Every day is a fight

Tori no Hito.

That’s…fitting. I’m listening to a Joe Hisaishi concert again and it’s 3:20am. There’s a song in Nausicaä of The Valley of The Wind called Bird Person. I was seeing my parents this week and read that book Birdy almost completely. I sat on my bed and read over 4 hours straight without a break. Since then it hasn’t left me in peace. This story is true and the coincidence is almost frightening:

Years ago when I had my finnish blogs I posted there something of a story of mine where this asshole guy sort of adopts a 6-year-old boy who calls himself Birdy (in early state Wren) and doesn’t accept any other name, and is drawing birds all the time. Then somebody of my academic “friends” there pointed this book to me, and now when I actually happened to read it I can’t believe it could be just a coincidence. My story is very different and doesn’t have a nice ending, there’s no hope in my stories, at least in the older ones. It still continues in the background. “My Birdy” is about 16 now, drug addicted prostitute with no future. But since I read that book (I borrowed it from mum to read it again slower) I’ve been thinking of bringing Birdy back to the center of the action. At least a little bit. It’s hard to fix a broken person, especially if everyone who tries to help is broken too, but somehow we keep on going and the world keeps on turning.

Yesterday I looked for open university courses but didn’t really find anything. It’s a bad time I guess. I’m too late for summer courses and too early for those in winter. And I can’t find good ones to do at home, cause I can’t go to two schools at the same time. I would like to learn more physics.

On Friday I had that bad tooth pulled out. It’s been bothering me and causing immense pain since 2012 and now it’s finally gone. A short while ago I went through all my clothes from the closet and chose some to throw away and some to recycle. I’m only keeping stuff that I really intend on wearing some day. Even found a few summer clothes that fit. I don’t really like them anymore cause they’re really feminine, but can’t help it, haven’t got money to buy new stuff. Well, maybe I’d have, but I have to support an expensive addiction here. Every time I try to kick it it comes back stronger. Every week I buy more and more of energy drinks at once. This time I had 7 bottles in the fridge. Only 3 remaining now. Already lost the body heat regulation. Adding to that I’m back on an endless ice cream trip and have been eating more candy in the past three months than in the past 2-3 years combined. Some sub-conscious stress that doesn’t show but eats me inside and makes me lose control? Everytime I walk into the mall I lose my brain. Last time I walked out with Toy Box 5, a brand new 10.5″ Samsung Galaxy Tab S. So happy the Huawei one started to break down and I got an excuse. A bad one, admitted… Maybe I should just avoid that place? But I don’t like to go to the other mall either cause I’d hate to run into those pieces of human refuse that go there to buy alcohol.

Visiting my parents was pretty boring this time. I watched Vocaloid vids and episodes of Motto Ojamajo Doremi, that I finally found and got to run without Flash Player, and I think that kinda pissed off mum. I wanted dad to help me in math but he did so only once and seemed flegmatic and wanted to drink all the time. Then he was outside making parts to the new door frame and mum chatted with me. All the stuff I don’t wanna hear from her – or anyone. I know my situation the best and I know I’ve screwed up real bad this year. I couldn’t speak well, only with real thick accent and was missing words again. Tried to stay happy and ignore the hidden insults but those 4 days completely drained me.

I think I should go to bed. I’m not feeling well. Hungry and exhausted. It’s 4am and already light as day. Birds are singing. I did clean up a tiny little bit and really should wash some dishes. Have none left. Maybe eating some bread now and sleeping till 12pm if that would help… Actually I wanted to write something. Or draw something. Later today…

By Kevin Roche, award-winning 20th-century Irish- American architect. The pyramids is one of Roche's best works and contributed to his being awarded the Pritzker Prize: Location: 3500 DePauw Boulevard Indianapolis, IN 46268, USA“’

By Kevin Roche, award-winning 20th-century Irish- American architect.
The pyramids is one of Roche’s best works and contributed to his being awarded the Pritzker Prize:
Location: 3500 DePauw Boulevard Indianapolis, IN 46268, USA“’

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