Every day is a fight

Today I stare back at you, darkness

Just never surrender, that’s it.

In November, my closest friend was diagnosed with final stage cancer and she passed away at Christmas Night. Life hasn’t been very lively after that. I’m plagued by serious depression and the suicidal thoughts have returned. I dream about her last days a lot. So it has come to a stillstand with progress in school and I have to temporarily quit again. I’m trying to get a year off this time. Too much stress. I was doing fine and was able to push the bad feelings away until two weeks ago. After that, I broke. It’s a bad situation because I have very tense relationship to my family right now, I can’t trust or rely on them. I have been physically and emotionally attacked by them in the past 3 months and feel that my life is under constant threat whenever I have to deal with either of my parents. I’ve tried to stay civilized but it’ll have to end. They are killing me, quite literally.

Right now I’m sitting here with my new shark friend, attempting to flush down my evening pills and keep myself distracted. Tomorrow I’m going to try again the test I could not attempt last Thursday and talk to a c0uple of people about quitting for this year. I need to get my injured foot checked too. It’s gotten quite black and hurts now basically all the time. Might be too late to save it.

Yesterday I started to write again something very old that has been frozen for about 10 years. I need to write again. Stress had made it impossible for years and just getting out half a page was a good feeling. I’m turning it all upside down and I’m going to heal while doing so. It was the most painful story I ever wrote but I think I need to re-write it and go through this pain again to be able to make any progress on my own health.

In the beginning of January I was a week in Germany. Three good days altogether. I was feeling very bad and injured the foot even worse, couldn’t sleep, was awake every single night until 5am, couldn’t eat, cried, had nightmares and spent most of my time in the hotel room. Went in jumpy and anxious, got out feeling slightly better and more social. Got many good photos but have not edited them at all yet. One day I looked for gun shops online and found an army shop 200m from my hotel. Went there and spontaneously bought a new little shark friend and new scarf cause I couldn’t wash my old one in hotel. On my last day I was in the Pinakotek der Moderne and took pics and bought a 3D-printed vase. I put here a few pics. I learned to open and close the knife with one hand within a few hours and I love the sound it makes when opened. ^.^


It also has a glass breaker in butt, which was one requirement along with a tanto blade. I love that blade. The shape, the angles, the material – it’s perfect. And it looks like a little shark, doesn’t it? I’m still trying to find a good name for it. I did not plan to buy a Walther-knife and the grip is something for a H.R. Giger fan but it fits in my hand like it was made for me and the feeling holding it the first time made my eyes shine. Also, I got super along with the guy who sold it to me. It’s an amazing feeling when someone is instantly on the same wavelength. He understood what I wanted despite my poor german skill half mixed with english words, he was really nice and even showed me something out of my price class because he knew I’d love it – he just wanted to show it because he liked the same things. I even got to brag a little about being able to shoot with both hands… That conversation pretty much rescued my whole holiday. :3


The rest of the stuff I bought. Not much but quality. I love Zaha Hadid’s works and the conceptual book is a special interest. Space age fits Fallout stuff. And I’ve tried to find Jin-Roh since it came out in ’99 and finally succeeded. I’m saving it to a day when I feel better, the books too. Just looked a few pictures so far. I’d like to devour them all instantly but that kind of an attitude gave me a severe eating disorder and getting rid of it is hard as fuck. Right now all I live for is THIS moment in the evening when the pills hit home and I feel good for the first time since the evening before. But since I’m gonna have a lot free time this spring I’ll fight back.

I want to find a way to go to my gym despite the injury. I can still do cardio and weight training for other body parts. I want to lose weight, now more than anything. I want this sloppy body to become muscled. I want to dance again. I want to wear cool normal sized clothing. I want a new haircut. I want to get back to progressing towards my number one goal: transition. I’m strong. I can do this. I want all my old hobbies back. I want my life back. The kind of life I always wante to live. This is my last chance. If I lose enough weight I might get an amputative breast surgery before any other treatment. You can’t really bind size E. Tomorrow I hear what should be done to this swollen paw and on Tuesday I’ll drag my heavy ass to the gym and make a training plan.

Right now I’m sure I can do it. The darkness will not win this time.


There was another better one before this but I found only this one. One of the best photos I’ve ever made. No editing done, I just made it smaller. One day soon I’ll DL them all and make photo posts. And I wish I could become a bit more social and make more friends. I lost the one who mattered the most the last years and I remember her every day, but I have to look forward or I too am dead within a year.

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