Every day is a fight

No title.

The last 20 minutes there have been 4 vehicles with sirens passing the main street. There are a lot of them here. I hear some almost every day. Always coming from north and heading to the sea. In my old place I heard them only during holidays and when it was very hot, there was no big street near, but this place is more like a city. Houses next to other houses and the big street next to my house is a main route from north to the shore. There’s a roundabout right next to here and then the metro building site and the mall. I’m next to taxi pole and the old mall with 3 bars and a small store and some other places all stuffed into an old green 2-story building with car park below. There’s a karate school even. That whole stinking building will be history soon, but flies flock around bars and those will stay.

The neighbor house opposite this one has all light gone from windows. Everyone sleeping. Not me. Not this time. This week’s been hell, I deserve this. Today I went shopping twice. Too lazy to go to the big store and then decided to stay awake and had to go fetch more energy drink.

Have suffered from extreme stress and it has had bad effect. I’m a nervous wreck, jumpy, scared, break down from the tiniest things. Dealing with too much, I have no buffer left to defend against critical hits. And I’m getting those. Many, every week. People who are only trying to be nice don’t know that even talking with them in the phone or seeing them right now is raising my stress level and causing chronical exhaustion. Every time my phone rings my head starts to hurt. I’ve been on the phone a lot this week already and tomorrow there are calls to take care of too. At least my teacher called today and I could explain why I haven’t been in school this week. I’m going on Friday, because CAD lesson. Going to make some templates for home use soon, downloaded the programs last week.

My uncle was here yesterday taking measures for the dishwasher, and he’s coming over tomorrow to start with the plumbing job. I don’t think he gets it done, I suggested he’d hire someone cause he has never done stuff like that before. Well, if I have a flood here because he screwed up it’s not my problem. I wouldn’t mind getting a completely new kitchen (he offered help with the cabinet doors when I told him the price of ready made doors of those measures, they are the “old standard” from 70s and you only get those custom made, and making them yourself will NEVER make them watertight, it’s hell of a work and I can’t be here 24/7 supervising and sure as hell family members aren’t gonna stay here alone)… Got used to the new house where I lived before. Nah, I’m ok with this kitchen as long as it works. The baby shit yellow bothers me less than I thought. Maybe because I think of this as MY home now, not somebody else’s. Before this was always “my uncle’s place”, even when someone else lived here. Now it’s mine, I have my stuff here, and most important – I have Maru here. This place truly needed a cat.

This week is baby Miah’s 16th week. I skipped the update last weekend, I don’t even know why, have no memory of the weekend at all, so I’m gonna update it tonight. I did some notes last week, I have height, weight and some developing details. Need to do more notes in advance soon, saves a lot of time. Need to look for some pics online about places a family could visit around Los Angeles. Joshua Tree is too far. It’s an amazing place and I wish I could visit it some day in person. I’d like to go to Baja too. But that’s some distant future and the saldo of my account will soon return me to the muddy hole I’m stuck in.

Maru is fine. He has grown a thick, soft winter fur and gained some weight. I notice when I lift him up on my shoulder. He doesn’t protest much anymore or jump down, instead he might sit on my shoulder a while and look around. Today he laid down on my neck like a collar. ;D Yesterday I had a very bad day with bad news twice and a complete mental breakdown, and after eating I sat watching tv and Maru came to sit on my lap. He even fell asleep for a couple of hours. He has never done that before. Might’ve been the wool blanket I had over my legs, or he wanted to comfort me, or both. Who knows… When I went to sleep he came to sleeping room and slept the night in his nest. He only leaves during the night to eat or toilet or if I sleep restlessly and talk in my dreams. Recently he has woken me up from a nightmare and once or twice he sat beside my head before I fell asleep. He doesn’t yell or ask to be let out. He’s curious about what’s happening behind the door but mostly if he hears me talk outside and until this week he had to go look if he heard neighbors. Now he has gotten used to the noise. It’s a lot louder here and the walls have no good sound insulation. I have noisy people above and beside. I got used to it pretty quick too but sometimes when I’m really stressed and tired even the constant humming of the taxi motors is going on my nerves and my head feels like exploding. Maru likes to see out of so many places. He’s often sitting at sleeping room or kitchen window. Last Sunday night we watched cops pull two drunk lads out of traffic right under my kitchen window. “Civil” white police van with yellow lights on top, looking like a delivery van, just like the one that visited me in February.

Tomorrow I have to go fetch the dry food from the vet. Ran out of it a couple of weeks ago. Maru’s fine and healthy but that is solely thanks to that food and he still shows some small problems at the toilet. He has cheap brown litter in the small “emergency” box while I’m washing his big one and he has a bit trouble finding a comfortable peeing position. I should get him the good sand too tomorrow. Need to get meds again and get new receipts and this and that and I wanted to bake a cake but that good idea is running into sand since I’m running out of money again. Have to make sure I have some until October 7th and beyond. Already paid the biggest bills but there’s the huge problem that unveiled itself yesterday and I still need stuff to eat for myself and Maru (wetfood). Guess I’ll make cake for my birthday but that’s it then. Fallout 4 comes out and everything.

And I still haven’t received a bill about my cowhide. Jeez, have to contact them too! NO-FUCKING-BODY is able to take care of their business anymore these days. Most of my troubles are because other people don’t do their jobs or screw it up somehow and I get to pay for it. Yesterday I was so mad I posted some violent shit in Tumblr… Had to let out some pressure. Been drifting into the dark side anyway since it’s autumn. It’s not really bad. Weekend is mostly blur because of that, and Monday. I wasn’t here, the demon was. Apparently I now have a third blog where he puts things I won’t allow even in D8, and what I usually post is already considered extreme by some people.

Also… I don’t really like to open about this, but I’ve been drifting to the right side for a while now. It started already when I lived in Germany and my opinions have gotten more sharp the past years with the detoriating rights and restrictions to the individual freedom. My own country has never been welcoming, I’m not interested what happens to it. I have no emotional connection to it as a “fatherland”. I have only my memories and distant attachment to some places here, but the US is my fatherland of choice, they have welcomed me and my support and I feel connected to them. To the people, to the community – but not their government. It’s rotten to the core. Unfortunately. And so it is in this country too… Still, I don’t plan being frozen to the ground here forever. There’s a place I’d like to live in… A warm place.

Then, the last weeks, while the “refugee”-problem heats up all across Europe, I’ve come into contact with the extremist blogs too. I’m not in contact with anyone, I have no need or will to do so, but I view their blogs. I click the ‘like’ button on their pics. I try to avoid reblogging them but I’ve done that too. And, maybe I’ve changed through the years, but I don’t feel a single bit guilty when doing so. Those people, their beliefs, their opinions, their clothes, their flags – they’re familiar, almost comforting. Maybe I’m finally losing it due to this stress…

Going to the extreme – either side – isn’t the answer and it isn’t my way. I’ve been in both sides and seriously, I don’t miss it one bit. It’s no freedom, being bound to an agenda or an idea. But seeing their symbols and faces doesn’t make me feel like shit anymore. Sometimes it might bring a smile on my lips, it might even make my eyes shine for a while, but that’s it. If someone feels the need to go out and protest, or pray, or burn down an entire city, they can do it for all I care. My approach is much more passive, calculating. I can see the results of violent protests, I’ve seen them and their effect through many years, I’ve seen so many things happen, ideals come and go, that I can pretty much predict the outcome. If the battle is not worth fighting, if the idea behind it is foul or not built to last, then I won’t put my time and energy in it. When I still used Facebook more I used to reblog a lot of the 2nd Amendment support stuff. I still do when I go there but not actively. Right now, I have other things on my plate. I can’t screw up this school. I can drift around but I can’t get attached to anything unless it’s promoting my studies, and a “political career” isn’t really doing that.

Come to think of it, a political career was a choice when I was trying to figure out what to do after high school. Back then I kept myself up-to-date by reading newspapers, watching the news and informal tv shows and listening to the radio. It was before the internet came. I kept my mind sharp, as sharp as my opinions, but I had a lot of nightmares and I was severely depressed. It got so bad I got medication. In my last year in high school I didn’t do much school stuff. I copied my old essays, just changed the topic and a few words, I wrote other stories. Important ones. Non-political ones. Fantasy, gang life. I read different books, changed my views, started to ache for getting out of that shithole. Sometimes it was so bad I couldn’t do anything, not even write. I listened to rap and hiphop and paced back and forth in my room like a caged animal. I wrote stories that were another kind of extreme, full of sex and with people with loose, lecherous lifestyle. Many things I run across while searching for porn to reblog are familiar because I thought about them and wrote about them when I was a teenager. That’s why I can say there’s nothing new to me. I’ve seen the “worse” things already.

So, even if I might be drifting a bit to the right side I’m not getting involved with anything. Maybe I’m just informing myself. Keeping myself up-to-date. Like when crossing a road, you look carefully left and right before crossing.

Need to stop now and get something to eat and a painkiller. It’s a cold night and cold makes my joints hurt.

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