Every day is a fight

1 scoop of light, 2 scoops of darkness

Been a while since the last update. It feels like an eternity. I usually get on a better mood when I write about what’s wrong. I’d really love to talk to someone about this but I can’t. Already put as much as I could into my other blogs but really, who has ever encountered a person in Tumblr who cared? Ha. Ha.

This is my dead end.

My sister was here last Saturday chatting about her fucking problems and now they are my problems too. Well, my stupidity to agree to talk about it. I have been battling serious anxiety – like ALL THE TIME – for weeks. Ever since the happiness of getting rid of Ketipinor faded. I will most likely have to start it again. I don’t want to but I hate to feel like this all the time. Nothing helps. Anyway. My sis told she has this kind of black hole inside of her too. She has encountered it after running away from it for years and years. She still tries to run and avoid facing the darkness and the emptiness. She is now going throw the phase I had years ago: understanding why our memories are faulty and why there seems to be so much darkness in the past and why in our memories are no colors, only grey and dark. She still denies the facts and thinks our parents have changed. I don’t know how to explain to her how they still treat me every time I have to see them. I myself try to dodge the shitstorms. Because I know that if I’m forced to face them and stand up for myself it will not end well. Every time I have to spend time around my parents I carry a knife. Usually just the Recon Micro, if I visit them, but I had the Walther Pro in my pocket all the time when my dad came over a few weeks back to help me hang blinds and take apart a sidetable. I sleep with it in my hand. Every night. Just in case I’m attacked again.

Everything A said last weekend brought this flood of shit over me the next few days and now I feel 100 times worse. I’m fighting panic attack 24/7. None of the pills I have actually help. I’m seriously considering of going out and trying to find illegal drugs. Just to get a little relief somehow. I literally can’t think about anything else right now. Every night the same. I try to fight and bear the anxiety and get by without the pills because I hate to be sleepy all the time. Picked up some energy drinks again but can’t seem to drink many at once. My body goes apeshit. Heats up like crazy and then come the shakes and all the other bullshit. A told me she has the same kind of feels, except she only drinks tea… But neither of us can stay still when we’re awake. I’m always moving my hands or feet or fingers, whatever I do, and she said it’s the same with her. She also seems a little OCD. Checking stuff, filling all her time with activity (whereas I can sit around doing nothing for hours, basically just imagining stuff) until she burns out. She’s always out with friends. I live in an imaginary world. Or many of those.

I cut off all my hair two days ago. Down to 1,8mm. Kinda accidentally…. While I was cutting it turned out that my hair was too long to properly cut it down to 30 mm like I wanted to, so I decided to just cut it off – all of it! With the lowest setting. Feels a bit outlandish and takes some time to get used to this kind of look but since I did it I feel a little less disgusted by my body. Already getting used to touching the stubble too. Now my head freezes and I have to wear a scarf (and to protect from sun and I wear a hoodie anyway no matter how hot it gets outside, and/or avoid going out in the first place) and my face looks weird and puffy, but oh this nice airy feeling and no more shedding! That was the one scoop of light. And energy drink. It makes me feel good.

And yeah, writing about this is actually making me feel a little better just now. Maru has kept me awake a lot. He’s bored. And he wants to sleep in my bed. On some nights/days we sleep together. One night he even came under the blanket and cuddled against my belly a bit. :3

*Sigh* I feel more awake now again. I can focus. It ‘almost’ feels as if the sleeping pill I ate 4,5 hours ago would kick in. The good rush of 7,5 mg is almost gone. It does help to the withdrawal but doesn’t really give a rush anymore. I’ve upped it to 15 mg a couple of times but I just got real sleepy and slept for almost 18 hours. That sucks. It used to make me feel awake and focused and light and happy for a few hours. Well. The fun is over I guess. I’ve been using that stuff for about 4 years straight. The same dose every night. Not sure anymore how long. I keep forgetting stuff. That stuff makes me forget. I’ve used zopiclone with oxazepam for a longer term as a double sleeping pill. This year the small dose of ketipinor was added to the mix. But this clearly isn’t working. On most days, for a longer period of time already, I just wait for the evening and the few hours of happiness. Since I’m not getting the effect anymore I feel cheated, anxious and addicted. I still have to eat it every night to avoid withdrawal and things just don’t look good in general.

The other big issue is food. The lack of, and too much of it. See, I also get withdrawal effects from ice cream. It might sound crazy but I’ve been hooked to that shit for 5 years and on some days I eat nothing but ice cream. I’m not really into other sweets. There’s something in the ice cream that makes it keep it’s form and the cheap variants are loaded with weird chems. In Germany I often ate italian ice cream from local cafes that was self made and it never caused shit like this. Right now I can go close to 48 hours after eating some, before the withdrawal kicks in. And THAT sucks. I thought I could never drop caffeine, but when I HAD TO, it was easy. It was nothing compared to this crap I have to go through every day. I’ve had a horrible itch for weeks now. Caused by the chemistry in food and most of that comes from the ice cream. Like, 95%. I’ve scratched myself bloody, including my face and scalp, and I feel the itch every second. Maru has kneaded my throat which looks kinda shitty, admitted. When I go out it’s usually before I have had a bite to eat, I’m pale, can barely walk, I’m shaking and have a horrible itch. I fit perfectly into the flock of local drunks and junkies. People treat me like I’m one of them. In a way I accept it as my fate, one part of me wants to stab them for staring and one part just wants to give the fuck up. Why the hell am I still fighting?

I’d like to go and find a steel brush, a big one, attach it to a tree and scratch the first 5 layers of my skin off to get rid of this itch. Yeah, it’s that bad.

Let’s talk about something less depressing. Or more. I leave it for you to decide. I recently quit my therapy officially and am being transferred to a follow up group in September. In the meeting I barely listened to the new nurse I’ll be seeing. God, my therapist made me talk about 2011 and “the time when I tried to act so dark and dangerous”. Including being interrogated. You know, that’s not the best thing to talk about in the first meeting with a person I’ve never seen before, I don’t know, I don’t trust, and it made me think about the new group as a real bad idea. Since a couple years now I’ve been going more and more into a defensive mode with the health care system. I wanted to quit the therapy for reasons (good reasons), I have gradually lost trust in my previous therapist and tried to get along on my own. Right now I only trust myself and the knife by my side. I don’t want to talk to that stupid nurse. I get angry a lot and I have it increasingly hard to control my temper and those people are one reason for this. Every time I go out I’m pretty much paranoid and the flight or fight -reflex kicks in very easily. And it’s not flight for me. It’s always fight. In winter when it was dark I sometimes walked home from the corner shop (both of those 2 minutes it takes to get back to my door) with the Recon Micro in my hand, inside my sleeve. Ready to attack. I didn’t think anything. I was just ready to attack.

So, like, I will propably have to start taking ketipinor again which sucks. I’m way too paranoid, angry and perceptive. I don’t use energy to anything. Just sit at home in front of tv or at computer. Haven’t played in a while. But I cleaned up at home and have maintained a certain level of cleanliness. It’s far from hygienic and you better just keep your shoes on and not use the microwave. ;D

Well there was actually kinda good news too… My interest in porn has sparked again and I’m going through many many pics every day. I don’t find much to save but occasionally I do. There has been a clear change in my way of seeing some things. Before I tried to hold me back more. All my life I have thought I can’t do this or that or be attracted to this or that – for some petty reason. Those early learned restrictions still affect me but whenever I notice them I just tell myself to let go of them. Like, sometime last year I learned to accept that I’m attracted to women too – to some extent. That must’ve been one of the hardest issues. I told not a single soul about my feeling of being in the wrong body until I was 18. Of course, as a “girl” I could not be attracted to women. Hell, I grew up in a small town where everyone knew each other. I was already targeted because of my parents. Even since I knew that I was a man inside – and a gay man to that – I tried to silence the little voice telling me women are okay too. Like, if I was gay, of course I could not like women. Argh.

On my free time – the time when I was alone and nobody could see me – ever since I was 13 I have acted as male. And because of my situation and the fact that I had no friends and only mingled with adults, I completely skipped the boy-part and went straight up to a grown up male. In interests and behaviour. Way of thinking. I was never allowed to be a normal teenage girl either and I’ve never been able to regain the lost period of actually growing up naturally. In one story I could kind of live the life as a teenage boy but that was just a story and I kept pushing my “childish” parts away. I found liking in violence early. It just felt good.

Now I feel that I’ve become more whole. Life’s always throwing giant boulders on my path but I’ve grown to accept myself. And I’ve accepted the dark part inside. It’s been there so long. I don’t know who I’d be without it. I think that’s something my sister with battle for a long time to come. She will have a real problem accepting the darkness. It was planted into our minds through the actions of adults playing God, it can’t be removed, and running away doesn’t do shit. I’m still me with the darkness. I’m still me even if I sometimes look at boobs. I’d even date a woman. Hell, that took some guts to admit. My preference is still a man. And I’m still a man despite liking art, fashion, cooking and cute girly stuff. I don’t need to prove anything to myself. And I don’t need to attend pride events to prove anything to anyone else. Those are not my beef. I find them kinda stupid to be honest. People are free to celebrate and show off, just leave it outside when you enter my cavern.

I’ve liked a lot interacting with men on Tumblr. Despite not giving away anything personal, my birth gender or stuff, the followers of my blog automatically assume I’m a man by my style of posting and the type of porn I like. That’s the best thing. Also makes me scared because some of them would like to get acquainted or chat in grindr or elsewhere and I can’t show my face without a mask. And it makes me real sad too. My problem here is very simple. It’s this thricedamned, shitty body I was born into.

Like, when some ask about my gender and if I’m trans, I’m baffled. What is that transgender identity they keep talking about? It’s not a man. It’s not a woman. It’s something in between or what? Hell, I’m not in between. I’m just in the fucking wrong body! I have a clear identity and that is male. There’s no in-between. I might be able to call myself a trans person AFTER I get the clear to start transition, but until then I’m just miserable, not moving forward. This pretty much makes it clear where my core problem lies… Hmm, writing it all up somehow again cleared things. Yay. So, I should propably go to some group therapy because my support network consists of just my 4-legged infant son. My sister has been nice but I don’t think she has the strength to support me in this. She doesn’t understand. I will never get forward alone. And unless I move forward and receive some kind of help and eventually move into transition my life’s over. I can’t stand this shit another year. My school is nice and I have no worries about not being able to do this while studying and I don’t know why I stopped moving forward in the first place? I just gave up to the depression and ice cream. x__x

Well, looks like I know what I should do next. Just don’t forget it again dumbass!

I don’t wanna die. I want my dreams to come true. At least this one and the one to own a Sig Sauer P320. :3 I don’t set my goals high anymore. It’s morning now, 4am. I’ve calmed down and the allergy pill helped a little. Only a few places itch and that’s propably cat hair. Now, let’s have a few pics to cheer up. :3


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