Every day is a fight


Are flying around chirping today. Sun shines for a short while before setting behind the houses. From living room window I can see a small square of the sky. Thin clouds. Blue. Trees and branches lit with the last glow of the sun, not much more than a ghost. It’s 4pm and still light outside.

My flat is mostly cleaned up and orderly. Feels so weird. It’s been so long I last time had a reason to put effort in keeping tidy. I think of this place as my home. For a long while. I’ve had some extremely awful nightmares that have their base in my fear of something bad happening to Maru. Yesterday I first time had the thought that maybe I should stay here for the rest of Maru’s lifespan. He was born 2010 and with his joint issues he won’t live as long as a healthy cat. His sickness will at some point become very painful for him and costly for me, and even when I’m ready to sacrifice all my money, if it doesn’t save him from chronic pain and greatly reduced movement, if he suffers, I will let him go. Especially when he gets older I know I become reluctant of putting him through another big move, possibly to another country. One big reason I’m trying to keep tidy is that he needs things to be clean.

During December I was too sick to take care of the place and I noticed it possessed a danger for Maru – scraps of plastic and plastic ribbons from Christmas presents that he liked to chew on. If I leave a bag of plums or whatever packed in plastic on the table he has chewed it full of holes when I turn my back. A while ago he swallowed something that he wasn’t able to vomit. I’m still concerned about that since it hasn’t exited his body. Problem is I wasn’t at home so I don’t know what it was. Yesterday he tried to eat my morning pills. That is serious. Those can kill him.

It was very cold for some time and the boiling rage went away. Now it’s very warm again and I’m annoyed by everything so I try to keep busy by tidying up and washing clothes and dishes. My dishwasher was doing strange thing but the repair dude said it’s normal. I’ve put almost all Christmas decoration away and during the week I moved the furniture in living room around a bit. Trying to get some structure in here. Also put the big striped carpet in the new tv-corner. After cleaning most of sleeping room it doesn’t look very nice, it’s just empty, but I hope a new order and a new bed will help. Got some extra money and invested it wisely in a new, bigger and better quality bed (instead of the damn graphic card). I already put aside February’s rent so I will have all of the coming Friday’s health support money for whatever needs arise. Right now I’m trying to save as much as possible. Anyway the next few weeks will be easier, until in March we return to being broke all the time.

In 7-14 days my sleeping quality will improve greatly and I even have place for Maru if he wants to sleep next to me. And no danger for Seed to fall down. And I will put the bed next to the short wall. I have been looking for a new kitchen table and chairs, and a couch and side table. I found an awesome side table in Ikea and I think I might go pick it up during weekend. It’s a season piece so it’ll be gone if I wait. Same with the couch I found there, but it’ll have to wait at least until summer. Hope they still have it, or that I can find something similar in the same price class. My rooms lack style and color but at least I now have a basic idea of what colors and what kind of style I want here. It has to fit this flat and be extremely cheap and less clutter. I can use most of my own valuable items to create different season decoration. What I can’t use I’ll sell at the thrift store at the mall. In living room and sleeping room I will focus on a few base colors and their variations in curtains, pillows and throws.

It has looked like I’ve lost my ability to create a nice looking living space. It took a long time until I started to really figure out how to bring some life in here. Many ideas discarded. The key seems to be to keep it simple, modern and get rid of other people’s old stuff. Only keep stuff that really means something to me, that I really like.

Not much other news this time. Some 3 weeks ago I stepped on 3Dog’s ass in the dark and injured my right foot. Turns out it’s inflammated and spread to the front of the foot. Can barely walk. The 4-year old foot injury in almost the same place had just healed, damnit! Today I was shortly out getting food and putting money in the travel card and that damn foot got really bad. I’ve tried to focus more on school. On Friday I did a great job and the coming week I try to be there on each day. On Friday I like the electricity plans from afternoon, and this time I even got something done in ArchiCAD in the morning. Tomorrow we have HVAC in the morning basing on the plan finished on Friday, and ArchiCAD in afternoon. Wednesday is a big day, we begin learning Inventor. I can do it…just focus on taking it a moment at time and not thinking of the choice I have to make in spring…

On Tuesday dad comes over to bring me tools for bed assembly. He also promised to buy me food and maybe Maru’s food I ordered from pharmacy, if it has arrived by then. That’s nice. I’ll look up some tasty foods I’ll cook and he can buy all the heavy stuff. Today I wanted to make creamy mac and tuna for tomorrow’s lunch, but I’m plenty tired now and will have to get up 5.30am… I’ll make it tomorrow evening and just buy some ready lunch at the bus station in the morning.

Does Maru have fleas? He’s scratching a lot and I’ve started to get these tiny itchy red dots on my arms. He only goes to the balcony, but still…

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