SD
Every day is a fight

3-minute-meow.

Or better a 24/7 meow. It’s getting worse and worse, and all my time I’m either in coma or fighting to stay awake – no resting. My brain is asleep all the time and I can’t get it awake for more than few minutes at the time. It’s a bad feeling. It’s like sleep paralysis (dreaming of being awake and not being able to properly wake up and move). Every time I sleep I have it at some point and the real sleep is deep without rest and chopped in very short pieces. I could sleep forever but some kind of sense of panic or duty makes me wake up every hour to check the clock. And the constant meowing. I appreciate the short breaks granted but I doubt I can do this much longer. Even high amount of caffeine doesn’t get me awake, it just makes me sick. Eating some proper food helps for a little – it helps to the nagging bite in the back of my head that’s not really pain but has a similar effect on my mood.

And Maru learned a new skill: a long waving meow that’s like a critical hit on me. He has high pitch meows, low meows, meows in between, short ones, these long ones, some that remind of a dog’s barking… I have no idea how long that’s going to last and if he ever shuts up. Wonder what happens if he doesn’t. If he keeps doing that in the new home. A part of it sure is his changed diet: he only gets dry food – well not only but he’s not allowed to eat normal food and I could only afford the dry diet food so far and I do feed him the stuff that I have left but he doesn’t like most of it and he gets no treats – and eating only one type of food all the time is enough to make anyone lose it. Now becomes visible that Maru had quite a varying diet before. Next Wednesday I get new money and will buy him the ultra expensive wet diet food – just to see if he likes it. I bet it’s in a sauce and not jelly and he’ll hate it. Maybe I need to consult the vet again about Maru’s diet since it’s impossible to get him to eat any type of medication and some of his agony is clearly toilet-related. Can’t do anything before Wednesday but then he’ll get some chicken meat too, the expensive one, and maybe beef. I’ll make small portions of them and freeze them in a separate box.

Today I got food for myself and energy drink for the failed attempt to get my brain awake, that was close to 10 euros wasted as it seems. On my way back I saw some Czech tourists and met some neighbors who were trying out a self made bow. A good one. He got his first work order too after the show-off. I got 5 boxes from the basement but did no packing today since the stupid brain. If I can focus on something it comes alive for a while but I can’t focus for long lately. I’ll finish this and update the babylog and then put more books in the boxes.

I have been working on a short story, mostly in my head, and it drives me crazy too. Then all kinds of other ideas come like pop-ups. Many about the stuff I need for my new home. I will have to do some very careful planning now because I have big bills piling up and my little Miku should finally get shipped in August, like, after 8 MONTHS OF WAITING. Yes, I have had to learn patience. Yes, I’m broken and all my hope has been crushed by cruel people from Hong Kong, but still I’m waiting and ready to pay it.

Yesterday (? my sense of time is gone) I got finally the second new shirt I ordered last month. First eBay fucked it up somehow, then UPS fucked up and went to the wrong house and I had to call them and talk with a guy with so broad gay accent that it almost kicked me off my chair. But I got it. Now I have to wash it first cause it stinks. I don’t know where some people keep their stuff – stored outside in the rain??? – because that smell I only know from army surplus clothing & gear. When old stuff no-one wants stands around in shitty moldy storages for decades before they have gained novelty value. Without washing it takes years for the smell to get off. Sigh. At least it’s good quality, the same company than last time. Should last for 3 years. Maybe it’s all that meowing that has made me cautious but I might want to re-evaluate what I want to wear in public. Maybe I just notice it better. Maybe the world watches more closely. Two years ago nobody gave a fuck if someone walked around in a NRA shirt. Not sayin’ I quit wearing them though. :D

Met an interesting old man today and chatted with him until my bus came. Sometimes I feel like a magnet… I had just sat down and put my stuff on the ground and then saw him coming, he had seen me and came straight to me and sat down and started to talk about Russia. Well that’s my favourite topic and I can’t say I often meet anyone I can discuss it with without getting into a fight, so that was kinda nice. But yeah, old and drunk with a concealed bottle of liquor. A fan of history with similar family background etc. But it was already before I started to wear NRA stuff that I attracted this type of people. At least now I avoid the Mormons and the Lutherans and thank “god” there’s no church nearby in my new place. Anyway, I have so little contact to other people that any nice conversation is a plus. There are a lot of nice people in this group of drunks around this area, you just mainly only notice the bad eggs.

Also saw a police car in new colors. Now they look like the ones in the UK.

It’s already dark at night. Summer is so short. And today it’s been raining almost all day and night, cold and the still warm ground is producing a high amount of fog. Very moist and +25 degrees inside. Yeah that’s another reason why I sleep so bad lately. Last night I dreamt of getting extreme sunburn while being allergic to the sun. That was nasty. I have developed a light oversensitivity to sun since my body cannot handle the medication anymore. Now, after years, the first side effects are showing. I’m happy the winter comes and it’s over with protecting myself and I can walk outside without a hood again. As if I ever do. Heh. Thought about buying a shaving machine thingy whenever I have money and getting myself a cheap new hairstyle. Have had this since over 15 years. The length varies. Time to cut it soon. Need to figure out how to wear some kind of a hat or scarf permanently. I don’t know how to do that, it always looks awful, but since the time of having no more hair is drawing near there’s no other way.

Maru is quiet now. I could use this and go to sleep. Somehow even the idea of doing that feels uncomfortable. My bed is in bad shape but I won’t get a new one soon. Will use the other end of it in the new place, might want to give it a dry wash before moving. Well, guess I have to go to sleep. Try at least. I can “shut myself down” like every night then I won’t wake up so easily when meow-thing starts his daily meowing early in the morning.

Some days ago I started to draw a version of an old house concept of mine that could be or be not my dream house. Hope to be able to continue it soon and not spoil it somehow. BBL.

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