SD
Every day is a fight

Archive for the ‘death’ Category

Empty deserts of tearless nights

March 13, 2017

Awake with the painful memories or trapped into endless nightmares. I can’t fall asleep cause all I can think of is her, lying in the hospital bed, dying. At some point I fall into a chem induced sleep that is no sleep, it’s walking from one terrible scene to another, not finding a way out […]

Today I stare back at you, darkness

February 5, 2017

Just never surrender, that’s it. In November, my closest friend was diagnosed with final stage cancer and she passed away at Christmas Night. Life hasn’t been very lively after that. I’m plagued by serious depression and the suicidal thoughts have returned. I dream about her last days a lot. So it has come to a […]

If I could walk away.

December 29, 2015

Away from here, away from this life. Leave behind everything that’s making me sick. But that is death. There’s no escape except death. I keep waiting forever for the day I can be free, pushing it always further in my mind, chaining myself to the ground and other people’s expectations. Why not now? I’ve been […]

Hollow

November 15, 2014

I know I haven’t been here in ages. I still got nothing to say. My life sucks and problems just keep increasing and getting worse all the time. No matter what I do. After 5 weeks every night nightmares I had almost one and half weeks break (around my birthday), but now I’m back to […]

A day in school

September 9, 2013

Cat alarm went off at 4AM like it does every morning, even weekends. I thought about staying awake right away, but then went back to sleep and moved my own alarm to 5AM, finally getting awake ten past. Crazy horrible stress dreams, one in which I was in that English TV-show where two young women […]

Goodbye summer rose

May 22, 2013

My grandma Hilkka died this morning. Mum called me an hour ago. She told me already yesterday that her time was drawing near. We knew to wait this. When I was a kid I once wrote her a poem about a summer rose. I feel she was like one. Bright and sunny. The Alzheimer changed […]

All this pain

December 8, 2012

I wanna come back to blogging. I have so much inside me that I feel I’m gonna burst. Things I can’t share even with those friends I have learned to trust. Maybe I can blog about it? I will try. I will make this blog open again because I don’t wanna hide. I’m not always […]

Death will rain down from the skies

August 25, 2012

  red skies above me black skies above me   walls not closing in they break in pieces everything will break in pieces there’s no future for the ones living in dark jump down jump down   but there’s no bridge here, no well, no hole in the ground just the hole inside me mind […]

i want to disappear

May 17, 2012

pain and fear in my heart. i have no soul left. dreams are no escape. sleep doesn’t bring peace. a person important to me deleted his Facebook account. i’ve got no email, nothing to find him again. he was the other reason to stay there. now only one is left, and i’m not sure if […]

I’m so sorry

April 1, 2012

Talked a bit with A, it made me happy he was on, but it made me sad too that he’s not feeling well. It’s better for him to rest now and recharge, and hopefully his pains get better during sleep. But the little talk just left me even more lonely than I was before. I […]