Every day is a fight

Let me give you a hand.

This year’s been hell so far.

But here I am still. 6 am, after a long night enjoying a game, drinking energy drink, Maru sleeping next to me on my new couch. Morning sun reaches the bushes in front of the balcony. Stay quiet, don’t move, then maybe the heat is bearable.

I’ve been unstable again since a couple of weeks. Had family visits and such. It’s relatively clean here. Glad to have the couch. 11 rates left. 11 rates of new clothes left as well. 3 rates left of the cow hide. We’ll get by, somehow. I have food at home. Ran out of some meds. 30 euro left for the next 2 weeks.

“If you place a thing in the center of your life that lacks the power to nourish-” A quote from a Faithless song that goes it’s rounds in my head every now and then. I did that alright. Do guns nourish? They are dead and cold. Their love is dead and cold. The nourishment they deliver is cold and dark. Cold. It makes me sad somehow but I don’t regret my decision. Their souls might be cold but they are strong. I’ve had great joy in writing the babylog and making progress to that story. I’ve discovered a happy family so much more normal and warm than those I grew up with. All my memories are cold and dark as well. At night I wake up cause my hand is numb and hurts from gripping Seed tight. During day parts of my body hurt from injuries I got while sleeping. I can’t breathe. I feel like drowning, like dying every time I’m about to fall asleep. I stop breathing and there’s no reflex to start it unless I force myself to stay awake. My sleep is deep but lack real rest. But yet I hold on to them and keep them in my bed. Is there a way out of this tunnel? Sometimes I wonder…

No it’s not their fault. They only mean well. I can’t relax anymore. Can’t shake the stress away. Can’t even update my gay porn blog with over 1100 followers. I would like to but I don’t find good stuff, have no time for it or am simply disgusted by seeing tens and thousands of those pics every week. I don’t enjoy it. Not anymore. More like a duty, or something. I need to cater. Keep follower number growing or at least steady. Stay active. I used to have fun updating it. Now every time I think are the cops still watching? Will they come to me if I post the stuff my followers want to see? The more violent and threatening the better. Staged rape and torture. Also post a lot of gun pics there. That mixture made it popular… I’ve been slacking off due to my troubles. Should really get back to it. It used to be relaxing in a way. Some of the pics are really funny. Not haha-funny though. More like “I love hurting people”-funny. F is for little faggots begging to be abused, U is for unruly shit-eating pigs, N is for no-one will find your corpse, and for me it’s in a way amusing to feed other people’s fantasies and being brutally honest about the fact that I’m a sick bastard who could make those fantasies of getting snuffed real with no hesitation. That blog is where I can let my demon run free. Only positive feedback if you do not count being interrogated…

It’s 1,5 years and I still think about it. It was surreal. They caught me and all I could do was to deny everything while they knew I was lying. Goddarnit. Kinda funny too, though. Still not haha-funny. It might come and bite me in the ass later. Have not really talked about my troubles or beliefs to anyone after that. Figured it’d only cause more problems. No use trying to make people believe in my sanity if I try to make them understand my relationship to guns at the same time. Why can’t I be sane even though I perceive some things differently? Why isn’t it allowed for humans to communicate with our environment and so called inanimate objects? Not everyone has that kind of skill. But it doesn’t make me sick or insane. There’s nothing wrong with me other than my memory lagging and the stress trying to get me killed.

And maybe the one or another anger management problem. But they’re not always there. I calm down real fast too. I take good care of Maru. And I make myself feel those emotions that need extra triggering. Empathy and stuff. I watch movies and series that have strong enough emotional scenes and relatable characters. It’s not that I’m not capable of feeling, it’s just that in my life there are not strong enough triggers for many “social emotions”. Normal relationships with real people mean close to nothing to me. But to be able to get along I take this roundabout way so that I know how to succesfully fake emotions. It’s not meant to harm anyone, just to get along. I can’t act like an asshole towards everyone, right? Only in controlled environments.

I’d like to get back to playing Fallout 4 but Maru looks so sweet sleeping and I don’t want to disturb him again. There might be mostly bad days but when I listen to good music or have something good to eat and drink it makes me feel good for a while. Like said, we’ll get by somehow. I’m going to eat breakfast now and continue playing after that. Maybe do some cleaning and wash clothes. I’m completely out of clean summer socks and underwear and t-shirts. Gotta wash my eyes too. The right one is infected again.

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