Every day is a fight

Mixed feelings.

Money is the root of all evil and having none of it is the solution to all life’s problems. 0 money cured all existing addictions, put me on my knees and made me beg for money from people who can use my predicament as an excuse to further manipulate, abuse, control and berate me in private and public. And oh boy did they do so!

While I was struggling in my own survival battle, my kitty got sick, and I had to focus on paying the vet bill and his medication (which he refuses to eat). I had to borrow money yet again and listen to lectures and hate speeches.

It looked like a little bit of luck would shine through – I got an apartment – but this proved too good to be true as the cruel facts start to come out. And I have to keep them a secret to protect those who never supported me. Yesterday I met my uncle who is renting the apartment to me, and he straight faced threatened me to lose the place and my heritage if I made mistakes. He said the rent I’m paying him is the money I will one day herit from him. Now what kind of shit is that? I’m speechless. I will never see that money again. With everything he said he always made it clear his “new kids” (those of his late wife she had with many different partners) are so much better than me and my siblings, so much more worth than us losers. And the cruelest thing of all: opposite to what he has let us understand before, he’s not going to sell this apartment when he gets older, he’s going to it to his oldest “daughter”, and if he dies I will be at her mercy. She’s married to a celeb and they have multiple apartments already for themselves. All my wishes to live in that place for a bit longer, settle down, were crushed in a split second. I understand the “mistakes” he spoke of include telling about this to my dad who he now hates bc my parents didn’t accept his marriage. We think he made a grand mistake marrying that psychopath, but blind is blind. It shouldn’t have been our problem anymore. Now it is. Because I went into his trap. I’m just waiting for more nasty surprises.

All I wanted was a little something to call my own for a few years. A better neighborhood, an improvement in my miserable existence. A better place for Maru, more room to sprint around, a balcony to watch birds from…

Not long ago I got chosen to another study in the same school. I’m changing from metalwork to technical design. I was excited about it. Now all I can think about is getting the hell out of this horrible country. Away from these people. Nobody believes me if I try to tell someone about them. Even if I just want to talk and ease my heart. To others only a happy world exists. There’s no abuse and no pain. When it’s invisible it doesn’t exist and all the cruelty and terror can’t be real.

I feel sick. But I only have to bear it a few more years. Enough to learn a job and find one aboard. I can go back to Germany, or maybe Switzerland. I’d like to live in the US though. I feel sad too. Bc I was betrayed and I think I should’ve foreseen this happening. I blame myself for being too blue eyed and thought – even when it was just a tiny misguided belief, a shard of the trust already broken – he was offering me the place from the good of his heart, or some kind of feeling of duty. I kinda knew that wasn’t true but I wanted to believe. Like every time I tell mum something that’s good, I want to believe there’s a bit of compassion and care in her, just an ever so tiny bit. I’m disappointed every time. The same with dad. I tell him something that I’m proud of and wish he’d be happy for me and support me, and all I get is humiliation and ridicule.

This family is evil. The blood is evil. I see the same evil every time I look into the mirror. I see it on my siblings. The way they are angry or don’t care.

I know them though. I can prepare myself. My uncle is thinking of giving a spare key to my dad. That must be prevented with all cost. Them both must be prevented entering the apartment without my presence or consent. Because I can’t control my uncle as he’s the owner I think about installing a security system that gives a silent alarm to my cell and takes video of the person entering. It will be set up at the entrance, hidden. I have to check what kind of things exist. Might sound weird but you don’t know these people and what they are capable of. I must protect myself, my cat and my property. A light wall that will alert and take a photo maybe? I must be able to shut it off when entering and it must be cat-secure. Thinking, thinking…

Well that’s about it for today. Need some dinner now and to sit somewhere else than this old kitchen chair, my behind hurts. I’ll figure out how to survive, I always do. I have survived this long, there isn’t anything that could stop the virus. When life throws an obstacle on your way, and there’s no way over, through or under it, you gotta take a step to the side and go around it, and that’s what I gotta do again. I did so with the school too. A nice, light summer shirt arrived today and I’m gonna rock it like no tomorrow cause it’s the only summer shirt I have, and the weather is really hot. Desert camo makes fat invisible. A little bit at least. :)

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