Every day is a fight


The post name describes it so well…

Since coming back home I’ve had a panic attack, felt anxious every day, suffered from heightened social phobia, fears and worries and a strong urge to just give up. Start using drugs. Get in trouble. Attack and kill people. Vandalize this house. I feel continuing rage boiling deep inside. Today it caught flame after finding out I have to pay 50 euro extra for living here – again! I don’t see how the fuck I would be able to pay it. I think I just leave it. Don’t pay. See what they do. I’m so mad, so desparate. Been cutting my left arm every few days. Doesn’t heal well. I don’t care.

Keep acting like an asshole. Most social life happening in Tumblr. My most used comment right now LOLWUT. LOL anything. LOL when bad things happen. LOL when my life and future plans crumble piece by piece. LOL when I feel sick. LOL for being too tired to do anything useful. LOL for drinking too much energy drinks. LOL for blood. LOL for feet looking dead. LOL for sleeping pill addiction. LOL for buying alcohol. But not drinking it. Just in case someone comes for a check and looks into my fridge. LOL for shooting myself in the head with a bb-gun. LOL for going out and shooting at cars and people with a bb-gun. LOL for slicing someone’s throat. LOL for fooling around with my knife in public. LOL for resisting arrest. LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL and WUT. I laugh. I can’t do anything. I can’t think anymore. Nothing matters. I don’t even try anymore. I don’t give a fuck.

Oh, and a big FUCK YOU to anyone of authority. You ain’t gonna control me. I’d rather fucking die.

Made myself some rice but unable to eat. Still hungry. Back to the starting point.

Scanned a whole lot of drawings today and posted a lot here.

No sleep tonight. Damn.

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