Every day is a fight

Bamboo blinds.

And how the light drips through them like thin rain. Leaves are all white from the sun. The wind never ceases. Pine needles shimmer and change color, everything moves. Always moves. Never stops. Winds blow from the sea always fresh and cool. Red brick houses only look like home here, high up north. This light is precious. This thin rain that showers my home. A special kind of white-yellow. Bright but not deadly. Through the blinds I can see birch leaves bathing in the sun.

Still, why does the sky look better through sunglasses?

It’s not all misery here. Actually, most of the time it’s pretty nice. I feel better. It’s restless at weekends and nights but these kind of mornings remind me why this is where I always wanted to live. Nothing is ever perfect but it doesn’t need to be. For me good moments will always be very good and bad moments very bad and it’s hard trying to find the middle, but compared to four years ago this is like heaven.

I don’t think much about the past 5 years. Or I do, but not about the places I lived in. On some moments I barely have any memory of the previous apartment. It’s all shaded grey. Colored with depression and passive chaos. Nothing changing in a good way. I’m so happy I got out of there. Here it has taken a while for things to find their places and I still got no curtains in kitchen which is troublesome. But I’m getting there. Slowly but surely. Not living out of boxes anymore. There are still some to get rid of and sort through. Can’t do that while Maru is at home, so it’ll have to wait. Endlessly.

This year I’ve tried to keep it clean here after some hard time in early spring when it got somewhat messy. I still don’t clean often enough and the cat hair gathers quickly. But I clean up trash and wash dishes and clothes more on the regular basis and it’s actually fun. We have now plastic recycling bin and it’s fun to recycle. I’ve always liked that part of the cleanup the most. Vacuuming still sucks and I hate to clean the bedroom, change sheets and all that bothersome stuff. Gotta do it sometimes though… Also trying to cook more often. Like, real meals and not just eat ice cream and bread. :P Can’t say I’ve beaten my ice cream addiction. It’s gotten real bad. There are good days but mostly bad days, that is, either I’m sick with “withdrawal” or I go buy it and eat it, all of it. It’s only one type too. And it’s not lactose free so I get sick every time, but I just have to eat more of it. I’m so sick of doing this. >:( There are days when I just want to tell my local store to not to sell it to me anymore, but since it’s no alcohol they propably wouldn’t be able to do that. And since it’s no alcohol or drug I won’t get any real help. I tried. They put something in that shit that makes it addictive. It’s one of the cheaper brands, a weird tasting chocolate chip one. When I first time had it I thought it tastes kinda bad, but after eating half of the pack I fell in love with it and haven’t really eaten any other ice cream ever since. Even the good expensive ones don’t taste like anything compared to this one.

I’m starting to sound like that Nuka Cola addicted girl in Fallout 3… Which brings me to my new summer drink: Ice Cold Nuka Cola! Well, it’s just regular Coke, but I usually drink it ice cold and while playing Fallout… When I see the ads in the game it wakes this weird craving… I’m even skipping energy drinks and drinking Coke instead. WTF? It’s only gonna last the hot season. It doesn’t taste like anything in winter. Have had this before. Even this summer, when it’s cold outside I have no problem drinking just water, but when it’s hot it’s soooo gooood to get my hands on original (Nuka) Cola in glass bottle! Those always come back in summer too! Thought about labeling them as Nuka Cola but then I lose the 20 cent of the recycle bottle.

Anyway. This summer has been pretty good so far despite all this food trouble. Today I thawed some chili and am eating it with red lentils. It’s quite watery so I thought the lentils would give it some thickness. Tastes good! Chili goes with everything! I don’t often make one with meat but my health has been so low I need all the good stuff I can afford. Well, the ingredients were all the cheapest and only onion and red pepper were fresh. It’s quite mild. Before, I used to make really hot chili because I didn’t know how to measure the “heat”. Have to be careful now. Too much kick will mess with my blood pressure. Glad it has come down somewhat and I can deal with the stress better. Yesterday I went for a walk to smell the blooming lindens along the streets.

I put my old bed to the balcony with some pillows and a carpet, and bought two plastic chairs and a small table, and those bamboo blinds to keep the temperatures down. I think tonight I’m going to sit outside a bit. Because it was cold for long only Maru sat there to watch birds and insects. Two days ago we caught a giant moth thing together and Maru ate it. Seemed to taste good. ^^ Now he went to my bed to have his peace. There were guys mowing the lawn in the morning, and glass recycling pick up which made a hellish noise, and then explosions from the metro building site, and he doesn’t like me typing. Great keyboard but both Maru and Fallout 4 hate it. Maru just yells but the game doesn’t react to commands and sometimes it literally kills me. :/ Not the keyboard’s fault, my pc just can’t properly run the game and I won’t have money for the upgrade anytime soon. Can’t buy that kind of stuff with rates. Still not sure if I should go for a full upgrade at once or not. Like everything in life, it depends on the amount of money available.

The night without sleep is starting to take a heavy toll on me. Have to lay down for a while. Outside. In the fresh air, but under a warm blanket. :) My internal temperature regulation is gone and I have to avoid cooling off too fast or too much. That’s the first thing to go out of the window when staying up overnight.

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