsters. My brother still fights I guess, he drinks, he works hard, tries to build his own life but it’s poor. My sis tries to face the problems. She wrote that she won’t turn away from the little child inside of her, she’ll help her and hold her hand and support her. But the scared little kid that once lived inside of me is dead. She was too weak to stand the pressure, she broke under the everyday horrors and instead this demon-me developed inside the same body, someone who was strong enough to just laugh at whatever fucked up shit life threw at me.

I seem to have written the above on Wednesday. After coming home I sank into some kind of hole where I don’t give a shit about what happens to me or others. The highlight every day is the sleeping pill and the feeling I get of it. Took one plus the other stuff but this overdrive doesn’t let me sleep, and I overdosed caffeine during yesterday afternoon and evening. I’ll finish this and then go to shower and wash the blood off the new cuts on my arm and imagine everything’s fine, then I go buy me a swim card so I can go to gym without the extra payment… And then I buy more energy drinks cause I don’t care. Need some food stuff as well and snacks for after gym.

Did some dancing, then wanted to play Fallout but it crashed again after only a few minutes. WTF is wrong with that now out of the blue??? YEsterday I had to boot my PC from disc cause it quit working once again. It seems to have developed a problem with it if I leave a game cd in the tray when shutting off, it thinks it’s the boot disc by starting. Jesus Christ, we paid 650 euro for this and it’s been nothing but trouble. I’ll find out what’s the fucking problem and repair it myself, not gonna send it back to Germany again.

Oh two days ago I managed to make a deeper cut while filming them, a new scar coming but who cares.

Mum told me I’m an asshole and treat people awfully bad. I know the bitch is right, she’s been teaching me since I was a kid how bad child I am and how I don’t earn anything good to ever to happen to me. I fail in everything. And right now I don’t even give a fuck. Let myself fall. I’m switching between full emotion happy manic to sluggish masochist sex addict. I’m ruining my life and not keeping my promises again, and the proof that I don’t earn a good life is that I don’t even care to try anymore. Just let it all go. Should’ve gone to bed but… Whatever. I can sleep in the grave. Gonna be an early one with this kind of a lifestyle… ^^


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