SD
Every day is a fight

Empty deserts of tearless nights

Awake with the painful memories or trapped into endless nightmares. I can’t fall asleep cause all I can think of is her, lying in the hospital bed, dying. At some point I fall into a chem induced sleep that is no sleep, it’s walking from one terrible scene to another, not finding a way out until Maru wakes me up 2pm. In a couple of weeks I’m seeing my doctor and trying to get rid of Ketipinor. I hate it so much. It makes me sick.

The spring is here. Even sunshine during the day. Then, everything is fine and I can do things. Today I opened the BBQ season and cooked the steak that was at sale yesterday. It was worth every 7 euros. Cooked 2-3 minutes each side, then let rest for a good 30 mins. The one I ateonfor dinner was great, pink inside and soooo tender. The one I ate later with baked broccoli was not so good. Warmed it in the microwave and it made me feel slightly sick to the stomach. Still, it’s the first time I have eaten whole beef since last Midsummer and it was good and I just need to learn to not cook beef til it’s dry out of fear of raw meat.

Then the evening attacked us and everything changed. x___x

Now, waiting for the chem rush. I no longer use this one for it’s original purpose. This damn depression has turned everything upside down and brought out my worst sides. My head is full of thoughts that were dead and gone for years. I crave for milk, sugar and drugs. Every minute awake I contemplate on how to cheat my budget and whether or not to go out to places where I could buy drugs. There’s no control left. There’s no will to live. I can lie as long as I hide, but as soon as people see me they find out. This deep desperate feeling wears me out. I’m trapped and there’s no way out and no-one I can turn to. Today I kinda reached something by thinking that I need to stop, turn around and start froim 0, but then I got stuck wondering what is there at the beginning, other than fear, emptiness and anger. I’d like to cry – for what actually? – but nothing comes out.

I pulled some old poems out of my old tablet. Here, have some.

You bend the elements and they become yours.
But you cannot bend cloud grey.
Years pass under the same sky and you become hers.
Cloud grey in your hair. Cloud grey in your soul.
Your whole being manifesting her shining silver,
Until you sleep without waking,
Turning ash,
Your cloud grey becoming one with the elements.
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(This was kind of inspired by my asshole mum and the creepy poem the player in Fallout 3 gets for his/her 10th birthday.)

Willow people.
Bending in the wind.
Bending under human touch.
You can make them yours.
They’ll fit every mold.
Never do they break.
But bent harsh enough, long enough, they become stooping.
Become twisted. Become dwarfed.
Forget the touch of the wind.
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Nothing but wheat and corn.
Endless, ripe, in excess.
Cities like honeycombs
Buzzing busy
Weeping sweet tears in the hot nights.
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Crying silver willow,
Mourning,
The sound carried by the wind
Made my wind chime sad too.
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Filling my head with music. Not need to think for a while.

Goooood. I found this one in SoundCloud and it took like 3 months to find it in Youtube. Finally! The titel is still weird as fuck.

And the last one. Need to eat something (got nothing but dry bread). Soon is morning. 4am now. Google translate russian alphabet saved a lot of trouble tonight. Music kept me busy. No need to think for a little while. Maybe I just go on playing now. Ate all the meds I need to eat – except for ketipinor. Let’s see if I can go on without it a few days. If the schizoaffective symptoms get worse I will have to eat it. Those aren’t my biggest issue, it’s the depression. In 2 hours the closest shop opens and I’ll go get more milk products and chocolate and I will make some pineapple sour cream dessert. MAybe finally cook that pasta sauce. All depends of my budget – hell, it’s already ruined.

I posted an ad on a buy and sell website, try to get rid of the high class washing machine that I can’t take cause it won’t fit into my bathroom.

I also ordered the Overwatch Tracer Nendoroid that is published in August. So, I won’t kill myself before then, right? Nah I don’t think about suicide so much. Too depressed for even that. I function on the basis of filling my cravings and taking care of Maru, and live for those couple of hours feel good after the GOOD evening pills. Maybe I take a nap sometime today cause I am tired. It’s just… I’m frightened of the nightmares. Like putting my life on line every time I fall asleep. Lately I often die in my sleep. I wake up pulling air into my lungs so fast it hurts, the shock of the dream kicking me out of the bed within seconds. Those days are bad. I see the shock written on my face all day long, I get jumpy and paranoid. In those dreams I’m trapped into my childhood and relive the worst times of my life again and again, spiced up with the scares of the modern world.

Now I go. Eat. Gather rubbish. It has piled up again. Typical sign of depression. I live in a dump. Just small steps getting it clean. Yesterday’s meal was the first proper meal in what feels like an eternity.

I should be supportive to a friend. He needs it. I should be happy and content about my life. I should be excited about changes and the spring and being in good terms with my sis. But I isolate myself cause the knife marks on my arms heal so slowly. I don’t know what words could cheer up someone who feels as bad as I do. I can’t pretend to be happy anymore. I just want a break of all this. Like, be dead for a while. No life. Life is torture. A little break. Just for a while.

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