Every day is a fight


I know I haven’t been here in ages. I still got nothing to say. My life sucks and problems just keep increasing and getting worse all the time. No matter what I do. After 5 weeks every night nightmares I had almost one and half weeks break (around my birthday), but now I’m back to the good ol’ every night a nightmare -routine. I’ve never had it like this. I’m so tired I barely function. Went back to school this week but missed one day because I overslept and on Friday I should’ve gone to blood test but I overslept it too. Now I say fuck you sleep and drink Battery again. It doesn’t matter if I sleep. I don’t get any rest anyway!

Third time listening to this concert. Posted 30 pics. Been doing that stuff all autumn, almost done. Been much in Tumblr too, just mostly reblogging stuff. Re-activated my “family and friends” -Facebook account. But I rarely do anything in there. Don’t like it, it makes me feel sick. Most things do. The nightmares, food, people… Every day is a bad day. The food thing was getting a bit better, but after yesterday? Not really. I fell back into the bottomless pit in ONE DAMN DAY.

Sometimes I feel there’s a lot I want to write about here, then when I come here I think I shouldn’t annoy anyone with it. I don’t know how to say anything in an interesting way. Or in a way that would help me understand things. Things should be fine. I managed to clean up this shithole, I got a great present for birthday (Wacom Intuos tablet!!) and I had my whole family here and it was OK. I was 3 days in school this week, wow! After being home two weeks. Every night I have to drug myself to be able to sleep. 9 pills. Every night. 4 of them extra. Everything hurts. My feet hurt so much it’s hard to walk. My hands hurt so much it’s hard to type. I have no control whatsoever of what I eat or drink. I have no control of my thoughts or moods. I suffer on extreme memory loss every day due to being so tired and drugging myself. This shit just keeps going on and never stops. I’ve stopped caring. I’ve stopped trying to move forward and create a future. I don’t have a future. Oni is dead. It still hurts. I have no motivation or energy left to try to gain control again. I just let go of everything. Nightmares make me angry too. Been angry almost three months. I don’t know how to stop this or change things. I’m completely stuck in a destructive pattern that keeps repeating in faster cycles, completely out of my control.

People say that you have the right to keep a break and stay home when you’re not feeling well, but this is not “just sometimes”, this is ALL THE FUCKING TIME. When I go to school I’m tense and aggressive and very tired, I snap at people and try to avoid doing work. At home I feel stuck, can’t think, live in a moment and do things extremely spontaneously. No logic. No constructiveness. When I go to buy stuff I can’t use my brains at all, I buy stuff irrationally and out of a moments spur, even if I have a list and am buying for cooking. Tend to avoid cooking, but not as much anymore. I don’t buy fast food either, but I do buy sweets, a lot of them. The sugar addiction has spiralled out of control. If there’s no sweets I eat plain sugar. The last three weeks it has gotten much worse than it was.

Now it seems I caught a cold too. Great. Going to eat something now. Really hungry. After that? No idea. Going to sleep doesn’t sound good. It has become a burden. Life is a burden. I don’t know if it makes any sense to continue it anymore. I’m not sad, I’m just tired. I don’t care anymore.

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