Every day is a fight


So tired I feel like I might collapse any moment. Arms hurt, legs hurt. Head hurt, teeth hurt. Exhausted beyond imaginable. Sunrise has moved a tiny bit more east. The skyline is orange. 7:26am.

On Tuesday I got the most horrid stomach pains ever – again. Last time was during weekend. It lasted forever. I still felt sick yesterday. On Wednesday morning visit from police. They brought an invitation to sorta interrogation. It’s like having your worst fears come true. The news paralyzed me for three days. Had to keep awake last night and try to clean up and find some papers I need urgently. Only found a few. Still have the Christmas tree.

Yesterday, 2,5 hours intensive questioning. I thought it’d be something old, and they were real sneaky with those questions, reminded me of the twisted ways of my parents. I was nervous without an end and didn’t give a very good picture of myself. Actually, to be honest, I screwed it up real bad. Since then, bad migraine. It was about something rather new and it hit a nerve. Things I’d rather not share with anyone who might “get concerned”. Like the facts laid my insides open and bare and I tried to dodge the best I could, which wasn’t very good. Now all my blogs are honeypots and I don’t know what the fuck I should do. So I’m writing it all here coz this is my most personal blog. I put here my thoughts. So they won’t bother me inside my head.

Nobody, ever, understands it when I try to explain how it is with Seed and his kin. There was this one guy in T who I thought might have gotten a whim of how I felt, but he’s been silent for several weeks now. I’m pretty certain he’s gone. Good riddance. Faggots just make awful friends. And that sort of stuff. I’ve been mad at everyone, I’ve been real mad at my parents lately, I already had so much stress it was crushing me. So much pain, so much crying, but I have not hurt myself. I haven’t even felt the need to. Zero activity. 100% passive.

I try not to think too much about yesterday. Not really successfully. Reality check? Unfortunately, those don’t work on me. I kept putting stuff in the blog they checked during night anyway. It’s just porn! It’s not meant to be taken seriously! It’s not real! There are only very few people who’d actually engage in hc action even if they had a chance. 170 followers can’t be wrong and if they like my stuff I must be doing something right, right? It’s just a thing I run into all the time… People… Err… People seem to see things so completely differently. That guy said it’s pretty rough stuff. But I can’t react to that with any feeling. When I post that stuff I do not let my desires decide. There’d be much less pics if I did. I pick porn with cold and focused mind because of course I want to give good stuff to all those followers. There are certain standards though. But my point is, like in the example when I told my school mates how it was to grow up in my family and they were shaking their heads in scared disbelief that something like that could happen in “this modern openminded world”. Unfortunately the world I grew up in was not like that. It was hell. I had to become cold to survive. And it made me me. It gave me a sick interest of violence. I have lived with very bad things so long… I have seen so much worse. That “rough stuff” is nothing. I have almost no sympathy/empathy for humans, only for those who have gone through similar hell. That’s my nature and I can’t help it. I’m trying to work on my feelings, learn to face the ones I had to block to survive, seek truth in the web of lies. But I do not believe this process will change me much. It will not change my likes. I might not be capable of killing anyone, which I realized a long time ago, but that doesn’t mean I am not allowed to be interested in the subject. I need a lot of information to be able to write. OK that was an excuse LOL.

Yeah, the cluft between me and the others is huge. Yesterday proved it in a very practical way. About humans and what happens to them I do not have real feelings of moral or what’s right or wrong. Of course I know… But I do not feel it. That’s all just words. Faked feelings. Acting out of fear of punishment. In the end I most likely do not learn my lesson. Til this day I have not learned any lesson brought to me by force. Not even the “don’t eat wrong foods” one.

There are people who have known me for long. And yet I wonder every time if they truly, really know me. Because I have the feeling that they don’t. They only see a fragment. There are so many people I can’t show the true me, everyone receives only fragments, and while those people never meet they can never build the whole picture.

I think I’m very happy that I have that blog. It gave me more trust – even if it was just for a moment – in people. I found 170 people who at least partially like the same things and those guys keep sharing my “man with gun” pics like crazy. If there’s a gun it always gets shares. The more “explicit”, the more likes and shares. There are a lot of people who seek the freedom of the extreme – even when it’s just an illusion. Because that’s kinda the world (of porn blogs). Nothing is actually real, nothing is truly non-consentual. It’s a game. Even if I might have sometimes said otherwise, this is what it is for me too. Real sex is faaaaaaaaar less hot and steamy. ;) Actually, it’s quite boring. And that’s why people seek the fantasy world. I’m just one of many offering them this fantasy world. You could say it’s… Kinda business. I don’t do it for money. True, I save most of the pics I post, for my private collection, but mostly even watching them alone at home does not wake any big feelings. Mostly the pics are actually pretty funny. In my inner world human life is not worth anything. But – and this is the most important thing – that opinion does have nothing to do with how I treat people In Real Life. Real life is different. Real life has rules that we all must follow. I choose to follow them too, from my own free will, regardless of what I might think of them.

Have to stop now and go wash dishes. This place is far from clean but there’s some order. Thought about throwing that GODDAMN tree outta window so the people who come at point 10am to check my place don’t have a reason to continue moaning about it. Jeez I wish my head would stop hurting…

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